Who Knew?

So I've actually started watching YouTube videos of people with bipolar and doing a little research and it's amazing how many similarities there are. Who knew?

It's a good feeling listening to someone else say they do certain things or experience certain things that i do. It's comforting. There's comfort in knowing I'm not alone. I watched a guy that was filmed while having a manic episode that wouldn't take his sunglasses off because people could look into his soul if they looked into his eyes. Yup sounds crazy but i have fine the same thing. I remember sitting in a session with my counselor Greg saying the same thing refusing to take my sunglasses off. I still have a thing with looking into people's eyes. I feel like i can see their past and secrets and it freaks me out and i don't want them to be able to do the same. I've told vey few people about this and they've all pretty much been on my 'team' of professionals trying to help me. But I'm done being embarrassed of who i am and what i experience.

Yesterday Julie and I went shopping and i went to the grocery store next door while she finished up so i could grab some stuff for my coffee. On the way back to the car, i got to see a 'demon' and it's a good feeling to smile back instead of having that feeling that I'm crazy and wanting to run. Is it like that all the time? No but i appreciate it when it is.

I have a serious problem with preachers. I hate even writing that but i do. I had a horrible experience with one when i was in rehab and i still to this day have a horrible time not feeling like they're evil. Sinister. They're going to hurt me. I made myself have lunch a few months back with one and i was able to do it but it was hard. I told myself it's not his fault i have this weird tick but I'm not sure i could ever ever ever be alone with one. I have no idea why my bipolar brain picked preachers but it's real to me and I'm still working on it and have been for years.

I feel myself going manic and I've been taking my pills every single day. I think that's why I'm able to talk about some of this stuff today. I feel euphoric and that someone is going to read this and that it will be some ground-breaking stuff. That I'm going to be invited to speak all over the place because my insight into bipolar is way beyond what anyone has ever heard before. I'm kind of a big deal in case you didn't know. Knowing that is coming on I'm shall writing now before i really get full of myself and write stupid shit that I'll be embarrassed of later.

I love me some manic. I slept forever last night into this morning and i think my brain knew this was coming and gave me some rest before the storm. This is where i get confused on why i swallow pills everyday because this isn't suppose to happen, right? This is what they're trying to take from me but just can't seem to get it accomplished. So what's the point? Right now I'm telling myself I'm doing it for those i love on my life because i don't want to for myself this morning. So I'm going to go swallow my pills real quick and I'll be back.

Ok pills have been swallowed so you are welcome for me doing that for you. It's all about making those around me comfortable so if doing that accomplished that then so be it. I would've lied about taking them if i waited any longer so how's that for brutal honesty? I don't take them until later and so now I'm off my schedule and routine and we all know how that makes my world go around so if you don't believe how serious i am about getting better then there's no convincing you and i don't feel i need to be around you.

So I've started another short story and i think it'll be well-received. I have some ideas for more poetry. I've got a lot of ideas right now that i would like to do. I want a food truck. I've talked to my mom, brother and Julie about this. Probably a good thing i don't have the funds to buy one now or i would have one by the end of the day guaranteed. Buy now think about it later. Nothing ever goes wrong with that mentality. I think about things that happened in the past i could make right if i just talked to them right now. As in now. Immediately. Drive to Eudora and talk to Elvis. Drive to Wichita and talk to my kids and others involved with them and hash things out and we all get along. Go have coffee in Olathe with my brother and tell him all these amazing ideas i have and listen to him tell me his mind is blown. Which won't happen because he's good at talking me down and i don't want that right now. So on i ramble.

Maybe you're tired of my rambling? Fair enough because i have things to put on paper. So I've shared this part of me for once. Not the post craziness but the live version so yeah. Never thought i would. Who knew?

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

If I Lay Here...Oh Look A Squirrel

So I have a problem with sitting still. I can't focus on one thing for very long before i start getting nervous and need to move onto something else.

I love to journal but i can't do it for long stretches at a time. I have four separate notebooks and each has its own purpose and i have to carry all of them with me so that when i get bored journaling then i can work on my short story notebook and then move to my poetry notebook, etc and that may be in a span of 15 minutes that I've written in all three and then I'm back to my journal. I'll then try to read and may get thru 4 or 5 pages before i can't focus and then I'm back to my notebooks routine.

I love movies but it's very rare that I'm actually 100% focused on the movie. I will journal or pace while it's playing because i can't sit still long enough. My brain is going and I'll remember something i wanted to do so off i go. I love reading but can't stay focused. I love journaling and writing but trail off. I have started my second short story and have it all worked out from start to finish but after i write a paragraph, all focus is gone and I'm off to do something else.

I'm a gamer on Xbox but I'm playing 5 games right now because i can only play the same one for about 15-30 minutes before i can't focus on it anymore and need stimulation from something different. So i have multiple ones i will play in the span of an hour.

I don't remember it always being this way. I could read, journal, write and game for hours. I was frustrated if i had to stop doing those things and now I'm frustrated because i CAN'T do those things even though i want to badly. I know i frustrate Julie and those around me when I'm fidgety and pace and constantly need to be on the go but the frustration in my head and with myself is a million times worse. It's a horrible feeling not being able to focus when all i want to do is focus.

I know ADD, ADHD and the adult versions are over-diagnosed but so is bipolar and i definitely have that. What keeps me from seeking help with my issue? It'll mean another pill i have to swallow. Yup. That's it. Makes perfect sense, right? Deal with extreme frustration and irritability because i don't want to swallow one more pill. Plus I'll have to be a guinea pig for medication until they find the right one that works and that frustrates me. Hell you're probably wondering what doesn't frustrate me at this point and good question because sometimes i wonder myself.

If I'm going to be real honest i don't want to add another diagnosis to the list of descriptors of my mental health. Bilpolar, schizzo-affective, acute anxiety and whatever they want to disgnose this as. I don't like it. I may own my bipolar and everything rise but i still struggle with the label.

There's more i can write but I'm already running out of patience writing this. Why do you think my blogs are so short? So I'll continue this topic in my next blog as it needs to be addressed and I'll let you know what i decided to do about it. Until then...oh look! There's a squirrel!

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

In Case You Didn't Know

As you all know, Julie had started blogging about her experience dealing with my bipolar as my significant other and her perspective from the outside looking in. I love that she's doing that.

I love that she's doing that because it has helped me in many ways. She asks tons of questions from a place of wanting to understand and help. I feel very comfortable talking to her about what I'm feeling and will answer anything she throws my way.

I'm able to do that because she makes me feel safe and she doesn't judge. I'm at a point of in case you didn't know...I am feeling like this. She also holds me accountable. Instead of being upset and saying nothing, i tell her what has my anxiety peaked, why my frustration may seem unwarranted but isn't to me. Yes it may take some well-placed questions at times from her but i am talking.

I get scared and i can admit that. It's scary to tell someone what goes on in your head sometimes when you have bipolar. It's scary to have someone reassure you that something didn't happen, even though you swear it did. It's scary to let someone in on 100% of your life without worrying that they're going to run screaming or tell me to take a flying leap.

So this is new to me but I'm digging it. It gets less scary and intrusive each day. Yes it feels intrusive to me because bipolar has been mine for so many years that i feel like I'm being peeled like a potato talking about it intimately. I can talk about it in general to everyone else but this is someone I'm sharing my life with. Someone whose opinion means everything to me. Someone that i don't want to leave. Someone that is someone to me. That scares the shit out of me but for once it's not going to control me and my happiness.

So in case you didn't know...thank you Julie. Everything you've done means the world to me. You mean the world to me❤

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

On the Outside Looking In

My girlfriend Julie came to me with an interesting idea and I'm really digging it. She, too, is a blogger and asked my permission to blog what it's like dating someone with bipolar. It's a no-brainer if you ask me...i said of course.

What i love is that she researches and researches bipolar. She listens to YouTube videos of people with bipolar, psychiatrists, etc so that she might gain a little more understanding of what I'm experiencing or going thru. She's ordered two books on bipolar. She asks me questions on if certain things pertain to me and how if yes or what is different if no.

The questions were hard at first for me to answer. I'm use to people asking out of morbid curiosity or as a way to hold it against me. I honestly felt like she didn't have a right to know at first because it's mine. But the more i realized she genuinely cared and wanted to know so that our relationship could A last and B be fulfilling for both of us, my responses came easier and easier.

It feels nice to have someone care so much that they are willing to learn everything about you but also scary as hell. It's nice to have someone understand yet stand their ground when i feel like being an asshole because I'm struggling with meds or the lows or I'm manic, self-medicating, disappearing whether physically or mentally. It's nice having the confidence that she's still going to be there helping me along the way. I've dealt with bipolar for over 20 years and I'm still learning but I've found someone that is willing to learn right along with me.

It's not every day that someone comes into your life and makes things better or makes you strive to be a better person. Some of you have been with me on this journey since my first blog and have seen my ups and downs. What i thought i wanted versus what I've needed. Trying to control every little detail of my life while losing complete control of everything. It feels good to be in a good place. It feels good to say that. It feels good to be me.

So go check out hellandbackwithstyle.blogspot.com and you can follow her personal journey and struggles along with us now as a couple and her perspective of dealing with my bipolar. We may eventually do a blog together but it's all baby steps at this point so stay tuned and I'll keep you posted. Now go read her blog.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Emotions

Let me say that no i am not in a bad place but this poem describes my train of thought when i am. A glimpse of the bad side of bipolar...

Destroyer of lives
Why my purpose?
Let me die
Punishment is life
Witness my destruction
Let me die
Forced to live
Don't want to breathe
Lungs fill anyway
Heart is dead
Was it ever alive?
Let me die
Still here

Burn everything
To the ground
Nothing left
But black
Yet i walk
Still wondering
Why
Am i still here?
Let me die
Forced to walk
One foot
Still going
In front of the other

I see no future
Only the past
And regretd
Pump thru
My veins
Sustaining life
Let me die
A life
Not worth living
Yet here
I am
Let me die
Still here

Sleep Has Left the Building

Another night of waking up at 1 in the morning with way too much energy zero need for more sleep. I go to med clinic on Wednesday so maybe they'll get this figured out. I'm trying to keep an open mind and not get frustrated. I feel manic but it's not the fun kind it's more the med-induced kind. Big difference.

Some good news and something I'm proud of is I've been asked to be on the Board of Directors for Beacon for Hope and i have accepted and am honored. What a powerful organization that is making a difference in Emporia and am thankful to get to aide Melissa Kurtenbach and the rest of the board in any way possible. I'll be the lived experience speaker September 15th at Jones Park for the walk which still blows my mind. She has also humbled me beyond words by having artists paint their interpretations of my poetry and having it published as a book to be available at functions. I have not enough words in my vocabulary to express my gratitude and admiration for her and this organization.

So obviously good things are happening in my life and it feels good. I was getting down because i have a hernia and will be having surgery which means I'll be confined to bed and not getting out. I was upset but needed to start looking at the positives in my life. I have two amazing daughters and a son, i have Julie and her two kids that put a smile on my face every day, i have a mom that supports me beyond what any mom should be expected to. I have a big brother and sis-in-law that love me unconditionally and two neices that i adore beyond words. I have a lot to be thankful for.

It's easy to get caught up in the negative, especially in the wee hours of morning when it's me, myself and I keeping each other company. Negativity can become addictive and spreads like wildfire if allowed to. I'm learning to extinguish that crap. Meds are helping along with a great support system. I no longer try to do this on my own. I talk about what I'm feeling and how I'm feeling. I reach out. I don't keep people in the dark or push them away as hard anymore. Julie has been a huge help with that...but it was a struggle. She didn't give up and I'm forever grateful for that.

So my challenge to you is to talk. Just talk. If something is bothering you- reach out. If you're depressed-ask for help. If you think life isn't worth living anymore then i beg you to realize you are important, special, loved and your life is worth saving. Get in touch with Beacon for Hope and they can give you all available resources. Call 800-273-TALK. Fight and keep fighting.

800-273-TALK

Beacon for Hope

Keep fighting the fight and realize you are not alone. Regardless of what you think YOU are NOT ALONE!!

Have a great week everyone and think of one positive thing in your life and let it grow from there.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings

I haven't decided if I'm fine with this piece yet out not....

I feel your love
While you
Fill me
With your hate
A
Burden i try
To carry
On broad
Shoulders
To ease
To take
To calm
Your pain
While masking mine

Avoidance
Eases all
Things
Until it
Doesn't
Talk to mr
I can't
I won't
I will
Because
I must
To stay
Sane
Whatever that is.

Sitting Idle Isn't My Cup of Tea

So i ended up with a hernia and now i get to sit at home for over a month until i have surgery and heal. I'm not happy about it. At all. Not one bit.

My biggest struggle is going to be boredom as boredom in the past has led to drinking. It's a time and boredom killer for me. I can find any excuse to drink but being idle really doesn't help. Knowing this helps. Having a good support system helps. Being pro-active helps.

Not feeling productive leads to irritation and a bad attitude which leads to the temper i try so desperately to remain control over. I need to keep in mind this is no one's fault around me so don't take it out on them.

I'm not a patient person and I'm sure you find that hard to believe but I'm not. No really I'm not. At all. That's going to be another hard one for me. To be honest about my recovery and how I'm feeling instead of worrying about getting back to the grind. Yikes.

So I'm hoping knowing all these things that i can stay healthy in mind, body and spirit. That i can take one day at a time and let things fall into place. Not to try to control the situation and get back to 100%. I will if I'll allow it...hey i can control something in a positive way for once. I'm going to control my giving up control. Look at me turning into a big boy.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Things Fall Into Place

I'm sitting here watching a camp fire with a hot cup of coffee in hand and life is good. Life is good. Man it feels good to say that.

I have a great relationship with my girls, Ashlyn and Corynne and want to work on having a great relationship with my son, Braden. I have an amazing woman, Julie and her two kids in my life. I have family like my mom and brother and sis. I have Sarah who might as well be my sister, Stacy...friends that are so much more. My friends are my family and that's a great feeling to be that close to people that aren't blood but you wouldn't know the difference.

The point I'm making is once again i can list amazing things in my life. Things that, when I'm feeling down, can bring me back up. I am truly blessed. My meds are starting to level out and that's a great feeling. I almost have a week of sobriety under my belt and for those of you that know me, that is an accomplishment. I'm proud of that fact.

It's crazy how i have all of these good things happening because i finally let go and let things fall into place. I control and control and control yet can't figure out why everything is completely out of control. It's madness but i think my life gets so out of control that i must control something. Myself. That's all i can control and I'm still struggling with that but it's true. All i can control is myself.

So I'm learning to let go and let things keep falling into place. It's working out great so far so maybe there's something to it. Who knew? I'd write more but i have breakfast to cook, an amazing woman to talk to and a lake to enjoy. Enjoy your weekend everyone.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully