Is There An Off Switch For This Thing?

I really should be sleeping. I really want to be sleeping. I'm not sleeping. My brain won't shut down and i could really use an off switch about now.

This is the part of bipolar or obsessing or however you want to label it that might literally drive me crazy. It can start with the simplest thing like an idea i have for my house and then suddenly oh look a squirrel and I'm suddenly contemplating what it really meant that so and so said today and why was that person looking at me at church this morning? Do they know something about me? They don't know me so how could they? Ok damn it what do they know? Chill Ryan there's nothing to know so what's it matter? Damn it what do they know?

Once this train gets rolling it's really really hard to get it to stop. I will doze off but then I'll dream about it. Do you understand how exhausting that is? I will be thinking about it awake, fall asleep and dream about it and it just continues to roll when i open my eyes. Then i wonder if i was really asleep at all. I've taken medication before to sleep but that actually makes me more exhausted than putting up with this. If that's even possible, which it is.

I'm struggling to find the positive in this tonight except for the fact that i have come up with some pretty sweet ideas for my house which was my original intention. So I've been thinking of all the positive things that seem to keep coming each day while trying not to figure out what I've done to deserve them. I'm getting closer to accepting them AND feel deserving of them. Sometimes good things happen and I'm not going to ruin them by trying to figure out why. Look at me taking baby steps.

So I'm going to journal for a bit because putting thoughts on paper is therapeutic for me. Then I'll read if that doesn't clear my mind until the book hits me in the face because i dozed off. Don't judge me you know the same thing has happened to you. I don't require much sleep which is a blessing and a curse but definitely a blessing in this situation i suppose. So if you're up reading this right now this late at night-what's wrong with you? Don't you know you should be sleeping? Good luck and i hope you get some rest.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully