God Help Me, I Think I'm Crazy

This is going to be a rambling piece of work and I'll try to stay on topic as I go but I'm needing to get all of this out of my head or God Help me, I'm going to go crazy. See what i did there? I put the title in my blog story thing. I'm an absolute genius to the idiot degree.

So anyway i couldn't sleep or i did and i dreamed i was awake which I'm going hope is the case because crazy enough things happened that i refuse to entertain the idea that it was real.

I have reoccurring dreams of people leaving me. Obviously I had a sit down with Frued and he told me i have an issue with being in love with my younger sister. I felt bad having to tell him i don't have a younger sister so i politely asked for the check and left him to his rambling.

Rambling. I'll stop. So anyway these dreams are so real that I've woke up crying. Yeah that's crazy but keep up with me here. So I'm sure you can guess who is leaving me in this awake dreamstate or dreaming awake state i had. Ding ding you get a prize. M. Why? I think I'm insecure if you want blatant truth out of me. A part of me says this is too good to be true dummy. You are not this lucky of a guy, remember? You're the guy that screws everything up good in his life and you already did that once with her so why in the holy hell would you guys get back together? She'll come to her senses and run as fast as she possibly can while you stand there with your heart in your hand.

Now what irritates me is this is the part of me I've been trying to burn to the ground. I refuse to fall into old habits so why does my challenged brain try to sabotage my happiness? What is it with me that must have this part? I don't want this part of me. This is where i struggle with my diagnosis because that schizzoaffective part is what is jacking with me. Good old paranoia.

Paranoia doesn't always mean i think the FBI is after me. Great they are now though because i typed FBI. Damn it, i did it again. I get paranoid that she'll find someone else better. I get paranoid that I'm going to screw up. I get paranoid that she's going to get tired of me being paranoid. It's exhausting and i use to keep that nice little bundle of crazy locked away but that got me from being in the best relationship of my life to living in an attic loft so I've proven this part of me is a dangerous asshole hell bent on ruining everything good in my life. Well screw him.

I'll talk to M about what's going on. That's going to be new and hopefully she doesn't have a heart attack from shock because i know how those feel and i wouldn't wish that on anyone. The point is, I'm going to let her in on my crazy for the first time. I'm going to communicate. I'm going to be vulnerable to her judgement because that's what grown-ups do. At least when I've talked to these things called grown-ups that's what they tell me, the crazy creatures that they are.

I'm tired of the old me. I don't like that guy. I've started liking the new me and i he's a pretty good dude. So i won't let schizzoaffective Ryan screw up new Ryan's life. So I'm going to keep working towards having a healthy relationship and doing it right this time. Hey, that paranoid lil feller is a part of me and i accept him for who he is but it doesn't mean i have to follow his advice.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
(And a paranoid lil feller called schizzoaffective)

R. M. Sully