I am a huge Linkin Park fan. Chester stopped a concert for me because he saw me get pulled down and waited until he knew i was ok before starting back up. I can't make this kind of thing up. That being said my heart goes out to his friends and family. I listen to his music all the time and this morning i was listening to Crawling. I understand that feeling. 'Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal. Fear is how i fall, confusing what is real.' Wow.
It's hard to be in my own skin at times. More than i care to admit. I think of all the things in my life I need to make right and what if i can't? What if I'm not able to? I've got a lot of positive things happening in my life so I'm not saying my life is crap by any stretch of the imagination. It's the major things that haunt me. I am with my soulmate but i caused a lot of hurt and pain. Can i make all of that forgivable? I lost my best friend...is that so far beyond repair that I've lost him for good? There's obviously people in this town that feel I've wronged them in an unforgivable way. I saw one of them yesterday and it made me realize that there are people out there that still think of me as a bad person. Still talk of me as a bad person. Am i a bad person?
I have a hard time with being me sometimes. I have those days that i can't get relief from wanting to sit down but i have to walk in circles because my brain won't slow down. I'm craving to sit down with a good book but start a movie instead because i know my attention span is to the point that even the movie will turn into background noise so that i can journal for 2 minutes before i have to move on to two lines of poetry but nope can't do that either so let's work on a short story just to start thinking how irritated i am that I'm not reading right now. I want to go hang out with friends but that means leaving my apartment so nope. Wait i hate that I'm in my apartment instead of hanging with friends so down the stairs we go...what the hell am i doing outside of my apartment? Get back in there!!
Let's add in a side of heart issues because life really has a sense of humor. I can't remember the last time i didn't have a black eye from passing out and falling. I can kick my own ass like a champ. I can also dwell and obsess on it like a champ. I can joke about it to make others feel better like a champ. I can be scared. I can cry when I'm alone because what if I'm finally getting good back in my life and this kills me?
What if i can't make all these wrongs right? What if i can't be forgiven for things i long to be forgiven for? What if I don't get to enjoy a long life with my soulmate? What if my best friend never forgives me? What if i changed for the better but it's too late and I'm stuck with 40 years of regrets?
I'm sorry this one isn't my usual funny upbeat blog but it's just as real. Sometimes the show has to stop and the actors have to get real. This is the reality of me crawling in my skin worrying about wounds that won't heal.
I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully
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