Please Don't Come Closer Or I'll Ask You To Leave

So I go to therapy every Friday. I look forward to therapy. This Friday opened a whole can of worms I wasn't prepared for so my therapy right now is writing about it to try and get it out of my head.

I have to admit it made me angry when I was confronted with what I can only assume was insinuated as a flaw within myself. She said our time together has been leading up to this and everything inside me wants to call bullshit but here I am writing about it.

She said that I only allow people into my life so far and if they try to get all the way in then I find a reason to remove myself from the situation or relationship. I only allow people to see the Ryan I allow them to see. Self-sabotage were her exact words and she wants to get to the root of the problem. Slowly. And on my terms. I hope she plans on working there forever.

Control she says is my motivator ( I've never heard that before in my life...maybe) and because I can't control other aspects of my life then I refuse to give up what I can control. Maybe so. I like to look at it as I refuse to give anyone anything they can use against me.

So to continue with my last statement. Why would I give anyone emotional insight of me personally? Let me tell you my fears and insecurities so that you can throw them in my face at a later time. Sounds phenomenal. Sign me up please. I will not show weakness. Weakness leads to manipulation and just snowballs from there.

This has put my brain into overdrive since Friday morning. I've been thinking about it obsessively. Every way I look at it leads to me staying the way I am. I would rather keep the few really close friends I have than make more. I trust them completely but it's taken years. I would rather stay single than try to explain to someone again my quirks and they act like they understand what they're in for but split when they realize they didn't have the slightest idea. I won't be put under a microscope or analyzed. I'm good handling myself with bipolar because I'm the one with bipolar. I don't want conversations about emotional things or explain why I don't want to.

This sounds like a rant and probably because it is. If I'm fine with me I don't care if someone else isn't. You don't like me then great move on and I'll talk to you later. She doesn't like that I'm able to do that either by the way. It is who I am. I guess I don't have time for BS. I don't need more friends or a girlfriend to feel like I've become accomplished with my life. I love Joey to death. She's an amazing person but I feel like I've made it thru almost 42 years and I'm still here so I guess what I'm trying to say is...please don't come closer or I'll ask you to leave.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully