Hello...My Name is Bipolar #4

Wow. Honestly wow. If i could give each and every one of you a hug for your support, kind words...it proves that we are starting to remove this stigma of mental illness as a society and it's amazing!! Thank you, thank you and a million times over thank you!!

Today I'm going to get more specific into my symptoms so as you can have a better insight into my version of bipolar. And that's exactly what it is-my version. So if you've been reading this and have doubts as to whether you should talk to someone please err on the side of caution and GO! My point is you don't have to, won't have to have symptoms that 100% mirror mine but what you need to do for yourself is get help and realize YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

With my bipolar i experience the typical manic-depressive states along with some extracurricular activities. That sounds like it could be movie. 'In this man's brain, where no one in their right mind would go, are things happening, things known as extracurricular activities'. Imagine that in the movie guy preview voice and it's actually pretty awesome. I'll probably think i can make it into an actual movie next time I'm manic so somebody please stop me when that point comes.

So manic. Oh my do i love it when I'm manic. I'll average about an hour of sleep for every 24 hours and oh man do i have the most amazing ideas ever. Ever. EVER. Why don't you sit back and I'll give you some examples. I went to my cousin Thomas and told him I'm going to direct a movie/documentary on my life. You know, because my life is so interesting and i have impacted this earth in life shattering ways that people would want to watch my crazy ass on film. I'm a big deal in case you didn't know. In my own mind. When I'm manic. So he bears with me and i filmed hours of the most amazing footage shot since we landed on the moon, the JFK assassination and 9/11 combined. Because I'm a big deal in case you didn't know. In my own mind. When I'm manic. I was the next Scorsese, i was going to be bigger than Harry Potter and holy crap thank God i came down before i posted that to YouTube or i would be writing this from Ossawatamie. I watched it and wanted to callunder s Rick and never come out. It was horrible! It was embarrassing. It was me manic. I've started books because i was better than Stephen King and he wouldn't have used it for toilet paper. I don't want to sleep because i feel like I'm missing out on something. What i could possibly be missing at 3am when everyone in their right mind is asleep is beyond me. When i come back down i have to assess what I've said or done and deal with the embarrassment or more than anything ask myself what in the heck was i thinking?

Now for the dark side. The depression is manics evil cousin. It can be debilitating, dark, suicidal, endless and the worst. It's like being stuck in an argument that you can never win but are forced to argue anyway. I want to crawl out of my skin. I want to do something, anything but can do nothing. The sun loses it's shine, things that made me smile seem idiotic, I'm filled with negativity about the past, present and future and debate if the future is even worth facing. It's entering a dark tunnel but someone forgot to turn the light on at the end. Everything loses its value and purpose and so does life. This sounds dramatic even as I'm writing but the sad thing is it still hasn't been done justice when your in those pits of hell. It's the worst of the worst and all I can do is try and ride it out.

This is getting long so I'll do a part two tomorrow on the rest of my symptoms. If you find yourself struggling but have nobody to talk to or can't face those you do please call 1-800-273-8255. They answer 24/7/365. Calling that number or reaching out to somebody is a victory you should be proud of. Just remember that just because you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Again 1-800-273-8255 and they answer 24/7/365

Until next time...stay sane!
I am not bipolar-I have bipolar.
R. M. Sully