True love doesn't come along very often. So when you've lost it, it tends to stick with a person. In my case, to a point that life is an existence that involves missed chances and regret. Until now.
I eluded to the girl i fell head over heels for and then burned it to the ground in my Hello...My Name Is Bipolar #2. Well her name is M. We hit it off quick and I felt things for her I had not felt in a long time and honestly had no desire to feel for anyone. It was scary and it out me in a state of vulnerability that i didn't care for but couldn't stop. I wanted this woman to see that side of me. The real me. I told her I loved her.
Scared the ever loving sh*t out of me. I fought it. Not on my watch but her love for me was like a Timex. It took a licking and kept on ticking and i fell even harder. I couldn't picture my life without M in it nor did I want to. I wanted to marry this woman. And the crowd goes silent. Did Ryan just say that he wanted to get married? Holy crapoly. I know. Imagine how i felt.
I bought M a ring and i couldn't wait. We ended up postponing the wedding and i took that as a personal fault. I started thinking i want worthy of getting married and being happy and that insecurity was the beginning of the end i just didn't know it then.
M is a phenomenal horse rider because i can't think of what they're really called but she is amazing. I took that something amazing and sucked the joy right out of it because by God someone else was teaching her something i couldn't. Cue the 5 year old having a temper tantrum. Pathetic isn't it? It gets worse. I no longer was invited to horse riding thru every fault of my own butt keys put that blame on others because I'm kinda perfect therefore it absolutely cannot be my fault. So instead of dealing with me she started going to Topeka more and more often. Now I'm not saying that was the way she should've handled it but i understand.
The fateful day week forever be etched into my mind. Without going into crazy detail i convinced myself she didn'twant to be with me. We've covered this in my other blogs. It never works out well when i imagine things that aren't real. This is one of them. I ended it. I lit the match and burned it to the ground and she never saw it coming. When i decided to come back to reality the damage was done and i was beyond her forgiveness.
It's been over three months and i wasn't deserving of a second chance. Until i was. M came over tonight. M missed me. We talked about things that i had thought would never be resolved. They're resolved. I never thought we'd get back together. We're taking things slow and working towards that together. I never thought this day would come and now that it has i will never do anything to let it go. I'm a believer in finding that soulmate and i already knew I'd found mine but thought i had lost her. Little did i know we were lost on the same road, we were just walking at a different pace. All that matters is the ending and i like my happily ever after.
I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully
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