It Only Took 42 Years

Damn it's been awhile but I've been itching to write so here I am again. There's been quite a bit that's gone on in the past few months so let's get started.

My job transferred me to Salina for the next year and a half or so and I've been here since July 1. Maybe not a big deal to some but this is the first time I've lived outside Emporia where I grew up since I was 2. Freaks me the hell out sometimes I must admit but I have enjoyed the different variety of restaurants and things to do here. I actually really like Salina. So much that I've got an apartment now here as well as Emporia. Not bad for a guy that was fine never leaving Emporia. My mom and Stacy helped me move in so that helped tremendously.

Did I mention Stacy? Oh my I guess I did. That would happen to be my girlfriend. At 42 if feels weird using the word girlfriend as if I'm talking to my buddies in the locker banks in high school pointing out the chick I'm dating. Yeah bro that's my girlfriend. So are you going to the dance Friday night? Yeah me either. So anyway, yeah, that's what she is-my girlfriend.

I was explaining to my mom how I felt about her and here's the best way I could describe it: she's my magnet. I said do you know how it is when you've lost a puzzle piece and your searching for it and then when you find it everything feels complete? Stacy was my lost puzzle piece and now my life is complete. It's a great feeling.

She's an amazing person. Patient, kind, selfless. I could go on and on but you get the point. She is everything I've wanted but thought I would never have. Didn't deserve. She's convinced me otherwise. She helps me more than I could ever reciprocate I'm sure but I'm forever grateful.

I have a med appointment today. I'm frustrated and hopefully that gets fixed by talking with Derek. Lithium is still doing me good but my sleep or lack of it is back. Other things are back. I've handled some last minute changes the past week better than I ever have in my life but it's the other stuff that's hard to deal with. Paranoia. Voices. Obsessing. Drives me crazy and I hate being like this and it starts bringing me down. Derek will help me.

I try to stay positive and I have a lot of positives in my life. I got to see all three of my wonderful kiddos Friday and I saw Justin Furstenfeld do his Open Book tour. In time I hope to meet Stacy's kids in person. They seem like great kids and I know they make Stacy proud so it'll be my pleasure to meet them.

So it only took 42 years but I have a job I absolutely love, my magnet I absolutely love, my family whose love has no bottom to it including my amazing children who all happen to be adults now and Derek. Life is good on all levels and I'm not sure I've had the pleasure of saying that about myself. It's about time.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Irregularities, Irritability and Irrational Behavior Equals Progress

Yeah I know, the title doesn't make sense on how all of that equals progress but in my world of bipolar it makes perfect sense so I'm going to break it down one time (couldn't resist) and explain.

How's everybody been? It's almost there months to the day since my last blog but like I've said before, I don't write for the sake of pumping something out just so I can have a post or get likes on social media. I take this blog very serious so I write when I have something serious to talk about and I use this as a form of therapy for myself. If I write just for the sake of writing then I'm not doing myself any favors. I'll try to be more consistent but once again I promise nothing.

So irregularities. Oh boy has that been an issue which also ties into the irritability but we'll get there. Anyone that really knows me, I am a schedule/time oriented person. If something starts at 9 and I don't get there by 8:45 then I'm late. I won't go watch a movie if the previews have already started. I have routines. I don't like my routines messed with. I have certain days I do certain things and I can't relax if they don't go the way they're suppose to. I sit and stew on the fact that I'm not doing what I'm suppose to be doing instead of what I'm actually doing.

So in walks irritability. I get irritable. Very irritable. Too much sensory or extracurricular activities start going on then it stresses me and stress turns to anger. Change is not a good thing with me no what the saying says about it being otherwise. I do this and then I do this and then I do this. I don't have time for the thats. I start shutting down and then I disappear. I hide from the outside world while trying to get my shit together. I'm perfectly fine not leaving my house for the entire weekend.

Irrational behavior doesn't always mean I'm flipping the f out. It may mean I decided to drink a beer after not having one for a month. I may not respond to texts or phone calls. I may go to Walmart so I can buy some thing I've decided I needed on a whim or order something on Amazon because it makes me feel better. It may mean I flip the f out.

So I've covered all the bases and I'm sure your confused on how this equals progress. Well let me clarify. I use to look at all of these as a negative thing. I would chastise myself for alerting myself to behave in these ways. Then I started looking at it in a positive light. You know why I react in these ways? Because I have allowed myself to get out of my comfort zone. I have had my routine or schedule get changed but I still went along with it. Yeah it made me irritable or maybe irrational but only because I didn't completely shut down and refuse to go along with it. I'm starting to have more irregularities in my life because I'm allowing there to be irregularities in my life.

I'm losing my therapist for three months because she's having a baby. She told me she feels perfectly fine with that face because she knows I'm in a good place and I can do it. She couldn't have said that 6 months ago. I worked over three hours away for the last week in a town I know nothing about and I did it. I went to a beard competition and competed in front of people last month. Even met and talked to a great group of people that I had never met before in my life. Many more examples of changes I have made but my point is I'm making changes. I'm not letting my bipolar constantly dictate if I'm going to have fun or not. I don't let it constantly dictate that I'm not going to leave my place for an entire weekend. I'm no longer letting it constantly dictate me.

So I may have some irregularities and get irritable and have some some Irrational behaviours from time to time but that just tells me it's equaling progress.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Being Stubborn Isn't Helping

So I went to Wichita yesterday and saw Derek. I've been having problems with paranoia and auditory. Anger. I was actually responsible when these things started getting out of control again and got ahold of him.

The past month has been a roller coaster ride for me. When these things amp up my number one go to is alcohol. I still convince myself that it's better than what any meds can do at the time because I can get that numbing, brain-slowing affect pretty quick. So I get to that desired level but then alcoholic Ryan steps in says he'll take it from here and then I'm flat wasted. It's no longer therapeutic. Quite the opposite.

So I talked with Derek yesterday and had told him previously under zero circumstances ever will I take lithium again. Screw the lab work and the tweaking of levels until I'm stable. Blah blah blah never say never, right? You think I'd now that by now. So I'm back on lithium after years and years of not being on it. It's the best medication that ever worked for me.

And there is the insanity of a sane situation. I just said it's the best medication that has ever worked for me yet I refused to go back on it. Because I don't like spending 5 minutes getting my lab work done. And to be real honest, I know that under no circumstances can I drink while taking it. Oh it says you can have a couple drinks or in moderation as long as you maintain hydration. What in the hell is moderation? This is why I say that I can't drink while taking it. I don't know moderation and I won't stop after a couple. It's easy to go toxic with lithium mixed with alcohol.

So I'm excited to be on something that I know without a doubt works for me but nervous and maybe even a little irritated that the alcohol stopped once I took my first dose last night. It's hard to completely give up something that has been a somewhat constant in your life. It's scary. I struggle with my alcoholism. Daily. Hourly. Minute by minute.

So I'm asking for help. I'm asking for your prayers, encouragement, thoughts, accountability. I'm going to tell all the girls at the pub I love going to that under no circumstances am I to be served. That's embarrassing to have to do that but if I leave myself an out I'll take it. They are all amazing people and I know they'll help me however they can. I know you're thinking well he'll just go somewhere else. I don't feel comfortable other places. If I don't go there, then I drank at home. That's the biggest struggle I'm going to face. I can tell myself all kinds of things from I'm a grown man and can drink if I want to, that bonfires burn brighter with a beer in your hand, that people think I'm-that I think I'm more social and fun to be around. That alcohol actually improves my state of mind and bipolar. That it fixes my problems.

So I've got to unconvince myself of these things and realize they couldn't be farther from the truth. I need to remind myself of the nights in jail, thousands spent on fines, relationships lost, pain and anguish I've put friends and family thru. And that it's not going to make my bipolar go away. It's not medication. It's counterproductive. But I'm scared. I'm scared of failing.

So I say being stubborn isn't helping but that may not be the truth. Because my stubbornness at doing something that seems impossible may just be the motivation that keeps this ball rolling. Telling myself I can't make it today will make me stubborn enough to do it for a week. Then a month. Then a year.

So please help me out. I've got two doses of lithium under my belt and that's two more than I had this time yesterday. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I keep saying I want to get better so my actions need to reflect that as well. Woke up sober this morning so I'm off to a good start.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

The Window

I opened my
Eyes
Found my
Surroundings
Sleep leaving
And you're gone
Still
After all
Of these
Years
You're
Still
Gone

Determined
To make
Everyone suffer
Because of my
Personal hell
I lost
Sight
That
I had
Heaven
By
My
Side

Years haven't
Brought
Forgiveness
And
Closure
Only constant
Regret
An all
Expense paid
Trip
Down
Memory
Lane

I can't let
Go
I hold
Tight to
My
Feelings
Of love
I
Lost
Years
Ago
Never to be
Had again

Past repeats
Itself
Only if
You put
Yourself
In a
Position
To allow
It
Never again
I can't
I won't
Never the same

Nobody compares
Not fair
To them
Anguish
For me
Better to
Be
Alone
Than
To deal
With
Unmet
Expectations

I don't
Have
What it
Takes
I won't
Give
Therefore
I do not
Receive
How to settle
When I've
Already experienced
The best I could

Get over it
Let go
Move on
Easy words
For those
On the
Outside
Attempting
To look in
While their
View is
Smeared
With their advice

Time heals
All things
A lifetime
Must be
What
They
Meant
Moving forward
With my
Memories
Moving
Backwards

Continuing alone
Is easier
Than the
Chance
Of experiencing
Loss
Again
How many
Times
Can something
Break
Before it's
Broken
Forever

Solitude
Alone
Self-preservation
Closed
Lock the door
Throw away
The key
While
Opening
The
Blinds
To the
Past

So out
That
Window
I stare
The memories
Cast a
Shadow
On
My face
At
That window
There I
Stand

The Never-ending Night

When the sun goes down, the demons come to play. I haven't written in awhile because I've had a lot going on in reality and in my head. I try to process both realms before I put words on a page for everyone to read so that I can be nice, coherent and rational. I'm not sure I've ever been accused of being all three at the same time but one must have goals, right?

This week has been stressful, cold, miserable-a ton of negative words that describes how I've felt. I can't get my mind to shut the f up. I can't process some things and that's unacceptable. I've felt like a failure. I've relived my past and analyzed everywhere I went wrong that's led to where I am now. I'm experiencing my personal hell while others sleep the sleep of no remorse or conscience.

It's even seeped into my dreams. Makes me dread sleep. They're so real that it takes me awhile to snap out of it and then I don't want to go back to sleep for fear of what the next dream entails. I'd rather have one dream to obsess over than multiple. I took my Zyprexa last night like I'm supposed to when I can't shut it down and get stable sleep. I slept for 3 hours. I swore I could hear someone walking around in my house and after a thorough check, my rational side lecturing me the whole time, my unrational side came to the conclusion that they're probably hiding in the attic so I blocked the door leading to it because in the attic they'll now stay.

So now that I got that picture of insanity painted on the canvas of your brain we can continue. I've really come to enjoy my own company. If that sounds conceited it's supposed to because who else can give me all these conversations I have with myself and the walls? Who can stand up to a bar set so high? Why should I have idle conversations when I can intelligently tell myself where things went wrong with no possible way to change that moment in time so therefore the solution to the problem is deal with it. Oh I don't understand others actions? Well by all means obsess over it for hours until you come up with a solution of jack shit. Then I can go back to the actions and choices of the picture of perfection I call my past and live experiences over and over while playing the extremely fun game of what if I had done this instead of that and take the game on step further called analyzation and branch that out to possible outcomes that are impossible to achieve while my brain refuses to quit playing the game because like in Monopoly I must have all the pieces on the board before I can say I've won and the game is over. That has to be one of the longest sentences I've ever written in my life. Nothing like a rant sentence to win that achievement. Gold star is going on my fridge for the day and it's barely after 5am.

So to say the least, I'm struggling this week. Maybe longer but who's keeping track? My brain, come on people, work with me here. Luckily I have therapy this morning. Probably a good thing. Poor Joey has no idea what she's in for. Or maybe she does. She is blessed with my presence every Friday after all.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

My Brain Is A Hamster Wheel

I'm not sure everyone was receptive of my blog yesterday but I'm fine with that. Everything doesn't have to set well with me 100% of the time and I was just being honest. I'm trying to give insight to my bipolar and yesterday's blog was no different. So with that said...

My biggest problem or complaint or however it's to be labeled is getting my brain to shut off. It whirls round and round. Some days are better than others but some days are worse than others. I get fixated on something and it's all over but the crying. I will analyze and try to decipher and figure out every aspect of it. Picture a white board with lines connecting all over the place and notes and sentences everywhere and possible outcomes all jumbled up everywhere. That's a glimpse. Maybe the tip of the iceberg because I also have an eraser and can start over on some of it, part of it, all of it.

So that's what I've been dealing with since last Friday. I couldn't let it go. I couldn't figure it out. I couldn't stop thinking about it. No solution stresses me out, then irritates then angers me. I couldn't come to a solution because I didn't think anything was wrong with who I am. That must not be the case so I couldn't figure out what could be the cause of what I'm suppose to change.

So here I still sit writing this blog with no solution to the claimed problem. There HAS to be a reason. There HAS to be an answer. I HAVE to have an outcome to my analysis. I don't. Unacceptable but I'm suppose to accept it. That's unacceptable to me.

My medication has been working. I say has been because I'm doing things that I was before medication. I felt leveled out. Not so much anymore so time to get ahold of Derek and see what I need to do. How can he help me. What's the next step. Where do I go from here.

I refuse to give up. I'm too stubborn for that. I've come too far for that. I just need this hamster wheel of a brain to not do so many revolutions. I'm not asking for everything to miraculously disappear. Just at a more manageable level. I'll accept that outcome. I can find a solution to that problem and that gives me comfort.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Please Don't Come Closer Or I'll Ask You To Leave

So I go to therapy every Friday. I look forward to therapy. This Friday opened a whole can of worms I wasn't prepared for so my therapy right now is writing about it to try and get it out of my head.

I have to admit it made me angry when I was confronted with what I can only assume was insinuated as a flaw within myself. She said our time together has been leading up to this and everything inside me wants to call bullshit but here I am writing about it.

She said that I only allow people into my life so far and if they try to get all the way in then I find a reason to remove myself from the situation or relationship. I only allow people to see the Ryan I allow them to see. Self-sabotage were her exact words and she wants to get to the root of the problem. Slowly. And on my terms. I hope she plans on working there forever.

Control she says is my motivator ( I've never heard that before in my life...maybe) and because I can't control other aspects of my life then I refuse to give up what I can control. Maybe so. I like to look at it as I refuse to give anyone anything they can use against me.

So to continue with my last statement. Why would I give anyone emotional insight of me personally? Let me tell you my fears and insecurities so that you can throw them in my face at a later time. Sounds phenomenal. Sign me up please. I will not show weakness. Weakness leads to manipulation and just snowballs from there.

This has put my brain into overdrive since Friday morning. I've been thinking about it obsessively. Every way I look at it leads to me staying the way I am. I would rather keep the few really close friends I have than make more. I trust them completely but it's taken years. I would rather stay single than try to explain to someone again my quirks and they act like they understand what they're in for but split when they realize they didn't have the slightest idea. I won't be put under a microscope or analyzed. I'm good handling myself with bipolar because I'm the one with bipolar. I don't want conversations about emotional things or explain why I don't want to.

This sounds like a rant and probably because it is. If I'm fine with me I don't care if someone else isn't. You don't like me then great move on and I'll talk to you later. She doesn't like that I'm able to do that either by the way. It is who I am. I guess I don't have time for BS. I don't need more friends or a girlfriend to feel like I've become accomplished with my life. I love Joey to death. She's an amazing person but I feel like I've made it thru almost 42 years and I'm still here so I guess what I'm trying to say is...please don't come closer or I'll ask you to leave.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Sometimes I Really Enjoy My Own Company

I say that not to be full of myself but to be honest. And it's not a bad thing if you ask me, at least in my case, because I have struggled with that very thing for years. Enjoying my own company.

I should clarify and say I struggled to be alone for the right reasons. Anxiety would and still can prevent me from going to a get together or function. Something that sounded fun when I said I would go but then when the time came I couldn't make myself do it. I don't know how many times I would get dressed, walk out the door only to go back inside and feel the safety of locking the door behind me knowing I didn't have to face what was on the other side.

Stress is a huge trigger for me. It starts to make me feel panicky, then anxious, then anger because I can't control the situation which leads to me dumping gasoline and lighting a match to burn the world down around me. If I lock myself in then I don't have to worry about being mean to those around me and I can avoid whatever situation stresses me out. Kinda like the above paragraph but in a bigger level. Avoiding everything that stresses me can be a problem. That locked door becomes a security blanket. It becomes a medication that makes the outside world disappear. That's not healthy.

I journal religiously. Some may say fanatically. I say it's a good thing. Most of the time. It's a really good outlet for me, ways to get the things clogging up my brain out on paper and deal with. The bad part is sometimes that leads to me 'disappearing' altogether and before I know it I haven't had contact with anyone for three days.

So you're wondering why I say I like my own company and that's not a bad thing? Understandable. I say that because I have started going to those things that riddle me with anxiety. I battle that locked door and when I find myself locking it from the outside instead of the inside, that's a battle won. I've started trying to deal with my stress in a healthy manner before it becomes an all consuming rage and a lot of that is talking about it to the right people that give loving and honest feedback with honest solutions. I still journal but I don't allow myself to get lost for hours or days with my thoughts.

I can say I enjoy my own company because that's what I'm doing- enjoying it. I watch movies, read constantly, game on the Xbox One (yes I still love to game), work on my poetry and I write short stories. And speaking of short stories, one that I wrote will be made into a 30 minute short film for a film festival happening later in the year. Yup. You read that right. I refuse to divulge anything else except that John and April will be amazing to work with on this and I'm beyond excited.

So yes, I still have my quirks and triggers and God knows I still have bipolar but it doesn't always have to win. I'm on amazing medication, Joey is an amazing therapist and I have the best family and friends a guy could ask for. So I'm going to enjoy my own company over a cup of coffee before I go face the day. I hope yours is amazing.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

I Need You So Go Away

I wrote this about my friendships, past relationships. The ending of both of those words has always encouraged me to set sail from both.

The past
Becomes present
Lash out
Disappear
Push away
I don't need
Anyone
Myself
Is more
Than enough
To deal
With
Today

Memories
They push
Themselves
To the
Front of
The line
Determined
To be
Acknowledged
To
Never
Be
Forgotten

Add
Guilt
Because
He will
Be heard
Feel loss
Because
It needs
Company
But I
Don't
Leave me
Alone

Push away
And if
You hold
Tight
I'll push
Harder
Misery
Loves
Company
And myself
Is up
To the
Task

I need
You
But
Resent myself
Because of
That fact
Do it
By myself
I will
Not
Show you
My
Weakness

So
I
Let you
Go
Move
On
Self
Preservation
Dictates
The
Future
For myself
Alone

So
Walk away
And
Life will
Continue
To go on
Alone
I can't
Hurt
Anyone
If
I choose
Solitude

Deal
With the
Demons
Slowly
Cast them
Out
The claws
Are deep
Can't
Change
It
Overnight

So walk
Away
Knowing
I'm fine
This is
The world
I
Created
And I
Will spin
Around
With the
Consequences