I went mushroom hunting yesterday and being out in the country gave me that feeling of wanting to disappear. To drive with the sun on my face and never come back. I get that feeling a lot.
I get overwhelmed and the thought of taking off sounds great to the point i actually contemplate it and work out all of the pros and cons in my head. To bolt where nobody knows where i am and nobody knows who i am. It gives me the feeling right or wrong that i can have a clean slate and start over. I can be a new person. Someone that nobody knows the wrongs I've done, the life I've lived-my past.
Reality always sets in though that i can't run away from myself. I think that's what I'm trying to do above anything else and that's when it all comes crashing down that disappearing still won't work. All that baggage will still follow me because i know about it. I remember the past, i remember the wrongs, i remember the failures. Just can't seem to get away from that no matter how hard i try.
I need to let go of all of that and man have i tried. I punish myself over things that happened years ago. I fault myself for entire situations and get stuck hashing out if I'd done this or if I'd done that then this would've happened and boy look at where I'd be now. But i have no way of knowing that. I have no way of changing the past. I'm frustrated.
I want to control so badly that things get out of control yet i keep on trying. I refuse to give up that i can do everything and that i will make things go the way i want. The problem with that is there's too many variables to the equation called life. It's an unsolveable problem and my brain can't handle that.
So the struggle continues on being able to take life as it comes. To quit obsessing. To quit over thinking every little detail. I'm not sure if I'll ever win this battle but I'd settle for a tie at this point.
I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully
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