Welcome back! In Part 1 I covered the symptoms of my manic depressive states so this time I'm going to cover the other symptoms i experience with the schizzoaffective side. Please fasten your seatbelts because we're in for a ride.
I see some crazy things sometimes but you really need to focus on the word sometimes. It's not constantly or most of the time...sometimes. That crazy thing i see is a demon face for lack of a better word in random people's faces. Like i said before, if you've seen The Devil's Advocate then you've seen exactly what i see. I don't know these people i see it in. I've never been sitting in your living room, for those that know me, trying to figure out how I'm going to get away from your demon-faced self so you can now relax. You haven't read about me in the paper attacking random people on the streets. It was scary as hell when i first started seeing that but now i just walk away from it and go on about my day.
Voices. Voices are fun. I still don't know if it's just inside my head like how you talk to yourself in your head or if they're out loud but I'm not getting told to murder kittens while naked dancing in the moonlight. Most of the time it's random, stupid stuff. The TV and radio don't tell me to do stuff and my heart goes out to those that happens to. I can't imagine how scary that must be. I always remind myself there's people that have it worse off than i do.
The worst of the symptoms for me is the isolation which then turns into obsessing. And when i say obsessing i mean i will focus on something for hours. I will play every scenario possible out in my head. That by itself is not ok but then i will convince myself it really happened and i will act out upon it. For example, I did this with my brother and i convinced myself he said things he never did and it last me to be so angry that i refused to talk to him let alone be in the same room as him for well over a year. Over a year over something that never happened in reality but i could have passed a lie detector test 7 days a week that it really happened. Because it did in my mind. I will obsess over something until it's worked out in my head whether in reality or not.
These are some of the things i deal with and I'm sure I'll add more as they come up or i forgot. I hope this has been informative and next time I'll hit my stays in the psych wards so you can get a feel for what those places are like. Thanks for reading!
I'm not bipolar-i have bipolar
R. M. Sully
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