So welcome back. My official diagnosis is bipolar with schizzo-affective disorder with an underlying acute anxiety. Holy crap that's a mouthful and boy does it pack a punch. Let's get down to business and this episode is going to be about losing the first true love of my life and how it's caused problems ever since. Sit back and enjoy the ride...
It all started with a girl named Stefanie at a football game. She captivated me the moment i layed eyes on her and I knew I wanted her to be my girl. The crazy thing is that's exactly what happened and I ruined everything. Give me enough time and I can burn anything to the ground.
Stefanie loved me like I've never been loved before and even after what i stated above, I loved her like I'd loved no other. She was the most caring, selfless and loving girl but confident, smart and beautiful. Instead of constantly appreciating all of those qualities, I took them for granted and between drinking, anger issues from dealing with the craziness in my head and not appreciating her-I lost her.
Now i don't blame her one bit. I couldn't have put up with someone like me and i honestly don't know how she did for so long. Amazing i guess. No matter how hard i tried to get her back the damage had been done and it haunted me for years. Just when you thought i couldn't get any worse...buckle up because you're in for a ride.
I decided to join this thing called Facebook and guys who was the first one to message me...you guessed it-Stefanie. She was divorced as was I and we ended up talking a lot and she eventually came down for a weekend camping trip with our kids and my family. I thought i had died and gone to heaven. I had a second chance to make things right and have my true love back. We had an amazing weekend, my family has always and still does love Stef and i never wanted it to end. She came over and watched a movie with me...little dates that made my world rotate.
Are you thinking how you don't see how this is bad yet? Get ready for a trip with stupid. She was going to come spend the weekend with me and oh my was i crazy excited. Well as life is, a situation cane up that she couldn't avoid and she wasn't able to come down that night. Plans were cancelled. Now that shouldn't have been the end of the world but for some reason it was for me and here comes stupid. I had been sober for three years and that was one thing she loved...i wasn't a drunk anymore. In all my infinite wisdom, buying a half gallon of vodka and getting piss drunk sounded like a phenomenal way to deal with something that wasn't a big deal. This is what's wrong with my diagnosis...sudden changes in plans, stress, disappointment are a big deal. They manifest and are earth stopping. They manifest as she doesn't like me anymore and she's going to abandon me and all sorts of craziness but it's extremely real to me. This is painful just to type.
She calls me to talk and apologize for plans falling thru and I'm drunk as ol Cooter Brown. Remember the part where she loved the fact i wasn't a drunk anymore? Yeah i think being drunk ruins that. She quit responding to texts and phone calls. She vanished off the face of the earth. History had repeated itself. And it was all my fault again. Cue becoming a drunk again at no fault of hers.
I decided then that I would never have true love again. I had blown that chance not once but twice. I didn't deserve true love. My relationships after high school were a pile of destruction and my relationships after the second mirror the first.
I have a tendency to shut people out including who i was dating at the time. I don't fully commit 100% because i expect it to end and always figure out a way to make it happen before they can end it. I use to rush into relationships because i craved the companionship but then despised them because they wanted the same from me. I just got out of a relationship where i had fallen head over heels for this girl...broke my own rules and then i burned it to the ground but that's another story for another day. I'm a walking oxymoron, a human contradiction to the inth degree and then wonder where it went wrong when i come back to reality. This is my world...i don't recommend that you visit.
Until next time...stay sane!
R. M. Sully
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