I'm Back From the Trip Inside My Head

I've been away for a few days and it's because I've been in a funk. I've been struggling with some things but i think my head is screwed on straight again.

One of my biggest struggles is my meds. I hate taking my meds. I have this problem with thinking that it makes me less of a person or steals my creative side from me. It's not true but tell myself that. If you can convince him please let me know how you did it. So i argue with myself on whether i need them or not. I hate getting blood levels drawn. I hate everything about it but the end result is that i need them whether i like it or not. So the psychiatrist started a different one today and off to the races i go.

I still struggle with just accepting things are great and to be happy about it. Sometimes the other shoe isn't going to drop and i miss out on life worrying about something that isn't going to happen. That can be a dangerous thing because it's like a virus and starts spreading through everything and everyone around you and if I'm not careful then it leave me a lonely person because nobody wants to be around that. Hence the medication i hate to take but obviously serves a purpose.

I'm better at being vocal with those around me so they don't feel like they did something wrong with my silence. Sometimes i like to disappear while I'm sitting next to those i care about and I've learned to come back and use my words to reassure that nothing is wrong, i just went on a little trip. Those trips are starting to get shorter.

I have a lot of positive going on in my life and i refuse to be my own worst enemy any longer. I am going to fight to keep all the positives in my life instead of going on trips in my head and realizing there's no one there when i get home. I told you that is a dangerous place and now it's time to follow my own advice.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings-8

I see that shadow
I know him well
He follows along
Begging for his form
I won't allow it
I can't allow it

Follow my journey
Watch me change
Angry at every
Good choice
Comes close
Reminds me of the past

That shadow
Such a bad thing
Filled with anger
Filled with hate
Causing pain
Feeding off of it

Can't forget
Not allowed
Branded for life
Tattooed with his essence
So he follows
Waiting

Feel my self doubt
Can i change
Or doomed to fail?
Will my
Evil angel
Win?

I fill others with insecurity
I make them uncomfortable
I make them lose trust
I make them remember
I make them question
I make them run

I try
I say I've changed
Words are easy
So I'm told
Fall out of my mouth
Onto deaf ears

Well i have changed
Prove it you say?
I can't wait
Let me show you
So the shadow
Stays at bay

I'm Very Confident In My Lack of Confidence

Self-confidence, or the lack thereof, still a huge struggle to date. I'm not sure if it means I'm still doing something wrong or I'll never be able to do it right.

Right now it feels like I'll never be able to things right. I've done to many wrongs to ever make them right and my biggest achievement will be disappointing those around me. At least i lived up to that expectation.

I'm really, really trying to stay positive and pull myself out of this funk i woke up in. I just keep thinking about what someone said once. That once you see the real side of someone that's the truth of who they are and they can never change. People don't change...maybe for awhile but never for good. If that's true, then I've been doomed to fail from the beginning. If that's true, why even try?

I'm going to keep trying and this isn't some victory speech that's going to get the 80's movie slow clap that i never understood, but for sanity's sake. I refuse to live in a world that I'm doomed to fail. I refuse to allow other people's opinions of me decide what i can and can't have in my life.

My lack of self-confidence tells me to give up. Act however you want because all this trying will be for nothing if I'm doomed to fail anyway. Too much damage has been done to get friends back. Too much damage has been done to my love for us to make it. Too much damage has been done to family that the next rocket trip to planet dipshit will be the final straw.

A lack of self-confidence can be a damaging thing to myself and those around me and i struggle. I am trying. I have changed. Maybe it's that some refuse to see it. So why is that my burden? Why do i make it my burden?

Probably because i still screw up. Probably because i will never reach a level of perfection so it is true that I'm doomed to fail if i look at it that way because that's honestly what we expect from others isn't it? An unrealistic expectation of doing everything right everyday. Every action, every spoken word, every emotion must be perfect because a score of 99 out of a hundred is pretty damn good but I'm sorry it's not perfect so thanks for the valiant effort but you fail.

So i continue on with fighting to be the man i want to be knowing I'm going to fail achieving perfection. And I'm fine with that because a perfect guy sounds boring to me. My imperfections make me unique. They make me different and there's nothing wrong with being different. Who in the hell wants to be like everyone else? I think I've more than proven that i don't. I just need to be more confident about it.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

You Said You'll Never Leave But I Know You're Lying

The title says it all. I have abandonment issues. Why? That's the million dollar question. I sit here and think that i have zero reason for that issue and i feel that i am correct which makes it that much more frustrating for me when i feel this way.

I grew up with both parents in the house. They were married until the day my dad passed away from cancer. So i never experienced a parent leaving when i was a child which can obviously be a reason for someone to feel abandoned. Not it.

I have this feeling of impending doom. Someone is going to leave me. Something is wrong. Someone is going to leave me. Today is the day that my world gets turned upside down. Someone is going to leave me. Someone is going to die. Someone is going to leave me. Someone had changed their mind about forever with me. Someone is going to leave me.

As you can see it becomes all consuming and that is when i do something stupid. That is when it goes from a mental glitch to a reality. A self-induced reality. I like, no, i love my reality. I love everyone in my reality. Not today paranoid man with bipolar. That former me is gone. I refuse to let him back in. His shadow still hangs around.

It's his shadow that brings this self-doubt. This lack of confidence i get from time to time because i think that's part of it. I need to be confident in other's confidence that they're here for the long haul. I need to drink off of that instead of drinking from the well of paranoia. That well is contaminated and has been for a long time.

I'm a fighter now instead of giving in to every emotion and then trying to sift thru the damage later. I don't use my diagnosis as an excuse to be lazy. Because giving in to every emotion is laziness. Pain and simple. It's the easy way out and puts the burden on others you were too weak to carry. I am not a weak person. I'm not that guy anymore.

So talking about feelings makes people uncomfortable. Trust me, i know. But it is a necessity. It is a must. It is the absolute key to my relationship growing stronger by the day with my love. It is necessary to keep my friendhips strong. It is important for my family to know what's going on instead of lashing out. That shadow of who i use to be likes to hang around and see if he can take back over but the jokes on him. He forgot that when i become a better man each day, my future gets bright and shadows disappear.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

I Need Sleep Or This Dream Really Needs To End

45 minutes. That's a decent amount of time for quite a few things. Exercising, time spent waiting on hold...numerous things except total amount of sleep for the night. Not so much.

For some reason my brain decided to go on OT last night and if would share its paycheck with me it might be worth it. But I've never seen a dime so i won't hold my breath. I got in this obsessing mode and man i got things figured out and it was happy thoughts but sleeping makes me happy too.

I was thinking about the future and it looks bright and fills me with an all-consuming happiness but i guess i really needed to start hammering all the details out once the sun went down. I must do my best thinking from 10pm on. I'll need to see if i can switch shifts because I'm not cut out for this one anymore.

My relationship looks bright and that's going great. I looked into some different options for careers I'm interested in and how i can achieve that. Then i sat there and played out every combination of scenarios on how it would turn out. Crazy, right? Maybe. Ok yes it is but I'm not sure how to stop doing something that comes so automatic.

I feel I've gotten my temper under better control. Yesterday i had a minor setback with that one but i still feel i handled it better than that former self would have. That former self wasn't a very good guy and i like me so I'll do whatever it takes to keep liking me. I feel I'm getting my OCD tendencies under better control minus the obsessing. That's good. Lots of positives going on. I use my words with people instead of shutting down and escaping into my head. Never escape into my head if you have a chance. Sushi is amazing but you're not going to buy it from a gas station so think of being inside my head as gas station sushi.

So hopefully tonight is better. I've got things to do today, dinner with my mom then Men's Group so hopefully I'll be so tired once that's all done that i can finally get some shut eye. Hope you all have a good day and stay safe.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

I Tried My Skin On Today. Anyone Know A Good Tailor?

I am a huge Linkin Park fan. Chester stopped a concert for me because he saw me get pulled down and waited until he knew i was ok before starting back up. I can't make this kind of thing up. That being said my heart goes out to his friends and family. I listen to his music all the time and this morning i was listening to Crawling. I understand that feeling. 'Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal. Fear is how i fall, confusing what is real.' Wow.

It's hard to be in my own skin at times. More than i care to admit. I think of all the things in my life I need to make right and what if i can't? What if I'm not able to? I've got a lot of positive things happening in my life so I'm not saying my life is crap by any stretch of the imagination. It's the major things that haunt me. I am with my soulmate but i caused a lot of hurt and pain. Can i make all of that forgivable? I lost my best friend...is that so far beyond repair that I've lost him for good? There's obviously people in this town that feel I've wronged them in an unforgivable way. I saw one of them yesterday and it made me realize that there are people out there that still think of me as a bad person. Still talk of me as a bad person. Am i a bad person?

I have a hard time with being me sometimes. I have those days that i can't get relief from wanting to sit down but i have to walk in circles because my brain won't slow down. I'm craving to sit down with a good book but start a movie instead because i know my attention span is to the point that even the movie will turn into background noise so that i can journal for 2 minutes before i have to move on to two lines of poetry but nope can't do that either so let's work on a short story just to start thinking how irritated i am that I'm not reading right now. I want to go hang out with friends but that means leaving my apartment so nope. Wait i hate that I'm in my apartment instead of hanging with friends so down the stairs we go...what the hell am i doing outside of my apartment? Get back in there!!

Let's add in a side of heart issues because life really has a sense of humor. I can't remember the last time i didn't have a black eye from passing out and falling. I can kick my own ass like a champ. I can also dwell and obsess on it like a champ. I can joke about it to make others feel better like a champ. I can be scared. I can cry when I'm alone because what if I'm finally getting good back in my life and this kills me?

What if i can't make all these wrongs right? What if i can't be forgiven for things i long to be forgiven for? What if I don't get to enjoy a long life with my soulmate? What if my best friend never forgives me? What if i changed for the better but it's too late and I'm stuck with 40 years of regrets?

I'm sorry this one isn't my usual funny upbeat blog but it's just as real. Sometimes the show has to stop and the actors have to get real. This is the reality of me crawling in my skin worrying about wounds that won't heal.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Paranoia Drives White Vans, Love Drives A Nissan

Alright, alright, alright. Have you ever seen something you swore was there but chances are it really wasn't? We all have. Completely natural for the eye and mind to jack with us from time to time and we see a shadow or something out of the corner of our eye just to turn and nothing's there. I mean, this does happen to the 'normal' people out there too right? Man i hope so or you guys are really missing out and should get out more.

Now how about vehicles and people. Are you cool enough to look out a window and see the FBI (man they really are probably following at this point) in white vans sitting outside your house? Have you been in such an enlightened state of psychotic psychosis that your brain has literally told you that your boring, laid back lifestyle is so interesting that the FBI wants to hang out outside just to catch a glimpse of how awesome you are? Why are you saying no? Oh that's right, because my answer should be no as well. Ummmm...is it bad that it's going to be yes? Well that sucks but I've already said too much so keep up so i can get this finished before they knock on the door.

I don't see them all the time and it's few and far between but it's so real to me when i have, that i emailed the KBI and told them to please quit following me. Let that dandy piece of candy soak in real good for you. That leads to a certain bit of chaos and embarrassment and I'm sure a red flag next to my name in their database. It lead to the sheriff, the EPD, courthouse security and my brother being notified to name a few. I still have to show my face around in this town. Tell me i haven't been judged as a looney tune.  But that's beyond seeing a shadow or something out of the corner of my eye but it's as real to me as that strange white van sitting out....you get my point.

My family has tolerated this craziness and supported me thru thick and thin with a passion that equals no other. Well no other except my love that drives a Nissan. She doesn't think I'm crazy. Well she does but not in that sense of the word. Not the negative way people have of saying it but in the way that I'm unique and she loves that about me. She told me she's going to be by my side thru all my ups AND all my downs. That 'and' is huge. I'm use to buts. I'm use to clauses. I'm use to horrible, hateful remarks. The only thing she had to say when i finally let go and told her all of this baggage that came with me was she finally understood why i had done the things i had done and that she loves my honesty. And me. Another huge 'and'.

I can't imagine how isolated and lonely she had to have felt at times the first 2+ years we were together. Constantly wondering what she had done wrong while i disappeared into my head thinking i was doing her a favor by hiding it. It lead to our break up. It lead to heartbreak.  It lead this unashamed, strong and confident man that I've become. What? Yes i am saying I'm glad all that bad happened because now my life is filled with good including M because of it. So even though it was painful I'm glad it happened. I needed it to happen.

I've now got being a key note speaker in my sights. I want to speak to schools, law enforcement, mental health conferences...i want to help others get where I'm at before 40. I want to give insight to those that deal with the public. I want to touch lives in a positive light. I'm not ashamed, I'm not embarrassed and i like me flaws and all. So does my family. I'm guessing M does too since she said she's looking forward to the next 40 years. She obvioulsly hasn't tried to picture what I'm going to look like at 80.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

God Help Me, I Think I'm Crazy

This is going to be a rambling piece of work and I'll try to stay on topic as I go but I'm needing to get all of this out of my head or God Help me, I'm going to go crazy. See what i did there? I put the title in my blog story thing. I'm an absolute genius to the idiot degree.

So anyway i couldn't sleep or i did and i dreamed i was awake which I'm going hope is the case because crazy enough things happened that i refuse to entertain the idea that it was real.

I have reoccurring dreams of people leaving me. Obviously I had a sit down with Frued and he told me i have an issue with being in love with my younger sister. I felt bad having to tell him i don't have a younger sister so i politely asked for the check and left him to his rambling.

Rambling. I'll stop. So anyway these dreams are so real that I've woke up crying. Yeah that's crazy but keep up with me here. So I'm sure you can guess who is leaving me in this awake dreamstate or dreaming awake state i had. Ding ding you get a prize. M. Why? I think I'm insecure if you want blatant truth out of me. A part of me says this is too good to be true dummy. You are not this lucky of a guy, remember? You're the guy that screws everything up good in his life and you already did that once with her so why in the holy hell would you guys get back together? She'll come to her senses and run as fast as she possibly can while you stand there with your heart in your hand.

Now what irritates me is this is the part of me I've been trying to burn to the ground. I refuse to fall into old habits so why does my challenged brain try to sabotage my happiness? What is it with me that must have this part? I don't want this part of me. This is where i struggle with my diagnosis because that schizzoaffective part is what is jacking with me. Good old paranoia.

Paranoia doesn't always mean i think the FBI is after me. Great they are now though because i typed FBI. Damn it, i did it again. I get paranoid that she'll find someone else better. I get paranoid that I'm going to screw up. I get paranoid that she's going to get tired of me being paranoid. It's exhausting and i use to keep that nice little bundle of crazy locked away but that got me from being in the best relationship of my life to living in an attic loft so I've proven this part of me is a dangerous asshole hell bent on ruining everything good in my life. Well screw him.

I'll talk to M about what's going on. That's going to be new and hopefully she doesn't have a heart attack from shock because i know how those feel and i wouldn't wish that on anyone. The point is, I'm going to let her in on my crazy for the first time. I'm going to communicate. I'm going to be vulnerable to her judgement because that's what grown-ups do. At least when I've talked to these things called grown-ups that's what they tell me, the crazy creatures that they are.

I'm tired of the old me. I don't like that guy. I've started liking the new me and i he's a pretty good dude. So i won't let schizzoaffective Ryan screw up new Ryan's life. So I'm going to keep working towards having a healthy relationship and doing it right this time. Hey, that paranoid lil feller is a part of me and i accept him for who he is but it doesn't mean i have to follow his advice.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
(And a paranoid lil feller called schizzoaffective)

R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings 7

Second Chances

Do dreams come true?
I had lost faith
Things of fairytales
Never happen for me
Watch it from afar
Thru glass
To everyone else

I couldn't, I wouldn't
Quit thinking of you
Of us
Two powerful letters
When combined
Tried getting use to 'me'
Get use to 'you'

There was a void
In my heart
That only you could fill
Figured it would stay
Try to cover it
Let no one see
Try to do me

When you are truly
A match made in heaven
Things have a way
Of coming together
Like the piece of you
And the void
In my heart

They say time
Is a valuable thing
Time heals
All things
I took those for granted
But I'm
A believer now

My world changed
In an instant
For so much
The better
We're proof that
Love always
Finds a way

When two souls
Connect like ours
Nothing can seperate
For long
What was meant to be
Me for you and
You for me

Second Chances Don't Exist Until They Do

True love doesn't come along very often. So when you've lost it, it tends to stick with a person. In my case, to a point that life is an existence that involves missed chances and regret. Until now.

I eluded to the girl i fell head over heels for and then burned it to the ground in my Hello...My Name Is Bipolar #2. Well her name is M. We hit it off quick and I felt things for her I had not felt in a long time and honestly had no desire to feel for anyone. It was scary and it out me in a state of vulnerability that i didn't care for but couldn't stop. I wanted this woman to see that side of me. The real me. I told her I loved her.

Scared the ever loving sh*t out of me. I fought it. Not on my watch but her love for me was like a Timex. It took a licking and kept on ticking and i fell even harder. I couldn't picture my life without M in it nor did I want to. I wanted to marry this woman. And the crowd goes silent. Did Ryan just say that he wanted to get married? Holy crapoly. I know. Imagine how i felt.

I bought M a ring and i couldn't wait. We ended up postponing the wedding and i took that as a personal fault. I started thinking i want worthy of getting married and being happy and that insecurity was the beginning of the end i just didn't know it then.

M is a phenomenal horse rider because i can't think of what they're really called but she is amazing. I took that something amazing and sucked the joy right out of it because by God someone else was teaching her something i couldn't. Cue the 5 year old having a temper tantrum. Pathetic isn't it? It gets worse. I no longer was invited to horse riding thru every fault of my own butt keys put that blame on others because I'm kinda perfect therefore it absolutely cannot be my fault. So instead of dealing with me she started going to Topeka more and more often. Now I'm not saying that was the way she should've handled it but i understand.

The fateful day week forever be etched into my mind. Without going into crazy detail i convinced myself she didn'twant to be with me. We've covered this in my other blogs. It never works out well when i imagine things that aren't real. This is one of them. I ended it. I lit the match and burned it to the ground and she never saw it coming. When i decided to come back to reality the damage was done and i was beyond her forgiveness.

It's been over three months and i wasn't deserving of a second chance. Until i was. M came over tonight. M missed me. We talked about things that i had thought would never be resolved. They're resolved. I never thought we'd get back together. We're taking things slow and working towards that together. I never thought this day would come and now that it has i will never do anything to let it go. I'm a believer in finding that soulmate and i already knew I'd found mine but thought i had lost her. Little did i know we were lost on the same road, we were just walking at a different pace. All that matters is the ending and i like my happily ever after.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings-6

Owl Love You ForAwile

I'd given up on an idea
A myth they called love
People swore it existed
Been so long i wasn't convinced
Then i met you

Fought it
Scared me
Didn't want it to happen
What if it didn't last
Easier not to feel

Started falling harder
Wanted to run faster
Love is a weapon
Leaves one vulnerable
Opens the heat to experience pain

So beautiful
So genuine
Damn it no
Falling further
No stopping now

Terrified but thrilled
Feeling complete for once
Thoughts this won't last
If I'd only known then
My exact undoing now

Fell hard
Fell early
Fell fast
Constantly falling
Eventually to my demise

An all consuming love
Never thought possible
I would die for this woman
No thought
Take the bullet steal the pain

Want to steal the pain
Can't help but inflict
My insecurities
Taken out
On her

No more
Can she take
One losing
Of the mind
Too many

History doomed to repeat
Takes me back
Don't let it happen
Make it stop
I can't lose love again

Too late she's gone
Stay alone
Stop
Ruining
Lives

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings-5

Let's Talk

Where did you come from?
Who do you
Think you are?
Yes we can talk
But don't expect anything
I'll have to say no

Want to be alone
I've given up
Can't you see?
Yes we can talk
But we're nothing
I need to be alone

Meeting sounds great
Harmless
I'll talk with you
But nothing more
I can't open up
Because you won't like me

Laugh
See I'm funny
I'm that guy
You're comfortable
That's my job
I'm on overtime

Have fun
Talk is pleasant
Leave you with a smile
You say you enjoyed
Yourself
My job is complete

Thank God you
Didn't meet me

I'm off the clock
Think of tonite
It felt natural
That's scary
Thank God you
Didn't meet me

I'm Sorry I'm an A**hole-I Guess I'm A Natural

Have you ever been called an a**hole? I mean when you ready think about it, that's a very descriptive, disgusting thing to be called but man if the shoe fits i suppose i must wear it. Now I'm trying to get that descriptive, disgusting visual out of my head and I'm sure you are too. Good morning and you're welcome.

I hate negativity. I don't like attention seeking behavior. The kind of behavior witnessed on Facebook...you know what I'm talking about. The 'ugh' posts. Literally just says 'ugh' and then it's followed by silence from the person that posted it as they sit at home hitting refresh to see how many people care that they're having an 'ugh' day. The 'please pray because something absolutely horrible happened and the curiosity will drive you insane but i will only respond with um i can't talk about it on here, duh' post. You must be stripped of your fingers so you can no longer type such stupidity. The dreaded YouTube videos of sad songs hinting at being demolished and life may or may not be worth sticking around for. Yes 'Everbody Hurts' sometimes but now i want to punch you in the face to make YOU hurt sometimes.

Now before you quit reading thinking I'm off my meds and the old Ryan has come bubbling to the surface i want to let you in on a secret i was told once and it punched ME in the face. If you find something extremely irritating in someone it's probably because you have the same quality or characteric inside of yourself. Well screw that I've never made a vague, attention-seeking po...i mean my situation was different. At least I've never been that guy that posted a sad YouTube vid...but no one has ever experienced sadness like i was that day. I'm 100% sure I've never wanted to kill myse...well son of a...

It's been hard but now i see those posts and i try to offer encouragement because when i did that kind of thing that's all i was after but from the safety of Facebook where i didn't have to actually talk face to face with someone and be vulnerable to the 'suck it up' or 'i don't have time to meet but you'll be fine' pep talk. The sad songs may be the last cry for help for that person and maybe one nice comment is enough for them to decide today is worth seeing thru because someone took the time to ask if they're doing ok. I put myself in their place because as bad as i hate to admit it, I've been in their place.

It's easy to judge and it's really easy, for me anyway, to be an a**hole towards those that make me self-reflect and see the things I've done that makes me relate to the very thing they're doing that pisses me off. It's a lot easier to roll my eyes and keep scrolling while muttering under my breath how pathetic they are but i need to remind myself I'm sitting on the very thing that describes exactly how I'm acting. One quick 'are you doing ok' takes a lot less time than texting my buddy about how judgemental i can be towards someone. So i guess my question to you is...Are you doing ok?

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings-4

Seeking Answers

I'm here looking
It's answers I seek
Belly on up
And gaze into the haze
Feel the burn
Confirming what I know
Answers I seek
Answers I'll find
Take that drink
Open my mind
Now I feel human
Life is good
I'll take another
Shot of reality
Pour me a glass
Of knowledge
I'm going to
Find answers
God knows I've looked
Long enough
Keep them coming
For the beauty of it
What I can't find tonight
I can seek tomorrow
Drink until frustrated
Drink until angry
Nothing accomplished
If i found answers
They're long forgotten
But tomorrow will
Be different
Because answers
I'll find

I Don't Have A Drinking Problem, You Just Have A Problem with My Drinking

Am I an alcoholic? Absolutely. Do i still drink? Nope. I believe it started out as curiosity then transitioned into self-medicating and full blown dependence upon the stuff. Is been a hell of a ride to get to where I am today.

I started drinking at a young age and i got really good at hiding it. Staying at friend's houses and such whose parents were a little more lenient with that type of thing. I started drinking before school in high school, at my job on break at the fast food restaurant. It's scary how quick it grabbed ahold of me.

I moved out as soon as i graduated and it turned into a free for all. I remember Hilary walking into our apartment add the bath tub had ice in it and packed with alcohol and i thought she would be impressed. She didn't get impressed by the same things i did i found out. It ended our marriage.

It ended all my relationships eventually. It scared most. I think they thought they could change me and that made me drink heavier out of spite. Real mature, i know. At any point i was actually taking my medication, i stayed away from booze. Get off my meds and here came my ugly alcoholic twin with a vengeance.

I'm not sure how many times I've been arrested and spent the night in jail but it's enough times to be embarrassing. Every single charge I've ever had is alcohol related. Every. Single. One. I've spent thousands in fines and lawyer fees. Imagine if i could have that money back today. I've treated police officers with a disrespect that makes me ashamed and if i could remember every single one i need to apologize to i would in a heartbeat. I'm in crisis mode by the time they saw me and jail was honestly the best place for me at that point just for my safety alone but they didn't know that and didn't deserve the abuse i spouted their way.

I could go on but the point of this blog is I've changed. Just last night i got pulled aside at a get together and was told how cool he thought it was that i drank coffee all night and didn't drink a drop but still had fun. It's times like that that i am truly proud of myself. I made an impact in someone else's life no matter how big or small and they did me the favor of letting me know about it. I've learned that being myself is way more fun than having to apologize to people the next day, than waking up in a jail cell. That taking my meds is way less embarrassing than making the paper for being an asshole. I like who i am and i like me. It took me 40 years to be able to say that but damn it's intoxicating.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar.
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings-3

Forgiveness eludes me
Such a word
We constantly seek
Like chasing a first high
Doomed to fail
I'll never find
Discovering loss
Embracing pain
Lost without it
Yet constantly needing it
Disappointment
Spread it easily
Hand it out effortlessly
Say i want one thing
Constantly proving otherwise
Sit alone
You've fucking earned it
So love it
Cherish it like no other
For that's what you've
Earned

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings-2

Who Am I?

Smile
Make others comfortable
You like me, right?
Tell me what you want
So I can be liked
Leave me at home
Pack the faces
Put on what pleases
Leave me behind
Laugh
You're comfortable, right?
Keep layering identities
Forget who I am
But you like me now
That's all that matters
Until you see me

I'm Angry That I'm Angry

I went to sleep with this on my mind and woke up with it on my mind so time to vomit this out of my head. You're welcome.

I've really been working on my temper as it can be quite explosive and juvenile in nature but it's hard not to get frustrated and the damage it's cost in the past and to not obsess over it. Here's some examples:

I love my family. My brother is one of my best friends but I've treated him horribly at times. I have called him and said inexcusable things in drunken rages, I've publicly bashed him on social media and I've turned my back on him for long stretches yet everytime I'm forgiven by him. My sister-in-law who i call 'sis' forgives me. My nieces forgive me. I'm not angry that they all forgive me, trust me. What gets me is would i do the same over and over and over for them?

Elvis and I had been best friends since middle school. Had each other's back thru first loves, heartbreaks, thick and thin but i have this problem called anger that that has put such a divide between us that we haven't talked in over 5 years. I was the best man at his wedding. His wife Jill has done nothing but loved me and i returned their favor with voiced opinions of hate and anger. Yes i have bipolar but i refuse to use that as a crutch to beat people down with so why do i do this? Elvis isn't sure we can work this out because what if i do it again? Sadly he has a valid point.

So I'm angry that i get so angry. My friend John pushes me to be a better person and i think his philosophy has helped me tremendously and that's that today I'm going to be a better person. I'm not going to worry about tomorrow or next month....today i choose to be a better person. A year from today can i look back and be proud of the man i was today? I sure hope so. Because I'm looking back a year ago from today and I'm not sure i can be proud of that man.

It boils down to I'm in control of my actions for once. Now I've always been responsible for my actions but there's a big difference from the two. I am finally controlling my actions-I'm not doing what feels good which is lashing out and pushing away and acting like a child...I'm actually acting like a man (most of the time) and controlling how i react which is a lot harder but surprisingly less damaging in the long run.

I end with we all have something we need to work on and we can make excuses or keep doing what we're doing, which lets face it, is the easy way out or we can make changes and in the end get a sense of accomplishment out of doing the hard thing. A year from today, will you be able to look back and be proud of the person you were today? Only you can decide how you'll be able to answer that question.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Hello...My Name Is Bipolar #9

I want to let everyone that has read my blog know that i appreciate you taking time out of your day to be a part of something very important to me.

I was going to write about my stay at the state hospital but i don't feel like i want to at this point so I'm not going to.

This will be the last of this blog for awhile but I'll still put a blog out about different topics because I'm an opinionated person that just has to get his two cents in. I can't help it. I'll also put some of my poetry on here.

If anyone has any questions about me, a loved one, bipolar in general...anything please feel free to message me on Facebook on the The Truth Shall Set You Free page and i will answer whatever you send to the best of my ability.

Please remember that if you're depressed or thinking of suicide, reach out to someone because it does get better. Call 1-800-273-8255 24/7/365. Do whatever it takes to stay alive another day because you are worth it.

CrossWinds in Emporia is very good at what they do. They offer all kinds of therapy and they have a med clinic so you can get everything done thru them that you need. I recommend getting help. I always think i can do this on my own and i see results when i actually ask for help and surround myself with positive people. So call your local mental health center and get that ball rolling. There is nothing to be embarrassed about and it doesn't make you less of a person. It makes you a brave person taking control of their life and I'm proud of you for doing it.

Thank you again for your support, the kind words, the encouragement and for your time to get a small glimpse into what my life of bipolar with schizzoaffective disorder has been like. A long journey with many forks in the road but I've made it this far and i want to continue seeing where this journey leads me.

Get help, stay on your meds, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it and let's get take the stigma out of metal health. God Bless

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings-Poetry

The Rage of Storm

There's a storm in my heart
The raindrops fall down my face
Wind blowing memories across my mind
Clouds crowd my soul
It builds as it's rage tries to let loose
Clouding vision and thought
Obscuring anything but right now
Visibility of future is zero

I try to seek shelter from the storm
I fall to my knees begging to survive
Refusing to drown, I cry out instead
Take my hand, walk with me
Give me shelter
Give me peace
Give me forgiveness
Give, give, give-the storm rages on.

As I weather the storm
I'm trapped with me
Fear leads to control
Control leads to chaos
Chaos feeds the storm
The storm rages on
I must let go to live
I must look inside for peace

Alone I'm forced to deal
I fight, i won't say it
To speak it aloud makes it real
You can't have it
It's mine
My eyes are wide shut
Let this storm rage
I'm in control, I control, I am control

The storm rages on
My shelter battered and beaten
Don't look at me
You won't like what you see
Put the boards back
Hammer the nails deep
Please don't take this
I feel naked and raw

So exposed
The storm takes but did it give
Raindrops and rage pour down my face
The thundering of anguish
Energy spent
Lying on my back forced to look up
Never considered any direction but down Until now

I stare at the clouds
Full of anger and regret
Do they rage to ease the pain
Cry to release the pain
Unafraid to pour their emotions
Down upon me
Leading by example
Showing me the way

I realize i was wrong
Look with eyes clear
They rage for loss
Cry to mourn
Knowing I'm lost
Knowing i can't be saved
If by now i haven't changed
I never will

Allowed to look up once
So i can find truth
I turn my eyes downward
I understand this storm now
I embrace it like a lover
For this is the love i know
Time to go
And embrace the storm

Hello...My Name Is Bipolar #8

I got a few private messages from three dear friends yesterday with some questions so it prompted me to cover some more of the why behind my reasoning behind choices I have made in the past.

First off...there is nothing wrong with going to therapy, seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist, being on meds-seeking help of any kind for yourself including a 72 hour evaluation. What IS wrong is not taking action in the best interest for yourself. This blog will probably seem like a repeat of others but that's fine because it needs to be repeated over and over and over again until it takes the sting of stigma from someone sitting on the fence and they make the choice for themselves to feel better.

Relationships. Unhealthy relationships can be a problem because i know i felt bad about myself so why would i deserve anything good in my life so i put up with things that i should not because part of me felt i needed to be punished for being less of a person because of my diagnosis and because i didn't like me. I'm sure that didn't make sense to you but that's fine because it doesn't have to. It was better than being alone, right? I also was not a peach in the relationships because i so wanted to be 'normal' that i wouldn't take my meds so i had anger issues and was so exhausted trying to hide my symptoms that i would disappear inside myself leaving the other person very lonely often wondering what they had done.

This expands to friendships as well. I don't think Jill will mind me using her and Elvis as an example. I was the best man in their wedding yet due to an angry outburst on my part (remember the blog where i had constructed this whole scenario that my brother had done but really had not done?) and because of that i told Jill for her and Elvis to never contact me again. Ever. This blog has been such a blessing because guess what Jill saw that prompted her to break that silence of 5+ years yesterday. I'll give you three guesses and take away two of them. Now thank goodness she decided to be the bigger person and not only contact me but gave forgiveness as well that I'm still sitting here wondering if it's deserved. She said that's what family does for each other. That resonates with me because not everyone has that kind of support so instead of being judgemental to that person with a mental illness maybe try to be a friend or that family that makes a difference in their life and you may be surprised on how that's reciprocated and needed.

Alcohol and drugs are common with mental illness. It's called self-medicating and man did i love me some of that. In my mind i was normal when i was drunk off my ass. I blended in with my peers and was a functioning member of society. I could not have been farther from the truth. It takes sobering up to realize that my peers weren't drinking before or during work. They weren't lashing out in anger because the demons i was trying to bury would rear their ugly head and manifest in the ugliest anger and rages that nobody should have to endure. They weren't getting arrested multiple times a year. They weren't destroying relationships. I kept a stock of gasoline and matches and burned every bridge in my life i could get to and thank God i have a lot of family and friends that had a crew following me rebuilding them as i went. I'm very fortunate. I honestly am.

I'll go ahead and end this blog here saying that you have no idea what a person is dealing with and we're quick to judge. I'm included in that statement so i know it's hard not to. But you have no idea what you'll do for that person if you reach out and ask if they're ok. Would they like to talk or go for coffee. Extend that text or private message that lets you know you're thinking of them. Take a lesson from Jill and remind them that's what family does.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Hello...My Name is Bipolar #7

I was going to write about my last stay in a psych ward but i feel that what I'm about to hit on instead is much more important.

Where were you 10 years ago? Are you the same person today that you were then? Would you want to be judged today as the person you were then? Can i judge you? Even if i don't know you?

That's a lot of questions and i hope you really considered each of them because i hope besides the first question you answered no. This is elementary age logic that us adults just can't seem to grasp and it's the honestly a huge problem in this country. We have become quick to form an opinion without all the facts at hand yet preach it like it's the gospel truth. One of those very things that's getting spread is the stigma on mental illness.

I expected some backlash on myself from being open and honest with the struggles I've had dealing with my diagnosis but I'm going to tell you my motives were entirely selfish at the beginning. I expected such low response and negativity (see even i formed an opinion to judge others by so I'm not blameless) that i strictly wanted this to be therapeutic for me to put it into words and put it out there as a way of letting some of my garbage go. Never in my wildest dreams did i expect such a positive response. Private messages of encouragement, texts saying thank you because i suffer from _____ and now i know I'm not alone...the list goes on.

The thing about positivity is it had it's polar opposite that likes to show up and his name is negativity. There's always going to be those that can't stand to see a person get ahead or pull themselves out of the hell they're suffering from but I'm here to tell you right now that they aren't worth dwelling upon and here's why...miserable people love company. It makes them self-reflect and heaven forbid they might see something they can relate to in us 'crazy' people. But do you want a little insight? That's on them. It has absolutely nothing to do with you as a person and let that shit go. I can say this as a person that finally decided to do exactly that and i wish i had done it years ago.

I haven't been in a psych ward in about 10 years. 10 years...let that sink in because it really needs to. Think about 10 years ago, where you were then and now fast forward to where you are now and tell me you didn't have a slight shudder thinking about the past and thank goodness nobody holds 10 years ago against you. So why is mental illness different? It isn't. It really isn't. So if someone is trying to do exactly that...reread the paragraph above. I'm not ashamed of my past anymore because it has helped me get to this point of my life. I wish the same for you.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Hello...My Name is Bipolar #6

We went on a journey down memory lane yesterday of my first ever stay in a psych ward and we're going to keep on going with stay 2 and 3

Topeka was the place i stayed for the 2nd and 3rd stay. They have a nice facility and staff. It wasn't a bad place at all and between the two stays i think i was there for 10 days total.

What led me there was depression. I had cut on my legs to release and eventually i ended up in the bathroom at work, locked myself in refusing to come out until my dad and brother finally showed up and talked me out of the bathroom. I'm embarrassed for myself while writing this even though i shouldn't be so it just goes to show how paranoia and depression can impact a person.

I cut on my thighs because feeling pain is therapeutic to me when I'm feeling like this. My feeling of pain somehow releases the other. I'm that way when my temper is full steam ahead as well. It releases the anger. I have since learned other ways to cope such as removing myself from the situation, praying and counting just to name a few.

Inside we did group therapy, art therapy, individual therapy, gym time and met with a psychiatrist. It was amazing to me the extreme difference between this place and Cushing. I actually wanted to talk to the other patients and truth be told we did more for each other than any therapist or PHd could do. We knew where each other was coming from so we could give genuine sympathy and wanted to be an ear for each to talk to because all we ever want is understanding and above everything else that's what we could provide each other.

I use to be terribly embarrassed of the fact i had been to these psych wards but i finally realized they have helped shape into the person that is typing this blog right now along with other regrets and positives in my life. I like the guy typing right now. I can't remember the last time I've said that if ever and I'm sure he appreciates it.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Hello...My Name is Bipolar #5

Welcome back and i appreciate you still being with me on this journey. Over 1000 of you over 5 continents have found what i have to say worthwhile and that's humbling so thank you!!

Last blog i filled you in on the major symptoms i experience so today we're going to start in on my stays at psych wards. I'll cover each stay individually. 

My very first time in a psych ward was in Cushing in Leavenworth. I was going to rehab in Atchison at the time. Valley Hope. My drinking had gotten way out of control so off to rehab i go. While there i had a couple of moments that really tested my sanity. The first was going into the bathroom and while washing my hands i looked at my reflection in the mirror. It was my reflection but it was doing stuff i wasn't doing. It was like seeing an evil version of me. I remember thinking this is why washing your hands after peeing is overrated. The second that finally got me carted off was a preacher was there trying to talk to me. I had seen that demon face on him and so i wanted nothing to do with him but he persisted so i freaked out. I won a 72 hour stay in the psych ward for my participation.

I remember getting on the elevator at the hospital and there were no buttons for floors. The nurse had to put a key in and that was the only way on or off the floor we were heading to and that's when reality set in. The doors open and now I'm officially committed for 72 hours. All rights ceased to exist. I couldn't leave no matter the circumstances and that's a horrible feeling. So i did what any rational human being would do and tried to escape.
I'm not sure how many of you have tried that but it's not like the movies. That place was like a jail without the title. Did you know they frown upon that? So much so that they gave me a pair of these really neat padded bracelets that could attach to a bed in a suite you get all to yourself for awhile. How kind-really you shouldn't have because the others might get jealous.

After the appeal of the suite wore off, I got to hang out with the gen-pop and the first thing i did was sit on the couch in front of the boob tube. Mistake #2. They're watching the channel that talks about serial killers and crime shows. Two of the guests started talking about the most horrendous things I've heard of what they had done to people and i thought well I'm going to die within 72 hours but at least I've got my room to escape to.

I'm getting my limited affects out by my bed and had just sat on the bed when Serial Killer Fan #1 walks in and lies down on the other bed for what i can only imagine were dreams of dismembered body parts and murder. This is not me judging because I'm forming my opinion based off the fact that he talked about wanting to dismember and murder like i talk about liking pancakes for breakfast. I knew i was going to die so i avoiding my impending dismemberment by sleeping in the hallway outside my room. 

So long story short i obvioulsly avoided dismemberment or being murdered so i could tell my stories to you amazing people. I was put on meds and released back to the other land of crazy called rehab. I'm not sure which place was worse at times but i survived.

I joke about the psych wards because it's better than the alternative and it's shaped me into the man i am but doesn't define me which I'd why I'm able to be open about it now. Don't ever be embarrassed of your past. Everybody has one.

I'm not bipolar-i have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Hello...My Name is Bipolar #4 Part 2

Welcome back! In Part 1 I covered the symptoms of my manic depressive states so this time I'm going to cover the other symptoms i experience with the schizzoaffective side. Please fasten your seatbelts because we're in for a ride.

I see some crazy things sometimes but you really need to focus on the word sometimes. It's not constantly or most of the time...sometimes. That crazy thing i see is a demon face for lack of a better word in random people's faces. Like i said before, if you've seen The Devil's Advocate then you've seen exactly what i see. I don't know these people i see it in. I've never been sitting in your living room, for those that know me, trying to figure out how I'm going to get away from your demon-faced self so you can now relax. You haven't read about me in the paper attacking random people on the streets. It was scary as hell when i first started seeing that but now i just walk away from it and go on about my day.

Voices. Voices are fun. I still don't know if it's just inside my head like how you talk to yourself in your head or if they're out loud but I'm not getting told to murder kittens while naked dancing in the moonlight. Most of the time it's random, stupid stuff. The TV and radio don't tell me to do stuff and my heart goes out to those that happens to. I can't imagine how scary that must be. I always remind myself there's people that have it worse off than i do.

The worst of the symptoms for me is the isolation which then turns into obsessing. And when i say obsessing i mean i will focus on something for hours. I will play every scenario possible out in my head. That by itself is not ok but then i will convince myself it really happened and i will act out upon it. For example, I did this with my brother and i convinced myself he said things he never did and it last me to be so angry that i refused to talk to him let alone be in the same room as him for well over a year. Over a year over something that never happened in reality but i could have passed a lie detector test 7 days a week that it really happened. Because it did in my mind. I will obsess over something until it's worked out in my head whether in reality or not.

These are some of the things i deal with and I'm sure I'll add more as they come up or i forgot. I hope this has been informative and next time I'll hit my stays in the psych wards so you can get a feel for what those places are like. Thanks for reading!

I'm not bipolar-i have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Hello...My Name is Bipolar #4

Wow. Honestly wow. If i could give each and every one of you a hug for your support, kind words...it proves that we are starting to remove this stigma of mental illness as a society and it's amazing!! Thank you, thank you and a million times over thank you!!

Today I'm going to get more specific into my symptoms so as you can have a better insight into my version of bipolar. And that's exactly what it is-my version. So if you've been reading this and have doubts as to whether you should talk to someone please err on the side of caution and GO! My point is you don't have to, won't have to have symptoms that 100% mirror mine but what you need to do for yourself is get help and realize YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

With my bipolar i experience the typical manic-depressive states along with some extracurricular activities. That sounds like it could be movie. 'In this man's brain, where no one in their right mind would go, are things happening, things known as extracurricular activities'. Imagine that in the movie guy preview voice and it's actually pretty awesome. I'll probably think i can make it into an actual movie next time I'm manic so somebody please stop me when that point comes.

So manic. Oh my do i love it when I'm manic. I'll average about an hour of sleep for every 24 hours and oh man do i have the most amazing ideas ever. Ever. EVER. Why don't you sit back and I'll give you some examples. I went to my cousin Thomas and told him I'm going to direct a movie/documentary on my life. You know, because my life is so interesting and i have impacted this earth in life shattering ways that people would want to watch my crazy ass on film. I'm a big deal in case you didn't know. In my own mind. When I'm manic. So he bears with me and i filmed hours of the most amazing footage shot since we landed on the moon, the JFK assassination and 9/11 combined. Because I'm a big deal in case you didn't know. In my own mind. When I'm manic. I was the next Scorsese, i was going to be bigger than Harry Potter and holy crap thank God i came down before i posted that to YouTube or i would be writing this from Ossawatamie. I watched it and wanted to callunder s Rick and never come out. It was horrible! It was embarrassing. It was me manic. I've started books because i was better than Stephen King and he wouldn't have used it for toilet paper. I don't want to sleep because i feel like I'm missing out on something. What i could possibly be missing at 3am when everyone in their right mind is asleep is beyond me. When i come back down i have to assess what I've said or done and deal with the embarrassment or more than anything ask myself what in the heck was i thinking?

Now for the dark side. The depression is manics evil cousin. It can be debilitating, dark, suicidal, endless and the worst. It's like being stuck in an argument that you can never win but are forced to argue anyway. I want to crawl out of my skin. I want to do something, anything but can do nothing. The sun loses it's shine, things that made me smile seem idiotic, I'm filled with negativity about the past, present and future and debate if the future is even worth facing. It's entering a dark tunnel but someone forgot to turn the light on at the end. Everything loses its value and purpose and so does life. This sounds dramatic even as I'm writing but the sad thing is it still hasn't been done justice when your in those pits of hell. It's the worst of the worst and all I can do is try and ride it out.

This is getting long so I'll do a part two tomorrow on the rest of my symptoms. If you find yourself struggling but have nobody to talk to or can't face those you do please call 1-800-273-8255. They answer 24/7/365. Calling that number or reaching out to somebody is a victory you should be proud of. Just remember that just because you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Again 1-800-273-8255 and they answer 24/7/365

Until next time...stay sane!
I am not bipolar-I have bipolar.
R. M. Sully

Hello...My Name is Bipolar #3

I'm going to start this one with some upbeat news. I currently am in therapy and it is doing wonders for me. Firm believer in seeing someone and talking out your issues. I also see a psychiatrist and am on meds. They have side effects but the ones i get without my meds are way worse so meds are a good thing. If you're on the fence with either one i highly recommend you take the plunge.

Now for the meat and potatoes of today's little chat. I started dating Hilary in high school after Stefanie and i were over. I met her because her locker was over by mine and the guy she had broken up with was a little on the psychotic side. Well he came marching down the locker banks and was harassing her and i stepped in and did the whole white knight deal and got him to back off. We started talking after that and then we started dating. I'm sure she's going to correct me on stuff in here and probably rightfully so in which case I'll do an edit later.

Well we weren't together very long when we discovered she was pregnant and our daughter Ashlyn was born in November of our senior year. We graduated and ended up getting married that summer. I had no business getting married because i was an immature, alcoholic 18 year old ding dong. My priority was how drunk i could get, how much time i could spend with my friends and which bar i was going to that night. So we were done...divorced.

I started out staying a dad to my daughter but alcohol really had a tight grip on me and i started seeing her less and less. Self-medicating does absolutely nothing for you but add on more problems in case you were wondering. I would drop in at my mom's to see her but honestly as much as i hate to admit it i disappeared for awhile.

We're going to fast forward to my son Braden is born and later on we decided that we were older and getting remarried would work this time so we did. My daughter Corynne is born. It worked for approximately five years and went down in flames. Again alcohol grabbed me and took me for a ride and Hilary was battling her things and i went to rehab but it was just too late to salvage the marriage.

Rehab was the first time i was honest with a psychiatrist and the first time i had a diagnosis. Also the first time i was admitted to a psych hospital. That's another story for another time. So started meds, got out of rehab, got divorced, got 30 days of sobriety when i was out and on day 31 i got wasted. And then really got wasted and continued spiraling out of control. I was a better dad this time but still did my disappearing acts here and there.

The thing I'm trying to point out with this whole story is i had the info. I had the knowledge. That's how all consuming bipolar can be. I've heard things like 'snap out of it' and 'everybody gets blue' and it's frustrating because if it was literally that easy don't you think i would do it in a heartbeat? I mean how condescending and cold are statements like that when you really think about it? I'm notorious for feeling 'better' and getting off my meds. Many times. Think definition of insanity. Until you've been in my shoes you can't possibly understand what's going on in my head when i make that decision. Obviously not rational thought. Welcome to bipolar.

I have played my part in ruining my marriage to Hilary not once but twice. At the end of the day I owe her a thank you because she is still patient with me after all this time. Has she been at her wits end with me? Absolutely. Has she tried giving up on me? Probably. Could she have written me off when i disappeared for an embarrassing five plus years this last time? Yes and 99% of people would have. She chose to give me a big hug and offer words of encouragement the minute she saw me again. We may have our differences and couldn't make it as husband and wife but things like that let me know that I'm not alone in this when my exwife didn't hesitate to throw positivity my way.

I owe Ashlyn, Braden and Corynne a shout out as well because they haven't given up on me either. They're there every single time i come out from behind my locked door and act more like adults than i do. I've got great kids. I have amazing kids and would be lost without any one of them.

I hope I'm doing a decent job at giving you an insight into bipolar and it's dynamics. As i continue this series i hope to improve and I'll probably do one whole story dedicated to nothing but symptoms that i either do our have experienced and then one whole story on nothing but the positives I've experienced. My cousin Thomas Herring reminded me That's just as important. It's easy to get stuck on the negative so it's nice to spread the positive as well. Thank you to those who continue this journey with me...It's greatly appreciated!

Until next time...stay sane!
R. M. Sully

Hello...My Name is Bipolar #2

So welcome back. My official diagnosis is bipolar with schizzo-affective disorder with an underlying acute anxiety. Holy crap that's a mouthful and boy does it pack a punch. Let's get down to business and this episode is going to be about losing the first true love of my life and how it's caused problems ever since. Sit back and enjoy the ride...

It all started with a girl named Stefanie at a football game. She captivated me the moment i layed eyes on her and I knew I wanted her to be my girl. The crazy thing is that's exactly what happened and I ruined everything. Give me enough time and I can burn anything to the ground.

Stefanie loved me like I've never been loved before and even after what i stated above, I loved her like I'd loved no other. She was the most caring, selfless and loving girl but confident, smart and beautiful. Instead of constantly appreciating all of those qualities, I took them for granted and between drinking, anger issues from dealing with the craziness in my head and not appreciating her-I lost her.

Now i don't blame her one bit. I couldn't have put up with someone like me and i honestly don't know how she did for so long. Amazing i guess. No matter how hard i tried to get her back the damage had been done and it haunted me for years. Just when you thought i couldn't get any worse...buckle up because you're in for a ride.

I decided to join this thing called Facebook and guys who was the first one to message me...you guessed it-Stefanie. She was divorced as was I and we ended up talking a lot and she eventually came down for a weekend camping trip with our kids and my family. I thought i had died and gone to heaven. I had a second chance to make things right and have my true love back. We had an amazing weekend, my family has always and still does love Stef and i never wanted it to end. She came over and watched a movie with me...little dates that made my world rotate.

Are you thinking how you don't see how this is bad yet? Get ready for a trip with stupid. She was going to come spend the weekend with me and oh my was i crazy excited. Well as life is, a situation cane up that she couldn't avoid and she wasn't able to come down that night. Plans were cancelled. Now that shouldn't have been the end of the world but for some reason it was for me and here comes stupid. I had been sober for three years and that was one thing she loved...i wasn't a drunk anymore. In all my infinite wisdom, buying a half gallon of vodka and getting piss drunk sounded like a phenomenal way to deal with something that wasn't a big deal. This is what's wrong with my diagnosis...sudden changes in plans, stress, disappointment are a big deal. They manifest and are earth stopping. They manifest as she doesn't like me anymore and she's going to abandon me and all sorts of craziness but it's extremely real to me. This is painful just to type.

She calls me to talk and apologize for plans falling thru and I'm drunk as ol Cooter Brown. Remember the part where she loved the fact i wasn't a drunk anymore? Yeah i think being drunk ruins that. She quit responding to texts and phone calls. She vanished off the face of the earth. History had repeated itself. And it was all my fault again. Cue becoming a drunk again at no fault of hers.

I decided then that I would never have true love again. I had blown that chance not once but twice. I didn't deserve true love. My relationships after high school were a pile of destruction and my relationships after the second mirror the first.

I have a tendency to shut people out including who i was dating at the time. I don't fully commit 100% because i expect it to end and always figure out a way to make it happen before they can end it. I use to rush into relationships because i craved the companionship but then despised them because they wanted the same from me. I just got out of a relationship where i had fallen head over heels for this girl...broke my own rules and then i burned it to the ground but that's another story for another day. I'm a walking oxymoron, a human contradiction to the inth degree and then wonder where it went wrong when i come back to reality. This is my world...i don't recommend that you visit.

Until next time...stay sane!
R. M. Sully

Hello...My Name is Bipolar

I'll just let you in that I'm not a fan of proper paragraph structure so hopefully that doesn't mange my blog hard to read. With that being said...

As the title suggests, I use to feel that my diagnosis defined who I am as a person and my intelligence. If you'll bear with me I'm going to take you on a journey of my early days, my struggles and demons to where I'm at in life now. It'll be as many parts as needed and if you're still reading at this point, well, it's greatly appreciated.

I was born in Colby, KS. I don't remember it but I drove thru it once as a young adult and a very nice town but I'm glad i ended up growing up where I did. I grew up out in the country as a child and I'm so glad I did and those are some of my fondest memories. I'll tell stories of that later as there are plenty to tell. Eventually we had to move to town because of my dad's job.

Skip ahead to around the age of 12 and i would say this is when I started noticing that things weren't 'normal' anymore. I remember seeing a little girl who I now realize isn't really there but I would've bet my lunch money she was back then and I continued to see her into my adult years. Freaky right? You have no idea. She wore her hair in pigtails, had an old timey childrens dress in white with blue underneath and was as real as this phone I'm typing on now to me. That was a huge clue that I was in for a journey the rest of my life but man I sure didn't know that back then. Once I realized no one else saw her I kept that BS to myself. I'd seen movies and knew what they did to crazy people! Little did I know I was still destined to visit those places.

Clue #2 was I had these really neat voices that liked to talk to me but darn the luck if I found out I was the only one that heard those. Well dammit, looks like strike two. We might as well hit strike #3 while we're here and that was I got to see 'demons' in people's faces. Imagine being twelve and seeing that. If you've seen The Devil's Advocate and how their faces changed then you have gotten a neat little glimpse into my world. You're welcome.

I appreciate you bearing with me so I'll end this episode here with a preview of what will be covered in this journey of madness. I'll hit my constant struggle as an alcoholic, the devastating effect of losing my first love in high school has still had on my life, meeting the mother of my children after that and our subsequent divorces-yes plural. My journey as a bad parent, friend, son and brother but that no longer defines me either. This journey week even give you a glimpse of mental hospitals from the inside. Oh my...how exciting!

Until next time...stay sane!
R. M. Sully