I got a few private messages from three dear friends yesterday with some questions so it prompted me to cover some more of the why behind my reasoning behind choices I have made in the past.
First off...there is nothing wrong with going to therapy, seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist, being on meds-seeking help of any kind for yourself including a 72 hour evaluation. What IS wrong is not taking action in the best interest for yourself. This blog will probably seem like a repeat of others but that's fine because it needs to be repeated over and over and over again until it takes the sting of stigma from someone sitting on the fence and they make the choice for themselves to feel better.
Relationships. Unhealthy relationships can be a problem because i know i felt bad about myself so why would i deserve anything good in my life so i put up with things that i should not because part of me felt i needed to be punished for being less of a person because of my diagnosis and because i didn't like me. I'm sure that didn't make sense to you but that's fine because it doesn't have to. It was better than being alone, right? I also was not a peach in the relationships because i so wanted to be 'normal' that i wouldn't take my meds so i had anger issues and was so exhausted trying to hide my symptoms that i would disappear inside myself leaving the other person very lonely often wondering what they had done.
This expands to friendships as well. I don't think Jill will mind me using her and Elvis as an example. I was the best man in their wedding yet due to an angry outburst on my part (remember the blog where i had constructed this whole scenario that my brother had done but really had not done?) and because of that i told Jill for her and Elvis to never contact me again. Ever. This blog has been such a blessing because guess what Jill saw that prompted her to break that silence of 5+ years yesterday. I'll give you three guesses and take away two of them. Now thank goodness she decided to be the bigger person and not only contact me but gave forgiveness as well that I'm still sitting here wondering if it's deserved. She said that's what family does for each other. That resonates with me because not everyone has that kind of support so instead of being judgemental to that person with a mental illness maybe try to be a friend or that family that makes a difference in their life and you may be surprised on how that's reciprocated and needed.
Alcohol and drugs are common with mental illness. It's called self-medicating and man did i love me some of that. In my mind i was normal when i was drunk off my ass. I blended in with my peers and was a functioning member of society. I could not have been farther from the truth. It takes sobering up to realize that my peers weren't drinking before or during work. They weren't lashing out in anger because the demons i was trying to bury would rear their ugly head and manifest in the ugliest anger and rages that nobody should have to endure. They weren't getting arrested multiple times a year. They weren't destroying relationships. I kept a stock of gasoline and matches and burned every bridge in my life i could get to and thank God i have a lot of family and friends that had a crew following me rebuilding them as i went. I'm very fortunate. I honestly am.
I'll go ahead and end this blog here saying that you have no idea what a person is dealing with and we're quick to judge. I'm included in that statement so i know it's hard not to. But you have no idea what you'll do for that person if you reach out and ask if they're ok. Would they like to talk or go for coffee. Extend that text or private message that lets you know you're thinking of them. Take a lesson from Jill and remind them that's what family does.
I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully
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