Don't Buy What I'm Selling

I should've been a used car salesman. They get a bad rap because they're dishonest. Hence the fact metaphorically I should've been one. I apologize to all the honest used car salesmen.

I am an alcoholic. Plain and simple. No point in mincing words or candy coating it. So as an alcoholic I've gotten good at hiding that fact from those I love. Selling false goods. Using their hope knowing it will cause blindness while listening to me profess how I'm clean and sober while I wait until I can have my next drink. I'm a fake at this point.

I haven't been sober as long as my family thinks I have been. I've gotten lazy at fighting and instead beat myself with the bottle. I've been stressed and have used the proverbial coping skills I've become so talented at. If I could sell it as art I'd be known worldwide. The bad thing is it still didn't help me sleep. I mixed booze with my medication which is a huge no-no in hopes I could sleep. Numb. Forget for awhile. Anything really.

I preach to my kids not to be like me. Keep it under control. You've got an example in front of you where that path leads. But I also teach them to be honest. How hypocritical have I been? The classic do as I say not as I do. I can't expect anything from them if I can't back it up myself. My dad always told me all a man has is his word. I've not kept up with that teaching.

I'm going to screw up and my family has always supported me. They've been there when I've admitted I've drank. So why lie now? What's the point? I'm 41 years old so it's not like I can get grounded. There's zero repercussions they can give me so again why lie?  Because there's been so much disappointment. There's been so much said about how proud they are. Because I write this blog and have come so far with being bipolar that I get cocky and forget I'm still an alcoholic that will take any excuse to drink.

I learned to use it as a coping mechanism at a young age. Then it became a necessity. I see it, smell it, hear about it I'm ready to drink until I fall down. Until I get arrested. Until I hurt those around me. Until everyone is laughing at me instead of with me. I know all of this yet I still want to do it. Every single minute of every single hour sometimes. Most of the time. Maybe always.

So I'm not saying that I won't drink tomorrow or the day after. I'm not saying that I will. What I am saying is I won't lie about it anymore. If I can not be ashamed of being bipolar then I shouldn't be ashamed admitting I have a problem and be honest when it gets the best of me.

I'm sorry for those I've disappointed and lied to. I'm sorry for selling bullshit while trying to convince you it's a diamond. I at least owe you all that.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

So I Write

I write a lot about a lot of things. I'm passionate about what I write because it has meaning and context. I feel like I can make a difference. But what if I don't feel like I can? What if I can't convince myself today that it's for a mutual benefit?

Sometimes I need to write because I can. That because of that fact I still feel human. That I'm normal. That I'm still breathing. And sometimes that's enough.

I've been pondering what my next blog was going to be about and it threw me for a loop because I wasn't sure. So hours turned into days and days weeks. I felt like I needed something legitimate to talk about and it evaded me. That's when I realized that's exactly what I needed to talk about. Nothing.

When I start trying to decide how I can get people to read my blog then I have entirely defeated the reason for writing it in the first place. It becomes forced and unbelievable. It becomes not me. I've fight too hard to be me so I refuse to sell out now.

So I have no message. I have no points of wisdom that will explain the unexplainable today. And I'm fine with that. You know why?  Because I realized I can write because I can. Plain and simple. I enjoy writing. I can. So I did.

If there's something you're expecting it of this then fine, I give you this. There doesn't have to be a reason for something. There doesn't have to be an expected outcome. There doesn't have to be expectations. If you enjoy doing something then do it and let that be the only reason.

Keep life simple and do the things that make you happy. The things that make you happy need no explanation at all.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

I'm Me and I'm Fine With That

It's taken me a long time to be ok with me. I'm fine with not being what others think the version of me should be.

I admit I've had some actions in my past that were unacceptable. The anger. Making those around me suffer because of my unwillingness to take responsibility for my bipolar and stay on my meds. For never being honest I have bipolar in the first place. I did that to a person I was with for over two years and I put her through hell.I've left people in my past hurt, broken and maybe worse off for having ever meet me in the first place. I could be cruel, vindictive, insecure and many other things that I can't apologize enough for.

I try not to let the past own my present and future but it's hard. It's hard on one hand because I'm my own worst enemy. My mind is a weapon that's always loaded and I can't help myself but to constantly pull the trigger on memories that can't be forgotten. As you know, I love to obsess on things and analyze where things went wrong, what could I have done different, what can I do to change certain behaviors I have? I self-evaluate all the time because I do want to be a better person.

On the other hand though, I've realized I cannot and will not mold myself in to what another person's perception of me should be. That's the dilemma, or my dilemma anyway, of being so open and honest about my bipolar. I now feel like everything I do is put under a microscope and attributed to my bipolar. I refuse to use my bipolar as a crutch for my actions and own responsibility of them but it seems once I laid those crutches down, some beat me over the head with them.

Do you ever feel like being alone and read a book or enjoy your own company? So do I. Have you ever had a hard day at work and you just want to relax and call it an early night? So have I. Has something justifiably made you angry, upset, sad, happy...basically any human emotion at all? Nailed it, same here.

My point is I know being bipolar can give me actions or behaviors that aren't considered within the norm of society but I'm still human. I still have those emotions that everyone experiences and I'm not going to apologize for them. I'm not going to be a science experiment with everything I do analyzed under a microscope so it can be labeled or explained off as bipolar. I get sad but it doesn't mean I'm depressed. I enjoy my alone time but it doesn't mean I'm a recluse. I get angry but it doesn't mean I'm having an 'episode'. I laugh and get excited but it doesn't mean I'm manic.

I appreciate the friends I have and my amazing family. I know I am truly blessed and I try not to take that for granted anymore. I work on my behaviors every day so that I don't hurt or weak havoc on those same people I have taken for granted for so long. But I'm human. I've dealt with real emotions from them without trying to explain it off or slap a label to it. Sometimes the simplest of explanations is like we've all heard before when such things occur..."We're all human afterall"

I've made leaps and bounds of the person I was before. I've made huge strides of progress. I'm on my medication. I try every single day to not be that person I was before and you know what? I'm succeeding. So I may not be perfect but I'm sure as hell more than just bipolar. I guess what I'm getting at is I'm me and I'm fine with that.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Remembered Past, Forgotten Future

The past
Becomes present
Lash out
Disappear
Push away
I don't need
Anyone
Myself
Is more
Than enough
To deal
With
Today

Memories
They push
Themselves
To the
Front of
The line
Determined
To be
Acknowledged
To
Never
Be
Forgotten

Add
Guilt
Because
He will
Be heard
Feel loss
Because
It needs
Company
But I
Don't
Leave me
Alone

Push away
And if
You hold
Tight
I'll push
Harder
Misery
Loves
Company
And myself
Is up
To the
Task

I need
You
But
Resent myself
Because of
That fact
Do it
By myself
I will
Not
Show you
My
Weakness

So
I
Let you
Go
Move
On
Self
Preservation
Dictates
The
Future
For myself
Alone

So
Walk away
And
Life will
Continue
To go on
Alone
I can't
Hurt
Anyone
If
I chose
Solitude

Deal
With the
Demons
Slowly
Cast them
Out
The classes
Are
Deep
Can't
Change
Overnight

Not A Big Fan

This time of year is hard to deal with. I'm not a big fan of Thanksgiving or Christmas. Yup I said it. Bah humbug and shame on me, right?

My dad passed away the day before Thanksgiving and it's hard to associate the holiday with anything but that for me. Yes I still have the rest of my family to be thankful for but now there's a void that can never be filled for me. His absence is ever present.

Christmas doesn't hold pleasant memories for me during my adult life. It's a time of nothing but stress and bad memories. Feeling like I wasn't able to provide a good enough Christmas for my kids when I was down and out. Feeling like I was a let down to people around me. I cringe when Christmas comes around. I'm sure some of it is in my head only but that doesn't make it any less intolerable.

So then comes my bipolar. My meds this round are helping but not entirely. I've been obsessing and feel myself getting depressed, especially when I'm left alone with myself. I try not to let it consume me but the harder I try the more I think about it. I wish we could go from October straight to January.

I start living in the past. I obsess over it. I know logically I can't change it but that doesn't mean the holidays don't still haunt me. It makes me irritable, angry. It makes me sad for things I've missed out on memory wise with my kids. I disappeared for a few years and wasn't in their life. That's hard to admit but it's the truth. That's what the holidays mean to me.

I've been talking about it in therapy but haven't divulged the full extent of it. It's too hard to voice these things. I want to disappear. I know I need to let go of the past but my mind won't let me and it's about to drive me crazy. I didn't sleep last night. Hello manic...where have you been old friend? I have medicine that will help it go away but I couldn't make myself take it last night. I felt like I didn't deserve to sleep, that I needed to think about all of it. To punish myself. That's the old Ryan and he won last night. Bring honest is the only way to change my behavior. I know better than to fall into that place again. I know there's just as many negatives as I convince myself of the positives of being manic.

I'm struggling with this. Things have been going great and I don't want to backpedal. But I miss aspects of unmedicated Ryan. Those around me don't. Those around me keep telling me how good I'm doing and the great changes they've noticed but I don't want to think about that because in my mind I'm on top of the world and will eventually think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread the more manic I get. I'll be able to do anything and accomplish great things. Unless you've experienced that I'm sure it makes zero sense to you. I understand that.

So I took my medication this morning. I'll take it tonight along with my Zyprexa. I don't want to but I know I need to. I know I've got a battle with myself tonight and I'm not looking forward to it because what if old Ryan wins. Then I'm letting myself and those around me down. Then all of this progress was for nothing. I guess it's time to go to battle with the old Ryan until only one of us is left standing tonight. I'm pretty bullheaded so I see me winning this battle. Tonight is what I'm thinking about. One step at a time.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Life Keeps Getting Better

It doesn't seem real that I'm on meds I love and have zero desire to quit taking them. That's a huge first for me and it feels great.

For the first time, I'm on medication that has leveled me out plus allows me to feel human at the same time. I don't feel like a zombie going through the motions of life. I don't want to sleep all day. I have energy. I'm working and loving what I'm doing. I have proper emotions. Things I haven't completely been able to do on my other medications in the past.

It's helped me to slow down just enough to not make snap decisions or reactions. My temper has dramatically reduced and the way I react to situations that arise aren't taken to drastic measures. It's not all or nothing, I'm actually seeing the gray areas of life.

I haven't been manic in awhile and as dumb as it sounds I do miss it or parts of it anyway. I loved the seemingly never ending well of energy and ideas. The lack of needing sleep. The ideas burst of creativity I felt. I don't miss the irresponsible decision making or lack of attention span. It's nice to be able to sit down and read a book or journal again. To watch a movie from start to finish.

I've been able to sit back and look at situations I've been thru lately and can actually notice the changes myself which I think helps me want to take my meds. When normally I would've blown my top, I've stepped back and thought it thru before reacting. I'm easing up on my OCD like obsession with time and schedules. I'm noticing change and that's a good feeling. So many other things I could cover that I've noticed but the point is the meds are helping. Do I still struggle with it? Absolutely. But it's getting better and that makes all the trials and wrong meds make the right ones worth the wait.

So if you're frustrated, hang in there. Don't give up. Keep looking for and asking for different medications. Look for a different doctor or psychiatrist if need be. That's your right. You are the one dealing with your bipolar or anxiety or depression or whatever it may be so only you can decide if you're getting what's needed for you. It can take awhile and be frustrating as all get out but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Therapy, medication and surrounding myself with good people has made a huge difference for myself and I highly recommend it.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

And So I Walk

Words
When put
Together right
Can
Cut
Deeper
Than A sword
We're laughing
At you
Not with
You
If you had
Any doubts

But I'm
An adult
Dealing with
Grown children
So it
Hurts less
Right?
Their
Ignorance
Should
Be
My
Burden

Why is
The
Explanation
Needed?
Why is it
Up to me
To make
It
A
Given?
Why
Does it
Still hurt?

I'm a grown
Man
So deal
With it
Shrug it
Off
Words hurt
Less and
Hold less
Meaning
I guess
Nobody
Told me

My personal
Struggle
Isn't enough
I must
Also have
To shoulder
Their
Insecurities
Carry the
Weight of
My bipolar
World along
With ignorance

My shoulders
Are tired
The weight
Beating me
Down
I see light
At the end
Of the tunnel
Just for it
To be snuffed
Out
Over and
Over again

I still
Walk forward
One step
At a time
Slowly trying
To find
That light
Again
Refusing
To
Lay
Down
Again

I
Am
Me
I
Am
Not
A
Reflection
Of
You
And
So
I
Walk

Your Ignorance Doesn't Make Me Less Of A Person

I've had a trying week. I've had a frustrating week. The ignorance of people never ceases to amaze me. It never will so I push forward and continue on.

My meds were doubled and when that happens it takes me a few days to transition and it puts me in a fog. I become quiet, super calm and distant. I'm not the funny, energized Ryan I normally am. This makes those around me uncomfortable. Especially this week because of the reaction I got. I was constantly asked if I was mad. What's wrong? Why aren't you joking with us? I assured them I want mad but that wasn't good enough so I decided to be honest with them about my medication. About my bipolar. I thought hey, I'm not embarrassed of my diagnosis and I could educate. We're adults and can act as such. Nope.

The jokes started. I was actually asked if I was going to freak out. I'm not going to come to work and shoot everyone am I? Do I hear things or see things and start talking to people that aren't there am I? I can laugh with people but I can't take being laughed at. There's a huge difference. So every time I had valid feelings or got frustrated because of what I was doing it was watch it Ryan's going to freak out and lose his shit because I'm bipolar after all.

What I don't understand is I was a valid person with valid feelings to them until I was honest about my bipolar. Suddenly I was less of a person that deserved to be ridiculed and made fun of. In their minds anyway. I'm above and beyond that line of thinking now. I am not in control of their ignorance but I am in control of how I react to it. I actually felt pity. I felt disappointed in their stupidity.

The flip side is I was proud of being honest even though the outcome was more than disappointing. As dumb as it sounds, I was proud of myself for talking about it and I still will. The stigma is still there. But I continue to chip away at it one day at a time. I will not be embarrassed of something i can't control having. But I can control myself, my reactions to it. I'm doing the right thing talking medication even though they literally told me to quit taking them because I was more fun off of them. The old Ryan would have. The new Ryan doesn't give a shit what they think because the new Ryan is confident and doesn't take ignorance to heart and look at it as a reflection of myself. I look at it that people are still uncomfortable with the fact that I'm not uncomfortable. That's on them.

Ignorance and stigma are still very real and very alive in our society. The difference is I don't let it affect me or define me as a person anymore. I have taken the right steps and I've stuck with it. Being bipolar isn't something I asked for but I refuse to let it be my label so in that note....

I'm NOT bipolar- I HAVE bipolar
R. M. Sully

A Much Needed Break

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written but i took a much needed break fir awhile. September was full of stress and anxiety and it all added up to me disappearing for awhile.

Don't get me wrong, September wasn't a bad month but i had to get out of my comfort zone a few times and it was harder than i thought it would be. I was the lived experience speaker for Beacon for Hope at the walk held at Jones Park here in Emporia, KS. It was truly an honor to be a part of that but i wasn't expecting the flood of emotions that surfaced while trying to give my talk. I had a 15 minute talk planned and I'm not sure i made it to 5. The support of my family, friends and community still overwhelm me with how accepting and open-armed they are.

So i went charging ahead and did another thing completely out of my comfort level and that was to not only go out of state but to encounter the airport as well. I got on a plane and flew to Denver, Colorado.

I don't know if you've ever been in the airport at Denver but it's like walking Emporia on foot inside a building sizewise. People everywhere, loud and constant commotion. Sensory overload to say the least but i did it. I took the trip so i could do some photography and i wasn't disappointed. The beauty there and the surrounding cities is breathtaking. I will definitely go back.

I think all the excitement took a toll though. I battled a bout of depression last week that lasted a few days but seemed like a lifetime. I eventually shut myself in the house Saturday and Sunday and didn't leave. I ordered pizza so i wouldn't have to leave my house and i slept or attempted to watch movies. I didn't have the attention span or care to journal or read...both things i love to do.

This week has been much better. I feel like myself again and I've made plans with Sarah Sunshine for Saturday and I'm looking forward to a day full of laughing and goofing off. A much needed day of that i must admit.

It sucks going thru the down sides of bipolar but the positive thing for me is i know it's not forever. It feels like forever when I'm going thru it but in the back of my mind i tell myself this too will pass. I try not to dwell on the negative but look forward to when I'll be myself again. I use to let it consume me and i think that lead to my downs lasting longer and negativity to really get it's claws in me. I'm not downplaying how hard bipolar or depression can be at all so please don't get me wrong. I know there's people that constantly struggle and my heart goes out you. I've been lucky enough to finally find a med guy that has me on the right meds at the right dosage and that has helped tremendously. It feels like i was lucky enough to find the needle in the haystack.

So the last month was stressful and out of my comfort zone but do i regret it? Not one bit. I'd do it all over again if given the choice.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

100 mph With Zero Reason To Look Back

I'm content. I like where I'm at in life. Do you know how long it's been to truly and honestly say that? Me either...guess it's been awhile.

Last Saturday Beacon for Hope held its annual walk and I was the lived experience speaker. I was honored to be asked to speak as well as be on the board. I've talked on the radio with Melissa but i had never faced over 100 people and told my story. It was harder than i thought it would be. It brought up feelings i hadn't faced in awhile. I felt guilty to be alive in front of those who's loved ones are no longer there. I felt proud to hold my head high and be proud of who i am and not embarrassed. It was a good day.

I saw my med guy again and he is amazing. He upped my dosage and i was nervous but honestly i feel great. I thought i already felt great but once again I'm pleasantly surprised. Look at me liking my medication. Not sure that's ever happened.

I go to therapy today and I'm looking forward to seeing Joey. She's awesome at what she does and helps me more than she'll ever take credit for. I think she's helped me become a better person and given me some methods to my madness that keeps me from feeling completely crazy.

I'm single and that's the best place for me to be. I'm actually enjoying being on my own schedule and working thru things without having to worry if I'm bothering someone else. It's allowed me to focus on my medications and moods and if those aren't in check then I'm not in a good place for a relationship anyway.

So i guess life is good. Is it all rainbows and unicorns? Absolutely not but it would be boring if it was. So if you have something bothering you-talk. Talk, talk and talk some more. It really does get easier the more you talk. It has helped me tremendously to realize it's not a sign of weakness to ask for help and to talk. In my opinion it takes a strong person to admit that and i know to those reading these words that you are a strong person so go on and ask, talk, get help so that you can in turn help someone else in their time of need and be with everyone that loves you. Because they do.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Episode

I sit
I think
I hate
I love
None of
Them
Wrong
Maybe some
Of them right
Agree
Disagree
Judge
Accept

Make you
Uncomfortable
Good
Make you think
Make you reflect
Good
Easier to
Explain
Me
Away
So you
Don't look
Inside

I battle
Enough
To concern myself
With
Your baggage
I've checked
My baggage
And can't
Carry anymore
Enough
To last
A
Lifetime

So you deal
With
Yours
And I'll
Continue
To
Carry
Mine
For
Miles
Until a
Lifetime
Is over

Quit Calling It An Episode

Have your feelings ever been explained away or not validated? Ever had a genuine reason to be mad, angry, sad-pretty much any emotion but because you're bipolar it's not valid?

I get this all the time and it frustrates me to no end. Just because I'm bipolar dis not mean that my emotions are invalid and a byproduct of it. I am allowed to cycle my emotions just like you or the next person.

I am a very blunt and honest person and I've come to believe that makes people that aren't that way uncomfortable so it's easier to explain me off than to justify what I'm saying. So though i deal with my burdens i am now expected to take yours on as well. How is that fair?

Don't get me wrong, i have family and friends that allow me to be me but it's the ones that don't that frustrate me. I admit when I'm having an 'episode' for lack of a better word but I'm also human. There's a reason my tag line is I'm NOT bipolar- I HAVE bipolar. It didn't define me as a person and it sure as hell doesn't define my emotions.

I have learned to reach out when I'm struggling. I have learned that i do have bipolar induced emotions but how unfair to put me in a category that 100% explains me away. If i feel wronged then i will voice it, if I'm sad i will voice it and guys what- has nothing to do with bipolar but everything with being human.

I don't need to be educated in how my behavior effects myself or those around me because i live it everyday. I don't need people that has zero experience being bipolar telling me what I've done wrong but maybe how I've started doing what's right. Criticism can be pretty constructive but also debilitating and counterproductive if not based in concern or for the right reasons.

Ever heard walk a mile in my shoes? Of course you have and until you experience what i do, you can keep your destructive opinions and episode naming to yourself. I'm not trying to be mean or accusatory. Why i even had to put that disclaimer in frustrates me but it's the nature of the beast.

My wish is maybe you'll sore compassion to things you don't understand and make you uncomfortable. My wish is that you'll ask yourself why that makes you uncomfortable. That maybe you'll imagine walking a mile in my shoes. My 'episode' of ranting is done. Singe of you are uncomfortable and thankful and done of you are thankful for me finally voicing my frustration- I'm here for both of you- all i ask is you be here for me as well.

I'M NOT BIPOLAR-I HAVE BIPOLAR
R. M. Sully

Meds Are My Friend

I tell you what, my title says it all. I started these meds a couple of weeks or so ago and i have to admit I'm a huge fan. Yeah you heard me right. I love my meds.

I met with a new guy in Wichita for my medication and he's like a breath of fresh air. He listened to me. Actually listened and cared what i had to say. If i had been on a med and didn't like it, it was of the table. He talked to me not at me and there's a HUGE difference. He took into consideration my concerns or opinions instead of being concerned about how important and smart he is.

So i guess what I'm saying is I'm on my meds and staying on my meds so far. They make me feel leveled out without feeling dumbed down or tired. I am more productive because i actually have an attention span now which is new to me. I still have anxiety at times and get sensory overload which makes me irritable but the good far outweighs the bad.

My niece got married this weekend and the constant here and there wore on me because of it being in Kansas City and having to drive in the traffic so i was stressed every time i got somewhere. I walked out of a store even though i needed the things in my hand just because i felt like everyone was in my personal space and staying at me. I'm not sure I'll ever get over that but being at her beautiful wedding was well worth it all.

So all in all I'm a happy man and it took me a long time but I'm finally on the right combination of meds and i feel fantastic!! Life is good and i don't sweat the small stuff and staying positive. What else can i ask for?

Gray

Madness and
Chaos
Don't mind
The and
Hate the
BUT
In life
Always
A statement.
BUT
Interjects
With what you don't
Want to hear

Always
A beginning
BUT
Always an end
Tell me
Your story
So i can
Feel
Good
About myself
Let me
Experience
Normal

Sit in a crowd
So i feel
I belong
Don't talk
And ruin
It
Let me have
One moment
Of
Belonging
Before
Reality
Sets in

I smile
Because i heard
Something
Yet can't
Relate
Smile so i
Don't talk
And ruin
Your moment
Of ignorant
Bliss
Congratulations
On not knowing

So i walk
Thru ignorance
Trying to
Understand
BUT
Feel anger
Boil
Black and white
Mixed right
Make gray
Yet so uncomfortable
To break
The norm

I don't
Envy
Materialistic
Things
I envy
Ignorant
Bliss
I envy
Not having
To analyze
Every
Spoken
Word

So i will
Sit
And try
To keep
Black
On one side
And 

White
On the other
So
I
Can
Belong

Why Do I Do This?

So i drank Friday night because, you know, I'm pretty successful at being a social drinker and it carried into Saturday and Sunday. It's called a bender and i bent until i broke. So why do i do this?

I wish i had an answer to that question other than I'm an alcoholic that prefers to self-medicate than swallow tiny pills that i didn't even give a chance to work.

I'm seeing a new guy for my meds and he's amazing. I was super excited after meeting with him on Wednesday and felt that i had finally made a proactive decision towards getting a handle on my bipolar and instead i sabotaged my own good decision. I even said i wasn't going to drink on Friday but that's exactly what i did so then i couldn't take my meds. So i stressed out which led to the extracurricular auditory i deal with so my answer to that was i can't take my pills so I'll drink more. I don't have good logic on a sober day so it was out the window Saturday morning. Same with Sunday. I finally decided i wasn't doing this today. Not today. I'm better than this.

So I'm sober and I'm going back on my meds. I started them late last night after the booze had worn off because i told myself on meds equals no drinking and i confirmed that decision today by not drinking. Tomorrow is a new day that i can make that decision but I'm focused on today and i chose not to drink. I'm proud of myself. It may not seem like a big deal to some but it's huge to me. I said no. I said I'm better than this and i proved it by not drinking. I made that decision and I'm glad i did. My daughter, Corynne, told me i was a good man and i showed today that she's telling the truth. Damn right I'm proud of that.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Still Alive

I look back
Hate what i see
Why am i alive?
What purpose
Do i serve?
Questions
To the point
Of insanity
Or did i have
To be
Sane
In the first place?

Questions
Answer my
Questions
Rationalize
My emotions
With guilt
And shame
A mixture
Better mixed
With red
And
Red
Alone

I want my
Physical pain
To match
My emotions
And then feel
It all
Pour
To an
End
So tired
Of being
This
Tired

I'm writing
So I'm
Living
Still breathing
Still fighting
Exhausted
To the point
Of being
Void
Of emotions
But
Still
Alive

Being bipolar isn't always an every day struggle but when it is it's exhausting. This poem was written during one of my lows. It shows the emotions felt behind the battle with myself. The battle of wanting everything to be gone but still sticking around. Needing to stick around.

Suicide is a touchy subject. It makes people uncomfortable. It offends, it hurts, it angers, it seems irrational. But what you forget is I'm describing emotions felt by those not contemplating or following thru with suicide.

I'm not in a bad place but it's time we talked about suicide. Let's get uncomfortable because like it or not it's real and it's not going away even if we ignore it. I personally have contemplated and attempted suicide. Is that hard to say? Absolutely. My family, my kids, my girlfriend, my friends all read this. People I've never met read this.

What isn't uncomfortable is I'm a survivor and as a survivor i believe it is my duty to help and talk about it and make it real and spread a message of hope. I hope if you're reading this and are thinking it's not worth sticking around, give it another day. I'm not being condescending I'm just telling you what i tell myself now. One more day. Then repeat if necessary.

I encourage all of us to be more understanding and compassionate. I encourage all of us being that ear that listens or that shoulder to cry on. I encourage all of us to get educated on the subject because it isn't going away and you never know who it may affect in your life including yourself no matter how improbable that seems today. Reach out, get out of your comfort zone and love. Let's get rid of stigma.

If you're struggling please reach out to someone because I'd like to see you give it one more day. Call, text, email someone- whatever it takes to see tomorrow.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Manic

I can
Do anything
Flying high
No lows
Top of the
World
Manic
Controlled chaos
Or uncontrolled
Stability
Makes no sense
But I've never
Had more clarity

I can taste
Colors
And feel
Words
I can solve
Life's equations
I can write
Epic poems
While living
A
Life
Worthy
Of being documented

I'm all important
I'm big words
In a small town
Or so
I think
Maybe that's a
Joke
But i think
Not at the time
While thinking how
Embarrassed
I'll eventually be

It doesn't last
Like all
Good things
It comes to
An end
Deal with the
Damage
The idiot
Inside the
Manic me
That's always
Fighting
To stay

Fear

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whetherthe threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

I love this definition because of the real or imagined. That imagined part plays a big part in my bipolar so this definition describes the word 'fear' to a tee for me. It encompasses the word entirely.

Cause fear in itself
Will reel you in and spit you out
Over and over again
Believe in yourself
And you will walk
Now, fear in itself
Will use you up and break you down
Like you were never enough
Yeah, I used to fall, now I get back up
-credit Fear by Blue October

The song Fear by Blue October is a powerful song that moves mountains within me every single time i listen to it. Fear has kept me from doing so many things or to fall but i like the part where it says now i get back up.

So fear has crippled me many times- real or imagined. Fear has led to crippling alcoholism that i still struggle with every single day of my life. Fear use to allow me to refuse to admit that i had a problem in the first place. Everyone from my mom and brother to Julie and my friends that bartend like Vanessa and Tiffany that have refused to serve me have helped with that along the way. Fear kept me from being able to say no. Fear of being sober and facing whatever problem of the day seemed too much and these people have helped many times. My friend Stacy is like a rock to me, always encouraging and never judging but always there to cheer me on and keep me from guilting myself to death. I could name so many people and that makes me a lucky man.

Fear of failing keeps me from accomplishing goals. I have an issue with perfectionism. If it can't be perfect, then i can't do it. I've started projects and then not finished them because they weren't turning out perfect so i can't do it because i stress out. I almost ripped up my mom's wood floor because i saw what i considered an imperfection. Mom couldn't see it. Nobody could see it but i could and i couldn't handle it. Somebody else had to finish the last part of the job. That's part of why i can't be self-employed anymore. It manifested in every job i was doing and really started to become an issue. I've lost friends that i worked for because of it. Enough was enough.

Imagined fear has strained friendships, my family relations and relationships. I didn't talk to my brother for over a year because i thought he said something he didn't. I didn't talk to my mom for a few months because i feared she was trying to take control of my life and was embarrassed of me. I left Julie because i thought she was angry with me. All imagined fears. I fear that my family wants me locked up. They want me in an institution. Is this all the time? Nope. But when paranoia sets in so do those feelings and fears. I fear the FBI in the same way. My bipolar mania has dealt with them and that was awesome let me tell you. Don't email the FBI to quit following you-they take that very seriously. They will alert the police, sheriff's department, courthouse and family just to name a few. Yup.

So fear can be crippling but getting back up can be liberating. It can be a victory. Chalk it up as a win. I've always been lucky to have a great support system. So talk to someone, anyone. Don't let fear keto you down or beat you down. Don't let it lock your door and throw away the key. You can win this battle. Stand up one leg at a time until it gets easier!! I support you!

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Who Knew?

So I've actually started watching YouTube videos of people with bipolar and doing a little research and it's amazing how many similarities there are. Who knew?

It's a good feeling listening to someone else say they do certain things or experience certain things that i do. It's comforting. There's comfort in knowing I'm not alone. I watched a guy that was filmed while having a manic episode that wouldn't take his sunglasses off because people could look into his soul if they looked into his eyes. Yup sounds crazy but i have fine the same thing. I remember sitting in a session with my counselor Greg saying the same thing refusing to take my sunglasses off. I still have a thing with looking into people's eyes. I feel like i can see their past and secrets and it freaks me out and i don't want them to be able to do the same. I've told vey few people about this and they've all pretty much been on my 'team' of professionals trying to help me. But I'm done being embarrassed of who i am and what i experience.

Yesterday Julie and I went shopping and i went to the grocery store next door while she finished up so i could grab some stuff for my coffee. On the way back to the car, i got to see a 'demon' and it's a good feeling to smile back instead of having that feeling that I'm crazy and wanting to run. Is it like that all the time? No but i appreciate it when it is.

I have a serious problem with preachers. I hate even writing that but i do. I had a horrible experience with one when i was in rehab and i still to this day have a horrible time not feeling like they're evil. Sinister. They're going to hurt me. I made myself have lunch a few months back with one and i was able to do it but it was hard. I told myself it's not his fault i have this weird tick but I'm not sure i could ever ever ever be alone with one. I have no idea why my bipolar brain picked preachers but it's real to me and I'm still working on it and have been for years.

I feel myself going manic and I've been taking my pills every single day. I think that's why I'm able to talk about some of this stuff today. I feel euphoric and that someone is going to read this and that it will be some ground-breaking stuff. That I'm going to be invited to speak all over the place because my insight into bipolar is way beyond what anyone has ever heard before. I'm kind of a big deal in case you didn't know. Knowing that is coming on I'm shall writing now before i really get full of myself and write stupid shit that I'll be embarrassed of later.

I love me some manic. I slept forever last night into this morning and i think my brain knew this was coming and gave me some rest before the storm. This is where i get confused on why i swallow pills everyday because this isn't suppose to happen, right? This is what they're trying to take from me but just can't seem to get it accomplished. So what's the point? Right now I'm telling myself I'm doing it for those i love on my life because i don't want to for myself this morning. So I'm going to go swallow my pills real quick and I'll be back.

Ok pills have been swallowed so you are welcome for me doing that for you. It's all about making those around me comfortable so if doing that accomplished that then so be it. I would've lied about taking them if i waited any longer so how's that for brutal honesty? I don't take them until later and so now I'm off my schedule and routine and we all know how that makes my world go around so if you don't believe how serious i am about getting better then there's no convincing you and i don't feel i need to be around you.

So I've started another short story and i think it'll be well-received. I have some ideas for more poetry. I've got a lot of ideas right now that i would like to do. I want a food truck. I've talked to my mom, brother and Julie about this. Probably a good thing i don't have the funds to buy one now or i would have one by the end of the day guaranteed. Buy now think about it later. Nothing ever goes wrong with that mentality. I think about things that happened in the past i could make right if i just talked to them right now. As in now. Immediately. Drive to Eudora and talk to Elvis. Drive to Wichita and talk to my kids and others involved with them and hash things out and we all get along. Go have coffee in Olathe with my brother and tell him all these amazing ideas i have and listen to him tell me his mind is blown. Which won't happen because he's good at talking me down and i don't want that right now. So on i ramble.

Maybe you're tired of my rambling? Fair enough because i have things to put on paper. So I've shared this part of me for once. Not the post craziness but the live version so yeah. Never thought i would. Who knew?

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

If I Lay Here...Oh Look A Squirrel

So I have a problem with sitting still. I can't focus on one thing for very long before i start getting nervous and need to move onto something else.

I love to journal but i can't do it for long stretches at a time. I have four separate notebooks and each has its own purpose and i have to carry all of them with me so that when i get bored journaling then i can work on my short story notebook and then move to my poetry notebook, etc and that may be in a span of 15 minutes that I've written in all three and then I'm back to my journal. I'll then try to read and may get thru 4 or 5 pages before i can't focus and then I'm back to my notebooks routine.

I love movies but it's very rare that I'm actually 100% focused on the movie. I will journal or pace while it's playing because i can't sit still long enough. My brain is going and I'll remember something i wanted to do so off i go. I love reading but can't stay focused. I love journaling and writing but trail off. I have started my second short story and have it all worked out from start to finish but after i write a paragraph, all focus is gone and I'm off to do something else.

I'm a gamer on Xbox but I'm playing 5 games right now because i can only play the same one for about 15-30 minutes before i can't focus on it anymore and need stimulation from something different. So i have multiple ones i will play in the span of an hour.

I don't remember it always being this way. I could read, journal, write and game for hours. I was frustrated if i had to stop doing those things and now I'm frustrated because i CAN'T do those things even though i want to badly. I know i frustrate Julie and those around me when I'm fidgety and pace and constantly need to be on the go but the frustration in my head and with myself is a million times worse. It's a horrible feeling not being able to focus when all i want to do is focus.

I know ADD, ADHD and the adult versions are over-diagnosed but so is bipolar and i definitely have that. What keeps me from seeking help with my issue? It'll mean another pill i have to swallow. Yup. That's it. Makes perfect sense, right? Deal with extreme frustration and irritability because i don't want to swallow one more pill. Plus I'll have to be a guinea pig for medication until they find the right one that works and that frustrates me. Hell you're probably wondering what doesn't frustrate me at this point and good question because sometimes i wonder myself.

If I'm going to be real honest i don't want to add another diagnosis to the list of descriptors of my mental health. Bilpolar, schizzo-affective, acute anxiety and whatever they want to disgnose this as. I don't like it. I may own my bipolar and everything rise but i still struggle with the label.

There's more i can write but I'm already running out of patience writing this. Why do you think my blogs are so short? So I'll continue this topic in my next blog as it needs to be addressed and I'll let you know what i decided to do about it. Until then...oh look! There's a squirrel!

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

In Case You Didn't Know

As you all know, Julie had started blogging about her experience dealing with my bipolar as my significant other and her perspective from the outside looking in. I love that she's doing that.

I love that she's doing that because it has helped me in many ways. She asks tons of questions from a place of wanting to understand and help. I feel very comfortable talking to her about what I'm feeling and will answer anything she throws my way.

I'm able to do that because she makes me feel safe and she doesn't judge. I'm at a point of in case you didn't know...I am feeling like this. She also holds me accountable. Instead of being upset and saying nothing, i tell her what has my anxiety peaked, why my frustration may seem unwarranted but isn't to me. Yes it may take some well-placed questions at times from her but i am talking.

I get scared and i can admit that. It's scary to tell someone what goes on in your head sometimes when you have bipolar. It's scary to have someone reassure you that something didn't happen, even though you swear it did. It's scary to let someone in on 100% of your life without worrying that they're going to run screaming or tell me to take a flying leap.

So this is new to me but I'm digging it. It gets less scary and intrusive each day. Yes it feels intrusive to me because bipolar has been mine for so many years that i feel like I'm being peeled like a potato talking about it intimately. I can talk about it in general to everyone else but this is someone I'm sharing my life with. Someone whose opinion means everything to me. Someone that i don't want to leave. Someone that is someone to me. That scares the shit out of me but for once it's not going to control me and my happiness.

So in case you didn't know...thank you Julie. Everything you've done means the world to me. You mean the world to me❤

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

On the Outside Looking In

My girlfriend Julie came to me with an interesting idea and I'm really digging it. She, too, is a blogger and asked my permission to blog what it's like dating someone with bipolar. It's a no-brainer if you ask me...i said of course.

What i love is that she researches and researches bipolar. She listens to YouTube videos of people with bipolar, psychiatrists, etc so that she might gain a little more understanding of what I'm experiencing or going thru. She's ordered two books on bipolar. She asks me questions on if certain things pertain to me and how if yes or what is different if no.

The questions were hard at first for me to answer. I'm use to people asking out of morbid curiosity or as a way to hold it against me. I honestly felt like she didn't have a right to know at first because it's mine. But the more i realized she genuinely cared and wanted to know so that our relationship could A last and B be fulfilling for both of us, my responses came easier and easier.

It feels nice to have someone care so much that they are willing to learn everything about you but also scary as hell. It's nice to have someone understand yet stand their ground when i feel like being an asshole because I'm struggling with meds or the lows or I'm manic, self-medicating, disappearing whether physically or mentally. It's nice having the confidence that she's still going to be there helping me along the way. I've dealt with bipolar for over 20 years and I'm still learning but I've found someone that is willing to learn right along with me.

It's not every day that someone comes into your life and makes things better or makes you strive to be a better person. Some of you have been with me on this journey since my first blog and have seen my ups and downs. What i thought i wanted versus what I've needed. Trying to control every little detail of my life while losing complete control of everything. It feels good to be in a good place. It feels good to say that. It feels good to be me.

So go check out hellandbackwithstyle.blogspot.com and you can follow her personal journey and struggles along with us now as a couple and her perspective of dealing with my bipolar. We may eventually do a blog together but it's all baby steps at this point so stay tuned and I'll keep you posted. Now go read her blog.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Emotions

Let me say that no i am not in a bad place but this poem describes my train of thought when i am. A glimpse of the bad side of bipolar...

Destroyer of lives
Why my purpose?
Let me die
Punishment is life
Witness my destruction
Let me die
Forced to live
Don't want to breathe
Lungs fill anyway
Heart is dead
Was it ever alive?
Let me die
Still here

Burn everything
To the ground
Nothing left
But black
Yet i walk
Still wondering
Why
Am i still here?
Let me die
Forced to walk
One foot
Still going
In front of the other

I see no future
Only the past
And regretd
Pump thru
My veins
Sustaining life
Let me die
A life
Not worth living
Yet here
I am
Let me die
Still here

Sleep Has Left the Building

Another night of waking up at 1 in the morning with way too much energy zero need for more sleep. I go to med clinic on Wednesday so maybe they'll get this figured out. I'm trying to keep an open mind and not get frustrated. I feel manic but it's not the fun kind it's more the med-induced kind. Big difference.

Some good news and something I'm proud of is I've been asked to be on the Board of Directors for Beacon for Hope and i have accepted and am honored. What a powerful organization that is making a difference in Emporia and am thankful to get to aide Melissa Kurtenbach and the rest of the board in any way possible. I'll be the lived experience speaker September 15th at Jones Park for the walk which still blows my mind. She has also humbled me beyond words by having artists paint their interpretations of my poetry and having it published as a book to be available at functions. I have not enough words in my vocabulary to express my gratitude and admiration for her and this organization.

So obviously good things are happening in my life and it feels good. I was getting down because i have a hernia and will be having surgery which means I'll be confined to bed and not getting out. I was upset but needed to start looking at the positives in my life. I have two amazing daughters and a son, i have Julie and her two kids that put a smile on my face every day, i have a mom that supports me beyond what any mom should be expected to. I have a big brother and sis-in-law that love me unconditionally and two neices that i adore beyond words. I have a lot to be thankful for.

It's easy to get caught up in the negative, especially in the wee hours of morning when it's me, myself and I keeping each other company. Negativity can become addictive and spreads like wildfire if allowed to. I'm learning to extinguish that crap. Meds are helping along with a great support system. I no longer try to do this on my own. I talk about what I'm feeling and how I'm feeling. I reach out. I don't keep people in the dark or push them away as hard anymore. Julie has been a huge help with that...but it was a struggle. She didn't give up and I'm forever grateful for that.

So my challenge to you is to talk. Just talk. If something is bothering you- reach out. If you're depressed-ask for help. If you think life isn't worth living anymore then i beg you to realize you are important, special, loved and your life is worth saving. Get in touch with Beacon for Hope and they can give you all available resources. Call 800-273-TALK. Fight and keep fighting.

800-273-TALK

Beacon for Hope

Keep fighting the fight and realize you are not alone. Regardless of what you think YOU are NOT ALONE!!

Have a great week everyone and think of one positive thing in your life and let it grow from there.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings

I haven't decided if I'm fine with this piece yet out not....

I feel your love
While you
Fill me
With your hate
A
Burden i try
To carry
On broad
Shoulders
To ease
To take
To calm
Your pain
While masking mine

Avoidance
Eases all
Things
Until it
Doesn't
Talk to mr
I can't
I won't
I will
Because
I must
To stay
Sane
Whatever that is.

Sitting Idle Isn't My Cup of Tea

So i ended up with a hernia and now i get to sit at home for over a month until i have surgery and heal. I'm not happy about it. At all. Not one bit.

My biggest struggle is going to be boredom as boredom in the past has led to drinking. It's a time and boredom killer for me. I can find any excuse to drink but being idle really doesn't help. Knowing this helps. Having a good support system helps. Being pro-active helps.

Not feeling productive leads to irritation and a bad attitude which leads to the temper i try so desperately to remain control over. I need to keep in mind this is no one's fault around me so don't take it out on them.

I'm not a patient person and I'm sure you find that hard to believe but I'm not. No really I'm not. At all. That's going to be another hard one for me. To be honest about my recovery and how I'm feeling instead of worrying about getting back to the grind. Yikes.

So I'm hoping knowing all these things that i can stay healthy in mind, body and spirit. That i can take one day at a time and let things fall into place. Not to try to control the situation and get back to 100%. I will if I'll allow it...hey i can control something in a positive way for once. I'm going to control my giving up control. Look at me turning into a big boy.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Things Fall Into Place

I'm sitting here watching a camp fire with a hot cup of coffee in hand and life is good. Life is good. Man it feels good to say that.

I have a great relationship with my girls, Ashlyn and Corynne and want to work on having a great relationship with my son, Braden. I have an amazing woman, Julie and her two kids in my life. I have family like my mom and brother and sis. I have Sarah who might as well be my sister, Stacy...friends that are so much more. My friends are my family and that's a great feeling to be that close to people that aren't blood but you wouldn't know the difference.

The point I'm making is once again i can list amazing things in my life. Things that, when I'm feeling down, can bring me back up. I am truly blessed. My meds are starting to level out and that's a great feeling. I almost have a week of sobriety under my belt and for those of you that know me, that is an accomplishment. I'm proud of that fact.

It's crazy how i have all of these good things happening because i finally let go and let things fall into place. I control and control and control yet can't figure out why everything is completely out of control. It's madness but i think my life gets so out of control that i must control something. Myself. That's all i can control and I'm still struggling with that but it's true. All i can control is myself.

So I'm learning to let go and let things keep falling into place. It's working out great so far so maybe there's something to it. Who knew? I'd write more but i have breakfast to cook, an amazing woman to talk to and a lake to enjoy. Enjoy your weekend everyone.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Patience Is Not My Virtue

So I started my meds again as i said before and now it's 2:30 in the morning and I'm awake. I forgot how this happens. Slept for a couple of hours and then my brain decided that was enough so let's get going at 11 at night. Because that's a perfect time to be awake i suppose.

Don't get me wrong, insomnia and i are dear friends. I don't mind it at all when I'm manic because I'm able to function on next to no sleep. I almost thrive on it but I don't feel manic right now i just feel exhausted. I tried all the tricks everyone had told me about to relax and fall asleep...not happening.

I have no-one to blame but myself. I know this happens when i decide to get off of my meds for awhile and then start back up. Still doesn't stop me from doing it. Because I'll do what i want. Pretty sound logic, right?

So now i have to be patient all over again waiting for everything to level out and i am not a patient person. I want to take them the first day and i miraculously feel better. Instant gratification is what I'm after and let me tell you that is the farthest from the truth with my medication. So I'm going thru the process for what seems the millionth time of levelling myself out and getting back on track. I would like to say for the last time but hey I'm notorious for doing this the hard way.

So I'm writing this blog for myself so that next time i decide that I'm cured and don't need my meds anymore maybe I'll read this and give it one more day. One more day may be all it takes to realize I'm not cured and maybe it's a good idea to stay on them. One can hope anyway.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Positive Positive Positive

A day of sobriety in the books, a belly full of food and a roof over my head. It's as simple as that to think positive.

Life doesn't always go the way I think it should. Hell most of the time it doesn't go the way i have it worked out in my head. I let that frustrate me. I plan days out in advance and all that does is set myself up for failure. So basically I'm frustrating myself with unrealistic expectations. I know this and I'm working on it.

I started my medications again this morning. Thought of a million reasons why i shouldn't but all that matters is i popped the tops of my med bottles instead of beer cans and down the hatch they went. I felt out of it all day. Felt tired. But I'll do it again tomorrow because eventually that will wear off and I'll maybe act like an ass a little less while controlling myself a little more. One can hope anyway.

Being bipolar isn't easy. Its a full time job that you get to take home with you 24/7/365. It's exhausting, exhilarating, consuming, depressing, torturous excitement that never stops it's just a matter of which 'me' is showing up today. It's not easy on those around me for those very same reasons. There's a reason i have a small group of friends i hang out with. There's a reason I'm not dating anyone. Not many people can handle my fun little bundle of crazy and I'm fine with that because my small group of amazing friends i have, i wouldn't trade for the world.

I'll eventually get control of myself again and I'm on the right track. Sometimes i forget that the track is oval and i start running through the football field yelling we're streaking but i seem to be the only one naked. You get my point. I get off track sometimes. I start convincing myself I'm the first cured bipolar person in the history of bipolar that can quit his meds and everything else and everything is going to be just fine. And it is. For awhile. Then holy Hell there goes Ryan look at him go running through the football field again. I need to stay positive. Focus on the positive. Live positive. Positive Positive Positive. It's honestly as simple as that. Why do i insist on making it so difficult? Oh yeah, i forgot, i have bipolar. Stay positive everyone.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

The Wagon

So i have had a constant struggle with alcohol. I get on the wagon, convince myself after a period of time that i can be a social drinker and then the slow spiral into full blown drinking begins. This time i convinced myself if i don't drink liquor then I'll be ok. And i was. For awhile.

I don't like my meds so i self-medicate with alcohol. It slows my mind down and i feel relaxed. Until i cross that line in the sand. Then it turns into Ricky time. Ricky is what my friends call me when i go from easy going Ryan into full-blown douche mode. I obsess on things and when something that irritates happens and i add alcohol to the mix, it magnifies it by about a million. Not good

I'm not sure why i convince myself time and again that i can handle alcohol because i prove time and again that i cannot. I think it irritates me that i can't so I'm bound and determined to prove that i can. The ol definition of insanity ring a bell? So I'm getting on the wagon again. The key is not falling off and i just haven't quite mastered that part yet.

I've proven time and time again that i can have fun without it. I honestly have a better time. I don't like feeling odd man out i guess. I have plenty of friends that can handle it 100% of the time. I am not one of them.

Why So Serious?

I'm back. I was back the other day but my entire story disappeared so i had to let the frustration settle before i wrote it again.

I don't like serious, in-depth conversations that need to get all touchy feely and explain why i act a certain ways towards situations. I don't want to talk about how I'm feeling or why I'm feeling the way i do. When those conversations start, i clam up and think of anywhere else I'd rather be.

First of all, I'm still trying to get past my thinking that it's a sign of weakness to admit anything to anyone. I've told the town on radio and blog I'm bipolar so i feel like I'm making progress. Huge strides in fact. It's at my pace and this is a marathon so I'm not rushing into everything at once.

Second is i don't like giving people things they can use against me. Today it's understanding, tomorrow it's a gun loaded with your words pointed at your head. Nah...no thank you. No really, i appreciate your concern but i think im going to have to pass.

I struggle with bottling things (obviously) still and blowing up when it's finally full. I still try to think before i speak because i know i can be callous. I can be hurtful. I don't want to be but it's my gut reaction as bad as i hate to admit that. Anger is my gut reaction. I get angry and guess what? You're so pissed at me that suddenly you don't want to discuss things anymore. Mission accomplished and count it as a win.

My advice. I know that's funny but I'm great at giving it just don't expect me to follow it. Seriously, my advice I'd learn to talk. Take each person as an individual instead of lumping them in with all the ghosts of your past. Never put the cap on that internal bottle so that it can't build pressure and can slowly let the crap out as it gets full. It's hard, i know. There's a reason i go to therapy on Fridays. There's a reason I talk about my bipolar.

I'm still a work in progress and as long as i know that then I'll never stop moving forward and I'll never quit trying to make myself a better person. Enjoy your Sunday everyone.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Gotta Keep Those Running Shoes On

So i don't listen to country and I'm sure that's a big shocker to those that know me. Not really. I'm a crank the volume and bang your head kind of guy. I want my neighbors to know that Godsmack is in the house and they will learn to appreciate them too and that Slipknot will be visiting asking with all their friends. You get my point.

So i happened to hear this song "We Break Up In the End" and for some reason i didn't tune out the twangy irritation i usually get in my earlobes and actually listened to the words and was amazed. Someone actually wrote a real song about how relationships go. You date, you let your gaurd down eventually and then realize you just break up in the end.

I have a hard time getting out of that mindset. I'm a cup is half full kind of guy until someone wants something emotional from me then i shut down and the glass becomes half empty. It's going to end anyway so why pot in the effort? I battle with myself and this logic but it has always ended and mostly by me because, well, it was going to end anyways, right?

So i keep those running shoes laced up so i can bolt at a moment's notice but i need to stop. I've trained myself for so long in that sprint that it seems natural now. I'm a constant work in progress but this one is tough. Really tough.

So I'm working on this so i don't miss out on a good thing. So i don't project my past on the future. On the flip side I'm not trying to be a fortune teller and deciding how the future is going to go and shutting people out because i just know it's going to come to an end. Maybe I'll put flip flops on today because nobody can sprint in flip flops.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Emotions Anonymous Style

I have a friend that is a talented poet and gave me permission to post this as long they remain anonymous so please enjoy

Blue and Yellow

To follow that rainbow
Means to give up your own colors
But then somehow, those colors
becomes yours again.

Yours but not really yours
Yours that you have to share
And sharing doesn’t come easily.

Sharing is something that you don’t really know

Like, you don’t know if you are going to like it or not.

Like, you want to like Macaroni and cheese, but you know some how, they’ve slipped broccoli in it.

But you love broccoli.
You love broccoli so much you add cheese to it.
So much cheese it begins to not be green anymore.

But green was your favorite color.
So much green that you forgot that it was once yellow and blue.

Blue was the name of your first dog.
That dog was a rabid animal.

I'm Obsessed With Obsessing About Obsessing

I went mushroom hunting yesterday and being out in the country gave me that feeling of wanting to disappear. To drive with the sun on my face and never come back. I get that feeling a lot.

I get overwhelmed and the thought of taking off sounds great to the point i actually contemplate it and work out all of the pros and cons in my head. To bolt where nobody knows where i am and nobody knows who i am. It gives me the feeling right or wrong that i can have a clean slate and start over. I can be a new person. Someone that nobody knows the wrongs I've done, the life I've lived-my past.

Reality always sets in though that i can't run away from myself. I think that's what I'm trying to do above anything else and that's when it all comes crashing down that disappearing still won't work. All that baggage will still follow me because i know about it. I remember the past, i remember the wrongs, i remember the failures. Just can't seem to get away from that no matter how hard i try.

I need to let go of all of that and man have i tried. I punish myself over things that happened years ago. I fault myself for entire situations and get stuck hashing out if I'd done this or if I'd done that then this would've happened and boy look at where I'd be now. But i have no way of knowing that. I have no way of changing the past. I'm frustrated.

I want to control so badly that things get out of control yet i keep on trying. I refuse to give up that i can do everything and that i will make things go the way i want. The problem with that is there's too many variables to the equation called life. It's an unsolveable problem and my brain can't handle that.

So the struggle continues on being able to take life as it comes. To quit obsessing. To quit over thinking every little detail. I'm not sure if I'll ever win this battle but I'd settle for a tie at this point.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings

I felt your presence
But i couldn't say hi
Too soon
Too new
Too raw
Too many things
But ready isn't one
Of them
I feel weak
But strong
An oxymoron
Why do i care?
I pride myself
In not feeling
Yet here i am
I feel like
I can't
But i know i can.
Right?
Wrong
I have to stop
But that means
I'm done
And i am
Until I'm not
Stop
Goodbye
Hello
Walk away
I can't turn back
So i walk
And i walk
Goodbye

Please Keep My Tab Open, I'm Going To Be Here Awhile

If you've ever been one to go to the bar and you pay with a card, they'll ask if you want to close it or keep it open. Of course the logical answer is to keep it open unless you're a one and done kind of person. Or i just had a huge problem with alcohol but we'll discuss that at another time.

I feel like my life has been like this. It's a double-edged sword at times but that's, well, life. The negative of that is when people can't or won't forgive things I've done. I'm not saying i blame them or fault them for it because i have done some terrible things in my life and maybe i don't deserve forgiveness but i don't like that feeling of the tab being left open. I don't like it being able to be added to. My nature wants it to be resolved and fixed but that's not fair to the person that hasn't been able to let go of it. There inlies the struggle.

The flip side is it still leaves room for healing and forgiveness. It leaves the tab open for my friends and family that make me feel like a person to keep helping me feel that way. It helps expand upon good things. Now that's an awesome open tab.

I think i need to learn to go ahead and close some of those tabs out. To just let go and focus on the ones that should remain open. The healthy and fulfilling one's. The productive ones. Easier said than done but it's a work in progress. So next time life asks if I'd like to keep this one open, i hope i have the courage and the knowledge to give the right answer.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings

Awake
Dreams linger
Even with eyes open
Thoughts racing
Don't want to think
Need sleep
But afraid to close my eyes
Because the movie begins again
Forced to push play
Even though i want
I need
It to stop
Reckless thoughts
Dangerous emotions
Confidence shattered
In the dark
Of night
Knowing the brightness
Of confidence
Is hours away
So I'll sleep
The restless
Anxieties
Of life
With hopes
The sun
Will bring
Calm

I Don't Deserve It But I'll Take It

I have so many memories climbing those stairs to my apartment while i work on my house. A lot bad but some good.

I remember getting this apartment for bad reasons. Reason. Plain and simple. I screwed up yet another relationship and now i was on my own. Didn't like it. That lead me to think of other things i didn't like about myself. Other relationships. 

Remember my best friend Elvis? Remember his wife Jill? Remember i was the best man at their wedding? Remeber i burned that bridge and friendship to the ground?

Guess who called me on Friday. Go ahead and guess. I heard Elvis on my phone for the first time in years call me brother. It shook me to my core. I couldn't talk. I wept. I seriously cried in front of people and didn't give a shit. Everything disappeared except for our conversation. I couldn't believe it.

I have ruined so many things in my life and some i care about and others i don't give a second thought but this is huge. This is something that got ruined and i legitimately knew i didn't like the outcome. I knew it was wrong when i was saying what i was saying but still said it. I knew it was beyond reconciling. Guess i don't know as much as i thought i did.

Once again I've been shown that the past is the past and i can't live there. I've been shown that everyone doesn't hold the past against me. Such a good feeling. Once again i don't deserve but I'll take it.

I constantly obsess over things and most, hell, 99% of them i can't change but that 1% makes it worth it. I use to think i knew what i wanted in life. I thought it was all planned out not too long ago. I've now learned, once again, that when i let go and let things happen the way they were suppose to instead of trying to control the outcome that amazing things happen. You know why? Because they were beyond my control. So i don't deserve this but I'll take it.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Is There An Off Switch For This Thing?

I really should be sleeping. I really want to be sleeping. I'm not sleeping. My brain won't shut down and i could really use an off switch about now.

This is the part of bipolar or obsessing or however you want to label it that might literally drive me crazy. It can start with the simplest thing like an idea i have for my house and then suddenly oh look a squirrel and I'm suddenly contemplating what it really meant that so and so said today and why was that person looking at me at church this morning? Do they know something about me? They don't know me so how could they? Ok damn it what do they know? Chill Ryan there's nothing to know so what's it matter? Damn it what do they know?

Once this train gets rolling it's really really hard to get it to stop. I will doze off but then I'll dream about it. Do you understand how exhausting that is? I will be thinking about it awake, fall asleep and dream about it and it just continues to roll when i open my eyes. Then i wonder if i was really asleep at all. I've taken medication before to sleep but that actually makes me more exhausted than putting up with this. If that's even possible, which it is.

I'm struggling to find the positive in this tonight except for the fact that i have come up with some pretty sweet ideas for my house which was my original intention. So I've been thinking of all the positive things that seem to keep coming each day while trying not to figure out what I've done to deserve them. I'm getting closer to accepting them AND feel deserving of them. Sometimes good things happen and I'm not going to ruin them by trying to figure out why. Look at me taking baby steps.

So I'm going to journal for a bit because putting thoughts on paper is therapeutic for me. Then I'll read if that doesn't clear my mind until the book hits me in the face because i dozed off. Don't judge me you know the same thing has happened to you. I don't require much sleep which is a blessing and a curse but definitely a blessing in this situation i suppose. So if you're up reading this right now this late at night-what's wrong with you? Don't you know you should be sleeping? Good luck and i hope you get some rest.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Sometimes Things Just Speak To Me

Now after i wrote that title i thought some people are going to be disappointed because I'm not talking about inanimate objects or animals speaking to me so hopefully you keep reading.

I'm talking about song lyrics or quotes like in Fight Club. I love Breaking Benjamin and one part in their song 'Failure' hits me every single time. 'Tired feeling lost, tired of letting go'. Such a short verse in the song but it really makes me think. I still feel lost at times and I've let go of a lot in my life. Some things needed let go of but others i should've held onto tighter.

I'm an obsessor. Is that a word? If it isn't it is now because i just used it in a sentence. I like to ponder over things over and over and over again so that maybe i can learn where it went wrong and i won't make the same mistake again. This is with anything. My brain is constantly going over things and it can become quite maddening at times.

Tired of feeling lost- we've all felt that way at one time haven't we? Please say yes so that i don't feel awkward. There's been times in my life where i don't feel like things will get better or i have no purpose. That's why i appreciate people like my family that build me back up. Hilary (she's a published author by the way! Congrats!) told me she was proud of me for my blog and for being invited to give a speech about it in August. Not many guys can say their ex-wife is encouraging like that. I've got great friends that are constantly letting me know I'm heading in the right direction. Kinda hard to feel lost when so much positive is happening around me.

Tired of letting go-this one I'm still working on. Much easier to let go. To disappear. To walk away. I've done it quite often in my life and I've gathered quite a collection of regrets. I'm still hoping for the day that my once best friend Elvis and i will reunite and hang out like the good ol days. When i get upset with the same family that builds me up i walk away. I'm tired. I'm tired of walking away.

Like Hilary said- "Ryan you are a hard son of a bitch to be around sometimes and there's different Ryan's a person has to be able to deal with but that's what makes you unique." That made me laugh until tears ran down my face. It's what i needed to hear. May sound strange to you but people that really know me can speak the exact things i really need to hear and that's what i love about them. I'm a snowflake people. How in the hell can that be a bad thing?

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Beacon of Hope

I have been humbled and blessed to be included in a great organization called Beacon of Hope and Melissa is doing great things-amazing things.

This weekend, the 7th, she will be having a walk/run at ESU and i highly recommend you like their Facebook page so you can be kept up to date with everything going on. On the 22nd, the generous John and April with Maud's Tattoo Company have agreed to help with a tattoo fundraiser. You can choose from a set of tattoos they have designed and it is first come first serve.

On August 25th, there will be another activity at ESU and this is the one I will be giving my hopefully candid but informative experiences living with Bipolar. I'm nervous i must admit but i feel it's good to put a face to a diagnosis. Help people realize that it is nothing to be scared or ashamed of. Be proud of who you are and don't let anyone take that away from you. In September, i Erik be sitting on a Q and A panel so I'll let you know the exact date so that specific questions can be asked of everyone involved. The more we talk about it, the more informed those around us can be.

Melissa has offered to let me become trained in the area of suicide, prevention, etc and what another honor. So many people have been there for me that it feels good to possibly be there for someone else in a time of need.

So many good things are happening in my life that i often wonder what i did to deserve it. That kind of thinking gets me into trouble every time so I'm just trying to be thankful and roll with it. Thank you so much for your support!! I am forever grateful! So go like Beacon of Hope, support anyway you can and i hope the rest of your week is blessed. Thank you again.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Everything Happens For A Reason and Other Clichés I Hate

Don't you love it when something happens in your life and someone's response to you is everything happens for a reason?

I absolutely love it. I want to thank them for their obvious enlightenment on everything spiritual and for discovering the secret to the universe. I did not know they had been chosen as keymaster because if i had i surely would've thrown them a party or something. But whatever will be, will be.

If i sound angry i apologize. I need to learn to let the cards fall as they may because i can't force things to happen the way i thought they would since patience is a virtue. I mean seriously, it is what it is and hind-site truly is 20/20. I'm amazed i was able to get this paragraph to merge together so smooth but hey, even a broken watch is right twice a day. You never know what the future will bring.

Ok i think you smell what I'm stepping in and we're all guilty of using clichés with our friends when things go south in their life, myself included. The reason it irritates me is because they're 100% correct. Time heals all things. How can one even begin to argue against that tidbit of information? We live in a world of instant gratification and by God i don't have time to let time do it's thing. It strikes a nerve because i know that no matter how i try to control the situation, i have zero control over it and letting go of the wheel is hard to do. It can't be ordered, controlled, manipulated one way or another and as a human i can't freaking stand that.

I might as well sit back and enjoy the ride next time i feel like something has gone off course of what i thought was a sure thing whether it pertain to work or my house or friendships or just life in general because no matter how badly i want to be the captain of this voyage we call life, sometimes things are out of my control and i have to sit back and wait to see why it happened for a reason. Because everything happens for a reason just in case you didn't know that.

I met with Melissa from Beacon of Hope again so I'll be updating some exciting news and events pertaining to that next time. Everyone enjoy their family and friends this weekend and Happy Easter!!

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

It's Trash Day and Time To Take That Garbage To the Curb

Sometimes i get filled with negativity and it gets so abundant that it's hard to find the positives in life. That's not good for anyone. Ever.

I really contemplated my life over the last week and started asking myself why i felt so negative towards things. Why am i not focusing on the positives in my life? I didn't really have an answer for myself so i forced myself to have a sit down chat with myself until i could answer that question. It had great results.

I compartmentalized what i considered negative and why i found it negative. I then started thinking of how it could be a positive instead. I looked at the bright side of these situations instead of the bad. I looked at all the good things i have going in my life. I started seeing a brighter future.

I know i hit on being positive or my struggle with it a lot but i need to. Whatever goes in comes out. I'm talking about thoughts here not food sickos. If i look at things negatively then it's only common sense that i will react in a negative way. Negativity is addicting and turns toxic real quick. It's hard to get out of once it gets rolling.

Now on the flip side i decided to start getting positive. I started turning the negatives into positives. Instead of dwelling on things not going how i wanted or things in the past i can't change, i looked at what it meant for the present and future. I asked myself is any of this going to bring my life to a screeching halt and be the end of the world as i know it? The answer every single time was no.

I don't have to like how the cards fall every time but i also don't have to let it knock me back to square one either. I don't have to let it discount progress I've made or changes that have made me a better person. My life doesnt have to be perfect 100% of the time. I don't have to be perfect. Live and learn, move past things and don't forget to keep living. Find things to laugh about and keep smiling even over the smallest of things because that too becomes addictive. Perfection is boring and i like the fact that i obviously am far from being a boring person and i hope i never become one.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Dangerous Thoughts and Feelings

I'm tired
One foot
In front of the other
But I want
To sit down
Stop

So many battles
No apparent outcome
Nobody wins
Everybody loses
To win is to lose
To lose is only more loss

Existing
That's what life
Is all about
Be what you're not
Hoping no-one sees
What you are

Open up
Change
Useless
Pointless
For who?
For nothing

Walk that path
Try a different route
Discover new scenery
False sense of security
Excitement
Just to come full circle

What's the point?
Preconceived notions
Far outweighing
The new
The past
Destroying the future

This path continues
With one set
Of footprints
The others
Washed away
With tears from the past

So one foot
In front of the other
No sitting yet
Must find
That route
Alone

Quit Planning Forever and Just Get Thru Today

I think that's been my biggest problem as of late. I'm so worried about what i think will make me happy forever that I'm forgetting to be happy today. Or it controls my perception of happiness, or lack thereof, for the day. That's not a good approach and I've finally figured that out. I miss out hanging with friends or enjoying what I'm doing while with friends or whatever I'm doing because my mind is focused on what isn't making me happy but convinced it will.

People can't make you happy. If you put all of your money down on that bet, i hope you don't mind going broke. That becomes a long hard road out of hell. I've been told so many times in the past few months that once I'm happy with myself I'll be amazed at the happiness i feel naturally and i feel i was getting there but then i forgot and started putting that burden back on others instead of myself and I'll be damned if i started losing that natural happiness. God i hate it when everyone ends up being right but i will be in control damn it.

So i started telling a friend that man this house is going to be so bad ass when i get done with it and how the backyard is big enough to have people over when the weather decides to behave. I told said friend all the things i plan on doing in life period and they were really quick to point out how i was basing my level of happiness on materialistic things. That not once had i mentioned just being happy period. Period. Yes i meant to repeat that. Just good ol happiness with my life end of story. Happiness that didn't involve buying something or travelling somewhere. That really hit me. Hard at first in an irritating kiss my ass sort of way but it's because it was the truth. The type of truth no-one likes to hear because, well, it's the truth.

It's crazy how when you don't set your expectations on things or people and can enjoy spending time with yourself that suddenly they become an asset to your life instead of a necessity. I read a lot this evening and enjoyed that. I burned tree limbs and fired up the smoker at my new place the other day-really enjoyed that. It's time to take joy or derive my happiness from the small things in life again and everything else will fall in place as it seems to always do.

I'll be posting a short story i wrote on here soon but I'll warn you that it's dark. I've started a second one and also dark. I bet you can guess what the third one will be. Poetry is hitting paper again. I went to my Men's Group tonight for the first time in over a month and it felt good to be back. Time to get back to basics. Do the things that were working for me. The real work is trying not to take control again thinking that i can go back to my way of doing things. That is really hard for me. Sometimes you just have to sit back, enjoy the ride and realize whatever's meant to be will be.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

It's Been Awhile Again

I really need to get better at this blogging thing. I've kinda been MIA and i know I said I would get better but the road to hell is paved with good intentions, right?

Things are going good. I've got a lot of positive in my life with work and a new house that i recently fell into. It's going to be quite the bachelor pad once i get it remodeled and I'm excited! I've been busting my butt to get it done but once you treat into a project like this It's hard to find a stopping point. I'm going to have to put the OCD aside and just get it livable and then fine tune it from there.

I picked up a violin from my cousin Melissa last night and played for awhile and i was shocked at how happy it made me and how i didn't suck as bad as i thought i would. I picked it up for the first time again a couple of months ago but set it back down. This time I'm looking forward to jam sessions with friends. We already have it in the works and I'm excited.

I've been struggling with personal things but who doesn't? It all boils down to perceived happiness versus actual happiness and that can be a fine line between the two. I have a good friend that told me about his 80/20 rule and it really makes sense. If you're looking to be happy with someone no matter who it is in your life 100% of the time then the expectations are at an impossible level to meet but if you are happy with that person 80% of the time then the 20% is doable. I think i need to start putting that into practice. The flip side is I'm not sure i can achieve 80% in anyone else's life so this may backfire. Well damn It.

It feels good to write again but I'm going to quit saying I'll get more consistent when i may not. Life can be a son of a bitch but if you can be happy with it 80% of the time then that other 20% can kiss my really really white butt. It's time to get positive and remove the negative. I hope everything is going good for you and maybe you took something from this rambling and maybe you didn't-that's not for me to decide. Until next time...

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

It's Nice to Know People Care

I had a very humbling conversation with a friend this morning that i haven't seen in a long time and it's nice to know someone thinks i can make a difference...that my story and journey are important.

With that being said, I have been invited to give a 10 minute talk for Beacon of Hope in August and to have my poetry on display at their booth. My journey and poetry both are very personal and dear to me and knowing it has touched others to the degree that they want me to publicly talk about it and display my art is both humbling and validating to me.

I will admit that i am nervous and scared. It's one thing to hide behind my phone typing my blog and quite another to let everyone put a face to the name. It becomes real then...it leaves me open to judgement that people can point at and recognize. But it also gives me a chance to touch more lives and maybe be a voice that someone can relate to and realize they are not alone.

The stigma is slowly disappearing and is leaps and bounds from where it once was but sadly it still exists. There will always be those that fear what they don't understand and use it as an opportunity to be mean and callous. This is also an oppotunity to knock another brick from the wall and realize i have nothing to be embarrased about. That there is nothing wrong with me for having a mental illness. That my voice can be heard and those that truly care and wish for change Will see one more person willing to help make that possible.

I grasp how honored i should be for this opportunity and i hope i don't disappoint. All i can do is share my journey with bipolar and have this opportunity to stand tall and let people know I'm not ashamed of who i am. That in itself will benefit me far beyond what i feel I'll ever be able to do for others so i hope i do this justice. I hope that i can be a good advocate for hope and mental illness. I hope i can be a Beacon for Hope.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully

Yeah It's A Fight Club Thing

If you don't know, Fight Club is my favorite movie and there's a quote in there that completely resonates with me every time i hear it, which at this point, is well over 200 times. Don't judge me. Anyway it goes like this- "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

I was giving you a minute to truly think about what that's saying and the absolute truth behind it. Still thinking? You should be.

Think about your life and how maybe you wanted to change but was there really any push or initiative or reason to if you still had plenty in your life that you loved versus what you regretted or hated about it? I'm guessing, no i know, if you don't think you need to change anything then why do it? If you're thinking about anything right now or you got that bleh feeling reading this then get to changing.

In my life, I've always waited to see if everyone around me would change because who the hell wants to think that it could possibly be yourself that needs changing? I'm going to let you in on a little secret...that quote will have so much more meaning to you if you wait too long and that isn't a good thing.

I have lost so much along the way that it's painful to think about. I've hurt people because since I've been hurt i thought it was justified. I took people for granted. I shut people out. I closed myself off for fear of being hurt that i hurt myself in the long run much more than i ever would have if my actions behind 'I love you' spoke more than those three words ever could.

I feel that in my life, i have lost everything and once i did i was free to start trying to make changes in my life. The joke behind that is i should have never let it get to that point. I agree with the quote for what it's saying but i disagree that changes can't be made before everything is lost. I only figured that out to late. Now i have to sit back and hope that my changes aren't too late. That certain things can be reconciled, that certain sins can be attoned for, that certain pain and wrongs can be forgiven in the long run and the past forgotten or at the very least cease to cause pain.

I know I'm asking for a lot and i probably don't deserve half of what I'm asking for but I'm hoping my actions will finally start speaking louder than my words. I'm hoping my actions start relaying my feelings and that confidence and trust can still be built. Time will tell...i hate that saying but probably because it's the truth and I'm not a patient person. Looks like something else i need to work on.

I'm still struggling with things i myself don't want to forgive or deal with yet and i need to face those things. I need to follow my own advice which is hard to do. Don't wait until you've lost everything before you feel free to do anything. Is a great line in a movie but let it stay there. Don't let it describe your life because I'm telling you, that's a miserable road to travel. Even if you start with the most obvious and go from there it shows effort and i think anyone can appreciate that. At the least you can start appreciating yourself.

I'm not bipolar-I have bipolar
R. M. Sully