Am I an alcoholic? Absolutely. Do i still drink? Nope. I believe it started out as curiosity then transitioned into self-medicating and full blown dependence upon the stuff. Is been a hell of a ride to get to where I am today.
I started drinking at a young age and i got really good at hiding it. Staying at friend's houses and such whose parents were a little more lenient with that type of thing. I started drinking before school in high school, at my job on break at the fast food restaurant. It's scary how quick it grabbed ahold of me.
I moved out as soon as i graduated and it turned into a free for all. I remember Hilary walking into our apartment add the bath tub had ice in it and packed with alcohol and i thought she would be impressed. She didn't get impressed by the same things i did i found out. It ended our marriage.
It ended all my relationships eventually. It scared most. I think they thought they could change me and that made me drink heavier out of spite. Real mature, i know. At any point i was actually taking my medication, i stayed away from booze. Get off my meds and here came my ugly alcoholic twin with a vengeance.
I'm not sure how many times I've been arrested and spent the night in jail but it's enough times to be embarrassing. Every single charge I've ever had is alcohol related. Every. Single. One. I've spent thousands in fines and lawyer fees. Imagine if i could have that money back today. I've treated police officers with a disrespect that makes me ashamed and if i could remember every single one i need to apologize to i would in a heartbeat. I'm in crisis mode by the time they saw me and jail was honestly the best place for me at that point just for my safety alone but they didn't know that and didn't deserve the abuse i spouted their way.
I could go on but the point of this blog is I've changed. Just last night i got pulled aside at a get together and was told how cool he thought it was that i drank coffee all night and didn't drink a drop but still had fun. It's times like that that i am truly proud of myself. I made an impact in someone else's life no matter how big or small and they did me the favor of letting me know about it. I've learned that being myself is way more fun than having to apologize to people the next day, than waking up in a jail cell. That taking my meds is way less embarrassing than making the paper for being an asshole. I like who i am and i like me. It took me 40 years to be able to say that but damn it's intoxicating.
I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar.
R. M. Sully
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