I say that not to be full of myself but to be honest. And it's not a bad thing if you ask me, at least in my case, because I have struggled with that very thing for years. Enjoying my own company.
I should clarify and say I struggled to be alone for the right reasons. Anxiety would and still can prevent me from going to a get together or function. Something that sounded fun when I said I would go but then when the time came I couldn't make myself do it. I don't know how many times I would get dressed, walk out the door only to go back inside and feel the safety of locking the door behind me knowing I didn't have to face what was on the other side.
Stress is a huge trigger for me. It starts to make me feel panicky, then anxious, then anger because I can't control the situation which leads to me dumping gasoline and lighting a match to burn the world down around me. If I lock myself in then I don't have to worry about being mean to those around me and I can avoid whatever situation stresses me out. Kinda like the above paragraph but in a bigger level. Avoiding everything that stresses me can be a problem. That locked door becomes a security blanket. It becomes a medication that makes the outside world disappear. That's not healthy.
I journal religiously. Some may say fanatically. I say it's a good thing. Most of the time. It's a really good outlet for me, ways to get the things clogging up my brain out on paper and deal with. The bad part is sometimes that leads to me 'disappearing' altogether and before I know it I haven't had contact with anyone for three days.
So you're wondering why I say I like my own company and that's not a bad thing? Understandable. I say that because I have started going to those things that riddle me with anxiety. I battle that locked door and when I find myself locking it from the outside instead of the inside, that's a battle won. I've started trying to deal with my stress in a healthy manner before it becomes an all consuming rage and a lot of that is talking about it to the right people that give loving and honest feedback with honest solutions. I still journal but I don't allow myself to get lost for hours or days with my thoughts.
I can say I enjoy my own company because that's what I'm doing- enjoying it. I watch movies, read constantly, game on the Xbox One (yes I still love to game), work on my poetry and I write short stories. And speaking of short stories, one that I wrote will be made into a 30 minute short film for a film festival happening later in the year. Yup. You read that right. I refuse to divulge anything else except that John and April will be amazing to work with on this and I'm beyond excited.
So yes, I still have my quirks and triggers and God knows I still have bipolar but it doesn't always have to win. I'm on amazing medication, Joey is an amazing therapist and I have the best family and friends a guy could ask for. So I'm going to enjoy my own company over a cup of coffee before I go face the day. I hope yours is amazing.
I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully
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