My Brain Is A Hamster Wheel

I'm not sure everyone was receptive of my blog yesterday but I'm fine with that. Everything doesn't have to set well with me 100% of the time and I was just being honest. I'm trying to give insight to my bipolar and yesterday's blog was no different. So with that said...

My biggest problem or complaint or however it's to be labeled is getting my brain to shut off. It whirls round and round. Some days are better than others but some days are worse than others. I get fixated on something and it's all over but the crying. I will analyze and try to decipher and figure out every aspect of it. Picture a white board with lines connecting all over the place and notes and sentences everywhere and possible outcomes all jumbled up everywhere. That's a glimpse. Maybe the tip of the iceberg because I also have an eraser and can start over on some of it, part of it, all of it.

So that's what I've been dealing with since last Friday. I couldn't let it go. I couldn't figure it out. I couldn't stop thinking about it. No solution stresses me out, then irritates then angers me. I couldn't come to a solution because I didn't think anything was wrong with who I am. That must not be the case so I couldn't figure out what could be the cause of what I'm suppose to change.

So here I still sit writing this blog with no solution to the claimed problem. There HAS to be a reason. There HAS to be an answer. I HAVE to have an outcome to my analysis. I don't. Unacceptable but I'm suppose to accept it. That's unacceptable to me.

My medication has been working. I say has been because I'm doing things that I was before medication. I felt leveled out. Not so much anymore so time to get ahold of Derek and see what I need to do. How can he help me. What's the next step. Where do I go from here.

I refuse to give up. I'm too stubborn for that. I've come too far for that. I just need this hamster wheel of a brain to not do so many revolutions. I'm not asking for everything to miraculously disappear. Just at a more manageable level. I'll accept that outcome. I can find a solution to that problem and that gives me comfort.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Please Don't Come Closer Or I'll Ask You To Leave

So I go to therapy every Friday. I look forward to therapy. This Friday opened a whole can of worms I wasn't prepared for so my therapy right now is writing about it to try and get it out of my head.

I have to admit it made me angry when I was confronted with what I can only assume was insinuated as a flaw within myself. She said our time together has been leading up to this and everything inside me wants to call bullshit but here I am writing about it.

She said that I only allow people into my life so far and if they try to get all the way in then I find a reason to remove myself from the situation or relationship. I only allow people to see the Ryan I allow them to see. Self-sabotage were her exact words and she wants to get to the root of the problem. Slowly. And on my terms. I hope she plans on working there forever.

Control she says is my motivator ( I've never heard that before in my life...maybe) and because I can't control other aspects of my life then I refuse to give up what I can control. Maybe so. I like to look at it as I refuse to give anyone anything they can use against me.

So to continue with my last statement. Why would I give anyone emotional insight of me personally? Let me tell you my fears and insecurities so that you can throw them in my face at a later time. Sounds phenomenal. Sign me up please. I will not show weakness. Weakness leads to manipulation and just snowballs from there.

This has put my brain into overdrive since Friday morning. I've been thinking about it obsessively. Every way I look at it leads to me staying the way I am. I would rather keep the few really close friends I have than make more. I trust them completely but it's taken years. I would rather stay single than try to explain to someone again my quirks and they act like they understand what they're in for but split when they realize they didn't have the slightest idea. I won't be put under a microscope or analyzed. I'm good handling myself with bipolar because I'm the one with bipolar. I don't want conversations about emotional things or explain why I don't want to.

This sounds like a rant and probably because it is. If I'm fine with me I don't care if someone else isn't. You don't like me then great move on and I'll talk to you later. She doesn't like that I'm able to do that either by the way. It is who I am. I guess I don't have time for BS. I don't need more friends or a girlfriend to feel like I've become accomplished with my life. I love Joey to death. She's an amazing person but I feel like I've made it thru almost 42 years and I'm still here so I guess what I'm trying to say is...please don't come closer or I'll ask you to leave.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Sometimes I Really Enjoy My Own Company

I say that not to be full of myself but to be honest. And it's not a bad thing if you ask me, at least in my case, because I have struggled with that very thing for years. Enjoying my own company.

I should clarify and say I struggled to be alone for the right reasons. Anxiety would and still can prevent me from going to a get together or function. Something that sounded fun when I said I would go but then when the time came I couldn't make myself do it. I don't know how many times I would get dressed, walk out the door only to go back inside and feel the safety of locking the door behind me knowing I didn't have to face what was on the other side.

Stress is a huge trigger for me. It starts to make me feel panicky, then anxious, then anger because I can't control the situation which leads to me dumping gasoline and lighting a match to burn the world down around me. If I lock myself in then I don't have to worry about being mean to those around me and I can avoid whatever situation stresses me out. Kinda like the above paragraph but in a bigger level. Avoiding everything that stresses me can be a problem. That locked door becomes a security blanket. It becomes a medication that makes the outside world disappear. That's not healthy.

I journal religiously. Some may say fanatically. I say it's a good thing. Most of the time. It's a really good outlet for me, ways to get the things clogging up my brain out on paper and deal with. The bad part is sometimes that leads to me 'disappearing' altogether and before I know it I haven't had contact with anyone for three days.

So you're wondering why I say I like my own company and that's not a bad thing? Understandable. I say that because I have started going to those things that riddle me with anxiety. I battle that locked door and when I find myself locking it from the outside instead of the inside, that's a battle won. I've started trying to deal with my stress in a healthy manner before it becomes an all consuming rage and a lot of that is talking about it to the right people that give loving and honest feedback with honest solutions. I still journal but I don't allow myself to get lost for hours or days with my thoughts.

I can say I enjoy my own company because that's what I'm doing- enjoying it. I watch movies, read constantly, game on the Xbox One (yes I still love to game), work on my poetry and I write short stories. And speaking of short stories, one that I wrote will be made into a 30 minute short film for a film festival happening later in the year. Yup. You read that right. I refuse to divulge anything else except that John and April will be amazing to work with on this and I'm beyond excited.

So yes, I still have my quirks and triggers and God knows I still have bipolar but it doesn't always have to win. I'm on amazing medication, Joey is an amazing therapist and I have the best family and friends a guy could ask for. So I'm going to enjoy my own company over a cup of coffee before I go face the day. I hope yours is amazing.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

I Need You So Go Away

I wrote this about my friendships, past relationships. The ending of both of those words has always encouraged me to set sail from both.

The past
Becomes present
Lash out
Disappear
Push away
I don't need
Anyone
Myself
Is more
Than enough
To deal
With
Today

Memories
They push
Themselves
To the
Front of
The line
Determined
To be
Acknowledged
To
Never
Be
Forgotten

Add
Guilt
Because
He will
Be heard
Feel loss
Because
It needs
Company
But I
Don't
Leave me
Alone

Push away
And if
You hold
Tight
I'll push
Harder
Misery
Loves
Company
And myself
Is up
To the
Task

I need
You
But
Resent myself
Because of
That fact
Do it
By myself
I will
Not
Show you
My
Weakness

So
I
Let you
Go
Move
On
Self
Preservation
Dictates
The
Future
For myself
Alone

So
Walk away
And
Life will
Continue
To go on
Alone
I can't
Hurt
Anyone
If
I choose
Solitude

Deal
With the
Demons
Slowly
Cast them
Out
The claws
Are deep
Can't
Change
It
Overnight

So walk
Away
Knowing
I'm fine
This is
The world
I
Created
And I
Will spin
Around
With the
Consequences