My Brain Is A Hamster Wheel

I'm not sure everyone was receptive of my blog yesterday but I'm fine with that. Everything doesn't have to set well with me 100% of the time and I was just being honest. I'm trying to give insight to my bipolar and yesterday's blog was no different. So with that said...

My biggest problem or complaint or however it's to be labeled is getting my brain to shut off. It whirls round and round. Some days are better than others but some days are worse than others. I get fixated on something and it's all over but the crying. I will analyze and try to decipher and figure out every aspect of it. Picture a white board with lines connecting all over the place and notes and sentences everywhere and possible outcomes all jumbled up everywhere. That's a glimpse. Maybe the tip of the iceberg because I also have an eraser and can start over on some of it, part of it, all of it.

So that's what I've been dealing with since last Friday. I couldn't let it go. I couldn't figure it out. I couldn't stop thinking about it. No solution stresses me out, then irritates then angers me. I couldn't come to a solution because I didn't think anything was wrong with who I am. That must not be the case so I couldn't figure out what could be the cause of what I'm suppose to change.

So here I still sit writing this blog with no solution to the claimed problem. There HAS to be a reason. There HAS to be an answer. I HAVE to have an outcome to my analysis. I don't. Unacceptable but I'm suppose to accept it. That's unacceptable to me.

My medication has been working. I say has been because I'm doing things that I was before medication. I felt leveled out. Not so much anymore so time to get ahold of Derek and see what I need to do. How can he help me. What's the next step. Where do I go from here.

I refuse to give up. I'm too stubborn for that. I've come too far for that. I just need this hamster wheel of a brain to not do so many revolutions. I'm not asking for everything to miraculously disappear. Just at a more manageable level. I'll accept that outcome. I can find a solution to that problem and that gives me comfort.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully