I'm Obsessed With Obsessing About Obsessing

I went mushroom hunting yesterday and being out in the country gave me that feeling of wanting to disappear. To drive with the sun on my face and never come back. I get that feeling a lot.

I get overwhelmed and the thought of taking off sounds great to the point i actually contemplate it and work out all of the pros and cons in my head. To bolt where nobody knows where i am and nobody knows who i am. It gives me the feeling right or wrong that i can have a clean slate and start over. I can be a new person. Someone that nobody knows the wrongs I've done, the life I've lived-my past.

Reality always sets in though that i can't run away from myself. I think that's what I'm trying to do above anything else and that's when it all comes crashing down that disappearing still won't work. All that baggage will still follow me because i know about it. I remember the past, i remember the wrongs, i remember the failures. Just can't seem to get away from that no matter how hard i try.

I need to let go of all of that and man have i tried. I punish myself over things that happened years ago. I fault myself for entire situations and get stuck hashing out if I'd done this or if I'd done that then this would've happened and boy look at where I'd be now. But i have no way of knowing that. I have no way of changing the past. I'm frustrated.

I want to control so badly that things get out of control yet i keep on trying. I refuse to give up that i can do everything and that i will make things go the way i want. The problem with that is there's too many variables to the equation called life. It's an unsolveable problem and my brain can't handle that.

So the struggle continues on being able to take life as it comes. To quit obsessing. To quit over thinking every little detail. I'm not sure if I'll ever win this battle but I'd settle for a tie at this point.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings

I felt your presence
But i couldn't say hi
Too soon
Too new
Too raw
Too many things
But ready isn't one
Of them
I feel weak
But strong
An oxymoron
Why do i care?
I pride myself
In not feeling
Yet here i am
I feel like
I can't
But i know i can.
Right?
Wrong
I have to stop
But that means
I'm done
And i am
Until I'm not
Stop
Goodbye
Hello
Walk away
I can't turn back
So i walk
And i walk
Goodbye

Please Keep My Tab Open, I'm Going To Be Here Awhile

If you've ever been one to go to the bar and you pay with a card, they'll ask if you want to close it or keep it open. Of course the logical answer is to keep it open unless you're a one and done kind of person. Or i just had a huge problem with alcohol but we'll discuss that at another time.

I feel like my life has been like this. It's a double-edged sword at times but that's, well, life. The negative of that is when people can't or won't forgive things I've done. I'm not saying i blame them or fault them for it because i have done some terrible things in my life and maybe i don't deserve forgiveness but i don't like that feeling of the tab being left open. I don't like it being able to be added to. My nature wants it to be resolved and fixed but that's not fair to the person that hasn't been able to let go of it. There inlies the struggle.

The flip side is it still leaves room for healing and forgiveness. It leaves the tab open for my friends and family that make me feel like a person to keep helping me feel that way. It helps expand upon good things. Now that's an awesome open tab.

I think i need to learn to go ahead and close some of those tabs out. To just let go and focus on the ones that should remain open. The healthy and fulfilling one's. The productive ones. Easier said than done but it's a work in progress. So next time life asks if I'd like to keep this one open, i hope i have the courage and the knowledge to give the right answer.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings

Awake
Dreams linger
Even with eyes open
Thoughts racing
Don't want to think
Need sleep
But afraid to close my eyes
Because the movie begins again
Forced to push play
Even though i want
I need
It to stop
Reckless thoughts
Dangerous emotions
Confidence shattered
In the dark
Of night
Knowing the brightness
Of confidence
Is hours away
So I'll sleep
The restless
Anxieties
Of life
With hopes
The sun
Will bring
Calm

I Don't Deserve It But I'll Take It

I have so many memories climbing those stairs to my apartment while i work on my house. A lot bad but some good.

I remember getting this apartment for bad reasons. Reason. Plain and simple. I screwed up yet another relationship and now i was on my own. Didn't like it. That lead me to think of other things i didn't like about myself. Other relationships. 

Remember my best friend Elvis? Remember his wife Jill? Remember i was the best man at their wedding? Remeber i burned that bridge and friendship to the ground?

Guess who called me on Friday. Go ahead and guess. I heard Elvis on my phone for the first time in years call me brother. It shook me to my core. I couldn't talk. I wept. I seriously cried in front of people and didn't give a shit. Everything disappeared except for our conversation. I couldn't believe it.

I have ruined so many things in my life and some i care about and others i don't give a second thought but this is huge. This is something that got ruined and i legitimately knew i didn't like the outcome. I knew it was wrong when i was saying what i was saying but still said it. I knew it was beyond reconciling. Guess i don't know as much as i thought i did.

Once again I've been shown that the past is the past and i can't live there. I've been shown that everyone doesn't hold the past against me. Such a good feeling. Once again i don't deserve but I'll take it.

I constantly obsess over things and most, hell, 99% of them i can't change but that 1% makes it worth it. I use to think i knew what i wanted in life. I thought it was all planned out not too long ago. I've now learned, once again, that when i let go and let things happen the way they were suppose to instead of trying to control the outcome that amazing things happen. You know why? Because they were beyond my control. So i don't deserve this but I'll take it.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Is There An Off Switch For This Thing?

I really should be sleeping. I really want to be sleeping. I'm not sleeping. My brain won't shut down and i could really use an off switch about now.

This is the part of bipolar or obsessing or however you want to label it that might literally drive me crazy. It can start with the simplest thing like an idea i have for my house and then suddenly oh look a squirrel and I'm suddenly contemplating what it really meant that so and so said today and why was that person looking at me at church this morning? Do they know something about me? They don't know me so how could they? Ok damn it what do they know? Chill Ryan there's nothing to know so what's it matter? Damn it what do they know?

Once this train gets rolling it's really really hard to get it to stop. I will doze off but then I'll dream about it. Do you understand how exhausting that is? I will be thinking about it awake, fall asleep and dream about it and it just continues to roll when i open my eyes. Then i wonder if i was really asleep at all. I've taken medication before to sleep but that actually makes me more exhausted than putting up with this. If that's even possible, which it is.

I'm struggling to find the positive in this tonight except for the fact that i have come up with some pretty sweet ideas for my house which was my original intention. So I've been thinking of all the positive things that seem to keep coming each day while trying not to figure out what I've done to deserve them. I'm getting closer to accepting them AND feel deserving of them. Sometimes good things happen and I'm not going to ruin them by trying to figure out why. Look at me taking baby steps.

So I'm going to journal for a bit because putting thoughts on paper is therapeutic for me. Then I'll read if that doesn't clear my mind until the book hits me in the face because i dozed off. Don't judge me you know the same thing has happened to you. I don't require much sleep which is a blessing and a curse but definitely a blessing in this situation i suppose. So if you're up reading this right now this late at night-what's wrong with you? Don't you know you should be sleeping? Good luck and i hope you get some rest.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Sometimes Things Just Speak To Me

Now after i wrote that title i thought some people are going to be disappointed because I'm not talking about inanimate objects or animals speaking to me so hopefully you keep reading.

I'm talking about song lyrics or quotes like in Fight Club. I love Breaking Benjamin and one part in their song 'Failure' hits me every single time. 'Tired feeling lost, tired of letting go'. Such a short verse in the song but it really makes me think. I still feel lost at times and I've let go of a lot in my life. Some things needed let go of but others i should've held onto tighter.

I'm an obsessor. Is that a word? If it isn't it is now because i just used it in a sentence. I like to ponder over things over and over and over again so that maybe i can learn where it went wrong and i won't make the same mistake again. This is with anything. My brain is constantly going over things and it can become quite maddening at times.

Tired of feeling lost- we've all felt that way at one time haven't we? Please say yes so that i don't feel awkward. There's been times in my life where i don't feel like things will get better or i have no purpose. That's why i appreciate people like my family that build me back up. Hilary (she's a published author by the way! Congrats!) told me she was proud of me for my blog and for being invited to give a speech about it in August. Not many guys can say their ex-wife is encouraging like that. I've got great friends that are constantly letting me know I'm heading in the right direction. Kinda hard to feel lost when so much positive is happening around me.

Tired of letting go-this one I'm still working on. Much easier to let go. To disappear. To walk away. I've done it quite often in my life and I've gathered quite a collection of regrets. I'm still hoping for the day that my once best friend Elvis and i will reunite and hang out like the good ol days. When i get upset with the same family that builds me up i walk away. I'm tired. I'm tired of walking away.

Like Hilary said- "Ryan you are a hard son of a bitch to be around sometimes and there's different Ryan's a person has to be able to deal with but that's what makes you unique." That made me laugh until tears ran down my face. It's what i needed to hear. May sound strange to you but people that really know me can speak the exact things i really need to hear and that's what i love about them. I'm a snowflake people. How in the hell can that be a bad thing?

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Beacon of Hope

I have been humbled and blessed to be included in a great organization called Beacon of Hope and Melissa is doing great things-amazing things.

This weekend, the 7th, she will be having a walk/run at ESU and i highly recommend you like their Facebook page so you can be kept up to date with everything going on. On the 22nd, the generous John and April with Maud's Tattoo Company have agreed to help with a tattoo fundraiser. You can choose from a set of tattoos they have designed and it is first come first serve.

On August 25th, there will be another activity at ESU and this is the one I will be giving my hopefully candid but informative experiences living with Bipolar. I'm nervous i must admit but i feel it's good to put a face to a diagnosis. Help people realize that it is nothing to be scared or ashamed of. Be proud of who you are and don't let anyone take that away from you. In September, i Erik be sitting on a Q and A panel so I'll let you know the exact date so that specific questions can be asked of everyone involved. The more we talk about it, the more informed those around us can be.

Melissa has offered to let me become trained in the area of suicide, prevention, etc and what another honor. So many people have been there for me that it feels good to possibly be there for someone else in a time of need.

So many good things are happening in my life that i often wonder what i did to deserve it. That kind of thinking gets me into trouble every time so I'm just trying to be thankful and roll with it. Thank you so much for your support!! I am forever grateful! So go like Beacon of Hope, support anyway you can and i hope the rest of your week is blessed. Thank you again.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully