I'm Very Confident In My Lack of Confidence

Self-confidence, or the lack thereof, still a huge struggle to date. I'm not sure if it means I'm still doing something wrong or I'll never be able to do it right.

Right now it feels like I'll never be able to things right. I've done to many wrongs to ever make them right and my biggest achievement will be disappointing those around me. At least i lived up to that expectation.

I'm really, really trying to stay positive and pull myself out of this funk i woke up in. I just keep thinking about what someone said once. That once you see the real side of someone that's the truth of who they are and they can never change. People don't change...maybe for awhile but never for good. If that's true, then I've been doomed to fail from the beginning. If that's true, why even try?

I'm going to keep trying and this isn't some victory speech that's going to get the 80's movie slow clap that i never understood, but for sanity's sake. I refuse to live in a world that I'm doomed to fail. I refuse to allow other people's opinions of me decide what i can and can't have in my life.

My lack of self-confidence tells me to give up. Act however you want because all this trying will be for nothing if I'm doomed to fail anyway. Too much damage has been done to get friends back. Too much damage has been done to my love for us to make it. Too much damage has been done to family that the next rocket trip to planet dipshit will be the final straw.

A lack of self-confidence can be a damaging thing to myself and those around me and i struggle. I am trying. I have changed. Maybe it's that some refuse to see it. So why is that my burden? Why do i make it my burden?

Probably because i still screw up. Probably because i will never reach a level of perfection so it is true that I'm doomed to fail if i look at it that way because that's honestly what we expect from others isn't it? An unrealistic expectation of doing everything right everyday. Every action, every spoken word, every emotion must be perfect because a score of 99 out of a hundred is pretty damn good but I'm sorry it's not perfect so thanks for the valiant effort but you fail.

So i continue on with fighting to be the man i want to be knowing I'm going to fail achieving perfection. And I'm fine with that because a perfect guy sounds boring to me. My imperfections make me unique. They make me different and there's nothing wrong with being different. Who in the hell wants to be like everyone else? I think I've more than proven that i don't. I just need to be more confident about it.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully