You Said You'll Never Leave But I Know You're Lying

The title says it all. I have abandonment issues. Why? That's the million dollar question. I sit here and think that i have zero reason for that issue and i feel that i am correct which makes it that much more frustrating for me when i feel this way.

I grew up with both parents in the house. They were married until the day my dad passed away from cancer. So i never experienced a parent leaving when i was a child which can obviously be a reason for someone to feel abandoned. Not it.

I have this feeling of impending doom. Someone is going to leave me. Something is wrong. Someone is going to leave me. Today is the day that my world gets turned upside down. Someone is going to leave me. Someone is going to die. Someone is going to leave me. Someone had changed their mind about forever with me. Someone is going to leave me.

As you can see it becomes all consuming and that is when i do something stupid. That is when it goes from a mental glitch to a reality. A self-induced reality. I like, no, i love my reality. I love everyone in my reality. Not today paranoid man with bipolar. That former me is gone. I refuse to let him back in. His shadow still hangs around.

It's his shadow that brings this self-doubt. This lack of confidence i get from time to time because i think that's part of it. I need to be confident in other's confidence that they're here for the long haul. I need to drink off of that instead of drinking from the well of paranoia. That well is contaminated and has been for a long time.

I'm a fighter now instead of giving in to every emotion and then trying to sift thru the damage later. I don't use my diagnosis as an excuse to be lazy. Because giving in to every emotion is laziness. Pain and simple. It's the easy way out and puts the burden on others you were too weak to carry. I am not a weak person. I'm not that guy anymore.

So talking about feelings makes people uncomfortable. Trust me, i know. But it is a necessity. It is a must. It is the absolute key to my relationship growing stronger by the day with my love. It is necessary to keep my friendhips strong. It is important for my family to know what's going on instead of lashing out. That shadow of who i use to be likes to hang around and see if he can take back over but the jokes on him. He forgot that when i become a better man each day, my future gets bright and shadows disappear.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully